Potential Policies if Paris Hilton Becomes President
By Sean Leviashvili
Will the White House become the Pink House?
If Paris Hilton has any say, yes.
“I want America to know that I’m, like, totally ready to lead,” she says smiling on her most recent publicity stunt: a parody of McCain’s “Spears, Paris, Obama” campaign video posted on www.funnyordie.com. In her spot, Hilton discusses her plans for the nation and considers her running mate. “I’m thinking Rihanna.”
While it may be too late to make it into the race, and she may be a few years short of the age requirement (She’s 27 and you must be at least 35 to run for president), MainStreet, along with Sara Benincasa, comedian and reporter for MTV News’ Choose or Lose 2008 campaign, wondered what a Paris Hilton Presidency might look like.
Paris’s Energy (Specifically Oil) Plan:
Paris already solved this one herself, as explained in her video:
“Barack wants to focus on new technologies to cut foreign oil dependency, and McCain wants offshore drilling. Well, why don’t we do a hybrid of both candidates’ ideas? We can do limited off-shore drilling, with strict environmental oversight while creating tax incentives and get Detroit to make hybrid and electric cars. That way the offshore drilling carries until the new technologies kick in, which will then create new jobs and energy independence. Energy crisis solved.”
Doesn’t sound too complicated, does it? Thanks, Paris!
Benincasa’s Prediction: “Looks like she solved it. Thank God!” she says. “But I doubt she had any contribution to it, it was probably the work of really talented writers.”
What about universal healthcare? And what about universal shopping sprees? According to a recent CNN poll, 48% of Americans are most concerned about the economy and the troubled job market. And with big name-companies such as Wal-Mart missing their earnings expectations recently, the U.S. might need someone who actually knows what Wal-Mart sells. Paris once asked what Wal-Mart (WMT) was on national TV (“What’s Wal-Mart? Do they sell, like wall stuff?”), let’s hope she’s done some research.
Benincasa’s Prediction: To boost the economy, Hilton may consider a second stimulus check. “She’d probably write a few her self and have the dogs do the rest.”
Animals seem to be on Hilton’s mind the most.
“Every woman should have four pets in her life,” Hilton has said. “A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.” That’s a philosophy guaranteed to rile up the folks at PETA. But what about Tinkerbell, the heiress’s favorite live accessory? This February, Hilton was in the doghouse for announcing on the Ellen DeGeneres show that she owned 17 pups (each with their own outfit), a number exceeding the three-dog limit established by the Los Angeles Department of Animal Services for non-breeders in California. The location of her many dogs is currently reported as unknown.
Benincasa’s Prediction: “She doesn’t seem to be a great pet-owner, and I know she adopted an illegal animal a while back, but she loves that Tinkerbell. She’d probably make Tinkerbell Secretary of Education, maybe even in charge of Health and Human Services.”
If the media’s coverage of Hilton has taught us anything, it’s not to mess with Paris. This bottled-blonde takes (almost) nothing laying down! Based on the seemingly endless list of catfights Paris has reportedly been involved in, her defense policy would likely be categorized as aggressive or hawkish.
Things got complicated on The Simple Life (NWS) when Paris and childhood-friend, Nicole Richie, put their friendship on hiatus after rumors circulated that Nicole had shown the notorious “One Night in Paris” tape to friends at a party. The duo finally patched things up and reunited on the show for its fifth season, after spending season four apart. This isn’t the first time Paris had a war with an ally! While doing a radio interview in April, Paris made childhood-friend, Kim Kardashian the butt of her joke by criticizing her bottom. “It’s disgusting,” she said. “It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag.” (Ever the diplomat, Hilton realized the inappropriateness of her comment and made a public apology in In Touch magazine shortly after.) The wars don’t begin and end with childhood connections. Tabloids have captured Paris going head to head with the likes of Lindsay Lohan, Mischa Barton, and former Playboy Bunny (PLA), Shanna Moakler.
So would Paris stay on defense the way she does in her personal life is she were Commander in Chief?
Benincasa’s Prediction: “She would probably keep [U.S. Secretary of State] Condi [Rice] in place because she wears [cute] pumps, but she’d leave all the work to her. As for attending foreign balls and conferences, I can see her having a throw down with [Chancellor of Germany] Angela Merkel or [French president Nicolas Sarkozy’s wife and former model] Carla Bruni, it could be hard not being the hottest girl at the ball.”
As for toying with the gray area of the constitution, a la The Patriot Act, potential President Hilton would probably just issue her own ‘Paris Act.’ As she’s said before: “The only rule is: don’t be boring and dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in.”