Virus Powers Batteries, Greed Powers Bigfoot Fraud

Scientists invent microbattery that runs on a virus
Bigfoot claim is gorilla suit scam

Inebriated Press
August 21, 2008

AgBios reported Tuesday that MIT scientists have utilized a virus to create a tiny battery that can power miniature electronic devises. And C/Net News reported Tuesday that Bigfoot “hunters” who claimed they had discovered the body of a Sasquatch in Georgia, actually sold Bigfoot, Inc. a gorilla suit in a freezer. Debate over viral impacts on batteries and greed has pundits as excited as Bill Clinton at a Hooter’s.

“All things are ultimately the result of a virus; from the first flicker of life on earth, to the battle against disease in the Middle Ages, to the present day Bigfoot thought process where human beings perpetrate a scam. Each one of these was generated by a microscopic virus,” said Mandy Kandy-Kornn, a bio-science expert and weight lifter, whose book ‘The Human Virus: What Makes Men Suck,’ remains the definitive work on why guys hog the TV remote. “Ultimately no one is really responsible for anything because tiny viruses inhabit all life forms giving us energy, disease and bad TV channel changing habits. You think Putin invaded the Republic of Georgia just because he lusts for power and control? Nope. Reports say he had a slight fever the night before the invasion and when he got up that morning he said ‘let’s take Georgia’s oil pipeline, it should be ours anyhow.’ That’s how these viruses work.”

Not everyone thinks the way Kandy-Kornn does. “MIT is able to make a virus generate electricity in a controlled environment and the battery they’re building will be terrific, but the notion that a virus made Putin do what he did in Georgia, or that a virus made the guys do the Bigfoot hoax, is bunk,” said Mister Cleann-Energy, a soft spoken accountant and Popular Science subscriber, whose strong feelings about bioenergy are second only to his desire for clean tile flooring. “People are responsible for their own behavior and need to be held accountable. The MIT folks should be rewarded and Putin and the Bigfoot assholes should be shot. Or something like that. I’m not usually in favor of violence but I’ve got a cold and I’m feeling kind of crabby. Maybe a virus really is responsible for some behaviors.”

AgBios reported that MIT scientists have successfully utilized a virus to create a tiny battery that can power miniature electronic devices used for controlled drug delivery, and tiny lab-on-a-chip applications. MIT experts say that their method to build microbatteries relies on a genetically-engineered virus called M13. The scientists first made a template from polydimethylsiloxane (PDMS), a commonly used silicon-based organic polymer. After coating it with alternating layers of positive and negative electrolytes, they added the virus. The researchers had designed the virus to have negatively charged amino acids at its surface, so that it stuck to the template, and an affinity for cobalt, a favored material for batteries.

The AgBios article said each virus is a semi-rigid fiber a few nanometers in diameter, and about a micrometre long, which tends to pack tightly into a whorl that looks similar to a fingerprint. The researchers say that when the whole assembly is dipped into a solution of cobalt ions, it coats the viruses to create a very large surface area that could store charge. When the researchers stamp the template onto a platinum layer, and peel off the PDMS, they get an array of small dots of the prepared material, cobalt-side down, which forms the heart of an effective battery. “We’re talking about a simple, inexpensive and environmentally better way of generating a microbattery,” said Paula Hammond, part of the MIT team.

C/Net News reported that the excitement is over and everyone is lying down, shaking with shock, on discovering that the supposed Bigfoot discovery was, indeed, a gorilla suit in a freezer. Steve Kulls, who is apparently the executive director of something called SquatchDetective.com, was quoted as saying that he was present at the thawing process of the so-called Bigfoot and said, “As the team and I began examining this area near the feet, I observed the foot which looked unnatural, reached in and confirmed it was a rubber foot.”

The C/Net article said subsequently, Rick Dyer and Matthew Whitton, the two Georgians who claimed they had happened upon Bigfoot’s body, allegedly admitted they’d lied about it. Legal action is threatened because there appears to have been money given to Dyer and Whitton in exchange for the gorilla suit. And, presumably, the freezer. According to Kulls: “At this time the victim of this series of deceptions, Searching for Bigfoot, Inc., is seeking justice for themselves and for all the people who were deceived by this deception.” Some people say that deception is what makes the world go ’round.

“Who doesn’t like magicians and enjoy a good joke or trick now and then,” asked Vladimir Putin, as sat on a Russian Czar throne replica, calculating the future earnings of the Georgian BTC pipeline which reportedly produces around 100,000 barrels of oil a day. “I love shutting off oil to the Ukraine and ribbing them about the price of energy, and get a kick out of doing it to Western Europe too. The silly Georgians were working their way around me, with their oil pipeline, but not anymore. It’s a good joke on them and the U.S. who helped finance it because now it’s mine. I think everybody is enjoying a good chuckle over this one. At least all of us here at Putin Castle.”

In other news, USA Today reported yesterday that NASA’s new moon rockets will be outfitted with shock absorbers to buffer astronauts from jackhammer-like vibrations during rocky rides into orbit. A spring-and-damper ring will separate the first and second stages of Ares 1 rockets, which NASA is developing for missions to the International Space Station, the moon and later Mars. NASA aims to debut the Ares 1 rocket and Orion spacecraft by March 2015 — five years after the agency’s shuttle fleet is retired. The target for the first moon mission is 2020. No word on whether they’ll use virus based batteries or if it’s true that they plan to stuff Putin in a gorilla suit and launch him into space also. Word out of the former Republic of Georgia is that they vote ‘yes.’

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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