Master of the Culinary Arts was OSS Operative, Did More than Cream Chicken
August 16, 2008
ABC News reported last Thursday that the National Archives released 750,000 pages from previously classified personnel files, including records concerning 24,000 spies who secretly served during World War II, for the Office of Strategic Services (OSS). The OSS was the forerunner of today’s CIA, and documents released state that Julia Child, a popular TV chef, was among its operatives. The news reverberated through the backrooms of pubs where historians hang out, and history books were being revised on the backs of napkins within minutes of the revelation.
“It all makes sense now, the bunker full of heavy deserts, truffles with cyanide and whipping cream, the leather belts and whips, Eva Braun and her kinky outfit. Hitler was into crazy masochistic sex and violence and rich food, just like Napoleon. Just as I always thought,” said Horace Heresawho, a professor of unnecessary violence, who sat slamming Jack Daniels while trying to write on the back of his hand with a mustard coated sardine. “Hitler didn’t kill himself, he and Eva ate a combination of rich food that had just a hint too much cyanide and it clogged their arteries during a blistering orgy. Those sex crazed Nazi’s; only Julia Child could have set them up like that. Now I see it clearly.”
Not everyone thinks Heresawho has it all figured out. “Julia didn’t bring down Hitler, she was lucky to bake a potato in an ethical manner,” said Muski Mellonn, a vegan animal rights activist, who detests food of any kind and often lives on nothing but questionable thoughts. “If she brought Hitler down, then she did a better job at that than her fake British accent. I know she’s really Hispanic. That’s why the U.S. let her do that PBS TV show.”
ABC News reported that while we knew her as a popular TV personality and a master of the culinary arts, Julia Child was also a spy — sort of. Maybe she wasn’t a master spy, but she worked during World War II for the Office of Strategic Services, the huge spy network created by President Franklin Roosevelt. Child was a top secret researcher for the director of the OSS, the legendary William “Wild Bill” Donovan. And, later, she worked to reduce the threat of U-boats, the deadly Nazi submarines. In addition to Child, who died in 2004 at the age of 91, former OSS operatives included future Supreme Court Justice Arthur Goldberg, historian Arthur Schlesinger Jr., baseball star Moe Berg and actor Sterling Hayden.
In other news, Russia has invaded the Republic of Georgia and Russian leader Vladimir Putin says they had to do it to protect Russians living there. That’s the same kind of excuse Hitler used when he invaded Austria. No word on whether Emeril plans to take Putin down.
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