Olympic athlete has size 14 feet and shaves a lot
Bigfoot hunters discover dead creature in Georgia, claim same DNA as Phelps
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
August 18, 2008
Fox News reported last Thursday that two Northern California men and two Georgians say they’ve got a body, a photo and DNA evidence pertaining to the legendary “Big Foot.” And The Times of India reported last Friday that American swimmer Michael Phelps massive size 14 feet are his keys to Olympic gold. This morning top notch scientists at the Institute of Inebriated Study linked information from both reports and announced that Michael Phelps is a descendent of Bigfoot, and is directly related to the dead body found in Georgia. A documentary is being planned and is tentatively titled, “Son of Bigfoot: A Tale of Olympic Glory and Loss,” and is subtitled, “Mike Wins in Beijing while Uncle Bob Dies in a Georgia Bog.” Steven Spielberg and Quentin Tarantino are vying to produce the film. Inebriated reporter Rusty Haffwitt broke the story.
“Last night in Palo Alto two scientists from the Institute were probing my central nervous system and pondering vivisection while sitting at the bar in the Happy Hoot Owl Lounge, when one gets a package of DNA delivered by Fed Ex,” said Inebriated Haffwitt, testifying about the event and staying relaxed by nursing a quart of Jack Daniels. “Well naturally he was excited because when he looked up at the TV over the bar, he saw Phelps climbing out of the pool in Beijing and recognized that he had the same DNA as the stuff in the package. Then when he read the note with the DNA and learned it was from a Bigfoot in Georgia, he made the connection. It was like being there when Newton discovered gravity, or Franklin discovered electricity, or when god created the universe. What a moment! We started shouting and smashing bottles and got thrown out on our asses just like those other famous guys. Let me tell you, it was one hell of a night for science.”
Not everyone is sure that Haffwitt or the Institute’s scientists reside in reality. “There is no Bigfoot creature and if there was Michael Phelps isn’t related to them, that’s ridiculous,” said Bobby Ann Silicone, a statuesque red head, and owner of the Power Transformer Electric Company and Strip Club. “Phelps is an amazing athlete and just because he has big feet and shaves a lot, that doesn’t mean he is linked to some swamp thing — even though he does get along extraordinarily well in water. And sure his mom is at the games and nobody knows anything about his father and that seems a little suspicious, but still I don’t think his mom was mating with some mammoth forest creature. Of course I can see the attraction, but still, I don’t think it’s true.”
Fox News reported that Matthew Whitton, a cop in Clayton County, Ga., and his friend Rick Dyer, a former corrections officer, say they recently found a body they say is Bigfoot, in the woods of northern Georgia. Veteran Bigfoot tracker Tom Biscardi said he’s examined the body, and that scientists will get their chance soon. Information Week reported on Friday that the rush to view purported pictures of Bigfoot was so intense that the site SearchingForBigfoot.com went offline. When the site was running again, it offered descriptions of the supposed Sasquatch. The body “weighs over five hundred pounds” and “is male,” the group claimed. “The feet are flat and similar to human feet,” the description continued. “The creature is seven feet, seven inches tall.” According to a report on the Inquisitr, its footprint is sixteen and three-quarters inches long and five and three-quarters inches wide at the heel.
The Times of India reported that George Washington University researcher Rajat Mittal has spent the past five years studying Michael Phelps and his dolphin kick. Mittal said Phelps is able to straighten his massive size 14 feet to a greater angle (about 15 degrees) than any other swimmer, to reduce resistance. “Almost 90 percent of all the thrust is coming from the foot,” Mittal explained. “And the flatter and bigger your foot is, you essentially have a bigger paddle. Michael’s foot size and the angle he generates with it play a big role in his ability to swim very well.” Mittal said Phelps is able to use his body “in a way that is very, very different from the other athletes…much closer to dolphins than we have seen for any other swimmer.” Some people say men have always been animals no matter what the size of their feet.
“If you saw my husband Tom watching NASCAR on TV Sunday, what with bags of chips and beer cans laying around, and heard all the burping and farting and saw how hairy he is, you wouldn’t be asking whether men and backwoods creatures were related,” said Donna Lockheed-Learjet, a middle aged wife and bar tender, with plenty of thrust left in her giddy-up. “They’re hands down, buttoned up tight, related. Damn straight. Personally I think it’s an evolutionary regression thing. Women move forward and continue progressive development and men move backward and regress. It’s equilibrium in nature. The body in Georgia is probably just some guy who wandered off the Tech Campus.”
In other news, The Daily Telegraph reported Friday that an Australian man was granted a court injunction to stop a woman trying to cut off his penis. Tony Goodchild told Darwin Magistrates Court his former girlfriend was trying to hunt him down and threatening to “cut his penis off”. The unusual application caused laughter in the courtroom. Magistrate Greg Cavanagh made him take an oath in court on the Bible to swear he was telling the truth. “You didn’t make it up?” the magistrate asked. “No,” Mr Goodchild said. Mr Cavanagh told Mr Goodchild he could only grant an interim domestic violence order — preventing his ex-girlfriend from approaching or threatening him — as she was not in court to answer to the case. No word on why the woman wants to chop off part of Tony or whether DNA will eventually link him or his girlfriend to Bigfoot.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com