Suicide, Deportation and Paris Hilton for President

New Twists in Self-Help as Government Funds Suicide and Deportation
Meanwhile: Paris for President, Latest Self Promotion

 
Inebriated Press
August 8, 2008

The City Wire reported Monday that San Diego is one of four test cities for a new “deport yourself” program where convicted illegal aliens in the U.S. can avoid arrest by signing up to leave the country.  And Fox News reported last week that the state of Oregon is mailing letters to ill patients who have turned to the state-run health plan for help, telling them that Oregon won’t pay for their healthcare, but is willing to pay for doctor-assisted suicide instead.  Meanwhile, Paris Hilton is reacting to a John McCain For President ad that compares Democrat presidential candidate Barack Obama to Hilton, by releasing her own Paris For President campaign video.  Debate over what constitutes self-help is roiling around like French fries in a vat of greasy trans fat.

“Obviously the separation of church and state has resulted in the separation of ethics from state and it looks like common sense has been separated from government policy also,” said Babs Marine-Blowbuy, a cute thirty-something blonde who dances without clothes at the Ethical Tiger Lounge, an Iowa theater for the arts establishment.  “To have the government give convicted aliens a get out of jail free card with government funding, and offer to pay people to kill themselves, turns the concept of self help upside down.  And the idea of government funded healthcare plans advocating suicide over treatment is really twisted ethics.  It’s the care of the sick and the weak that makes humanity different than the animal kingdom.  In nature the sick and weak are left to die, in civilized society we care for the sick and the weak, we help and protect them, we nurture and try to heal them.  If we exchange love for humankind for Darwinian survival of the fittest, we’re on a long walk off a short pier. I’m afraid that the abyss of hell is where we’re headed.”

Not everyone agrees with Marine-Blowbuy.  “It’s about economics and not ethics.  God has no place in a discussion about taxes and money.  If convicted aliens self-deport themselves then we don’t have to mess with more legal costs to incarcerate them.  And if sick people will just kill themselves, we’ll save tons of money that we’d otherwise pay to keep them alive,” said Hugh Heartless-Dogg, a compassionate financial consultant to the Blackwater Group, who spends his free time volunteering to euthanize unclaimed puppies and kittens at a local animal shelter.  “You can’t sustain a country if you don’t have sound fiscal policy, and our nations fiscal policy sucks.  We can’t just keep piling on costs and think we’ll have any kind of civilization left.  Hell, we should just shoot the illegal aliens and the sick people.  The savings we’d have to our health care system along with the reduced prison funding would stimulate the economy.  Healthcare costs would drop like a rock and consumers would all benefit.  Of course you’d better stay legal and healthy or the state makes you dead.  But what the hey, at least you’re not getting your organs removed against your will like they do in China.  Come to think about it, if the state started doing that and selling them we could probably use the money to offset tax increases or reduce the federal debt.  Maybe the Chinese are on to something.”

The City Wire reported that San Diego and Santa Ana will be two of four test cities for a federal “deport yourself” program where people already convicted of being in this nation illegally can avoid arrest by signing up to leave in a test program announced by federal officials. Persons who have already lost in immigration court, and who have outstanding final deportation orders that have not been obeyed, can avoid arrest through the program, the Immigrations and Customs Enforcement agency said.

People who register for “Operation Scheduled Departure” will be given 90 days to get their affairs in order and arrange to leave the U.S. Those who request financial assistance for a ticket to a distant nation will receive it, and once they leave they are banned from returning to the U.S., even legally, for 20 years.

Fox News reported that some terminally ill patients in Oregon who turned to their state for health care were denied treatment and offered doctor-assisted suicide instead, a proposal some experts have called a “chilling” corruption of medical ethics.

Since the spread of his prostate cancer, 53-year-old Randy Stroup of Dexter, Ore., has been in a fight for his life. Uninsured and unable to pay for expensive chemotherapy, he applied to Oregon’s state-run health plan for help. Lane Individual Practice Association (LIPA), which administers the Oregon Health Plan in Lane County, responded to Stroup’s request with a letter saying the state would not cover Stroup’s pricey treatment, but would pay for the cost of physician-assisted suicide. “It dropped my chin to the floor,” Stroup told FOX News. “[How could they] not pay for medication that would help my life, and yet offer to pay to end my life?”

The letter, which has been sent to other terminal patients throughout Oregon, follows guidelines established by the state legislature. In issuing their latest Prioritized List of Health Services, state officials reported a new emphasis on preventive care and cost effectiveness. Dr. John Sattenspiel, LIPA’s senior medical director, defended the measures.  Some people say that self-help like suicide and deportation have always been available to people, and that government is simply trying to help.

“People have always been free to kill themselves or leave the U.S. and travel abroad whether they’re here legally or not.  The government is only trying to inform and fund reasonable financial outcomes,” said an unnamed U.S. meat inspector, who thinks a little E.coli is good for what ails us, and that meat recalls should be stopped because they’re too expensive.  “To say that funding suicide or deportation is wrong is to miss the big picture. The reality has nothing to do with money or ethics.  It’s about two things: doing what you have to because someone makes you do it; or, doing what you want to because you can get away with it.  If we have to have government funded health care and cut the federal deficit, then killing the unhealthy is the practical way to do that.  If we need illegal workers in our meat plants but we also want to deport the ones who haven’t got away with it and have been convicted, it’s cheaper if they volunteer and we pay to fly them out.  They can always sneak back in anyway, so it’s not a big deal.  These two government approaches are the most practical things that officials have come up with in years.  Now if we’d just stop inspecting food altogether instead of wasting our time inspecting only 1% of all the food we import now, which is a joke anyway, we’d save even more tax dollars.  I think someone like Paris Hilton being the president makes a lot of sense in today’s world.”

In related news, Fox News reported Wednesday that Paris Hilton produced a video spoof campaign ad in response to a McCain ad that compared Barack Obama with Hilton’s international celebrity. “Thanks for the endorsement, white-haired dude,” Hilton says in the ad, while sitting outside in a skimpy, leopard-print bikini. “And I want America to know that I’m, like, totally ready to lead.”  The Web video was posted on the site Funny or Die, after Hilton’s representative and her mother both criticized McCain’s campaign for using her image in his ad.

After getting a chuckle from the video, McCain’s campaign released a statement. “It sounds like Paris Hilton supports John McCain’s ‘all of the above’ approach to America’s energy crisis – -including both alternatives and drilling. In reality, Paris Hilton may have a more substantive energy policy than Barack Obama,” spokesman Tucker Bounds said.  No word on whether Paris supports assisted suicide or voluntary deportation, but with a well balanced energy policy proposal and a better ass than either McCain or Obama, she could be a serious contender for the U.S. presidency.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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