Plans to One-up JFK and Bill Clinton
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
August 22, 2008
Houston’s Bay Area Citizen reported Wednesday that Barack Obama wants one more shuttle fight after NASA’s planned shut down of the program in 2010. And UK’s Metro reported on Wednesday, that NASA advisor Dr Jason Kring is calling for the US space agency to prepare astronauts for sex in space. Debate over the real reason Obama wants NASA to reserve one more shuttle flight after he becomes president, has pundits everywhere thinking the obvious and blushing like crazy.
“These two media reports released on the same day is no coincidence,” said someone claiming to be conservative radio talk show host Shaun Hannity, as he sat sticking pins into a small figurine that looked a lot like Barack Obama. “Junior Senator Obama has studied the speeches and mannerisms of John F. Kennedy, and has adopted the casual spin-the-truth style of Bill Clinton. That approach has him in line for the Democratic presidential nomination and positioned him as a strong candidate for U.S. president. But the presidency is clearly not enough for Obama. He wants to one-up both Kennedy and Clinton. Kennedy introduced the U.S. space program but never flew in space. Clinton banged interns in the Oval office and presumably on Air Force One, but never outside earth’s atmosphere. Obama wants to bang interns in outer space. I’m only saying this because it’s true. There’s no getting around it. When viewed together the articles speak for themselves.”
Not everyone agrees that Obama wants to be the first American president to have sex in outer space. “President Obama would never try and change the way NASA operates just so he can copulate outside of our planets atmosphere. He doesn’t like change that much, that’s why he uses old style Chicago politics,” said someone claiming to be liberal TV commentator Alan Colmes, as he sat sticking pins into a small figurine that looked a lot like John McCain. “If Hannity would have read the Wall Street Journal, also published on Wednesday, he’d have seen the headline ‘Obama Played by Chicago Rules.’ Chicago rules don’t give a rat’s ass about sex in space, they’re all about using legal technicalities, dirty dealing and working with racketeers like Tony Rezko, to get elected and seize power. Once again conservatives are trying to take a couple of unrelated news stories and one liberal’s desire for change and turn them into something crazy. Well we can be crazy enough without their help. Bill Clinton proved that.”
The Bay Area Citizen reported that Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama would like to see at least one more shuttle flight after NASA’s planned conclusion of the program in May 2010. According to a document released by the Obama campaign and posted on spaceref.com, the senator believes the planned five-year gap between the retirement of the space shuttle and the launch of the Constellation program is a cause for concern. The article said that according to a report from Tom Abrahams at ABC 13, Sen. Bill Nelson of Florida and former Sen. John Glenn, have endorsed Obama’s position paper, “Advancing The Frontiers of Space Exploration.” Previously, the Illinois senator has indicated he would consider cutting the space program to fund education, rattling nerves at NASA centers around the country.
The UK Metro reported that members of the mile-high club may soon be after an upgrade: with the onset of space tourism, we could see the 62-mile-high club. And it’s more than just a giggle for thrill-seekers: last month, NASA advisor Dr Jason Kring called for the US space agency to prepare astronauts for sex in space. “A round-trip mission to Mars could take three years,” he points out. “We shouldn’t assume these men and women will have no thoughts of sex.” He suggested privacy should be factored into the design of spacecraft and that astronauts follow the example of polar explorers and take ‘expedition spouses’ with them.
NASA isn’t alone on the sex-in-space frontier. The Metro said Virgin Galactic, Richard Branson’s space tourism venture, is due to start test flights this year. “We’ve already had a number of inquiries from people about whether they could be the first to have sex in space,” says Will Whitehorn, president of Virgin Galactic. “But we haven’t accepted any bookings on that basis and won’t until we understand what the safety issues might be.” Experts say hooking up in zero gravity could present problems. Pundits argue that problems are exactly what high-stepping progressive junior Senators casually overcome.
“Honestly, who would have believed me if I told you five years ago that in 2008 the U.S. would elect as president, a junior Senator with virtually no political experience and zero business skills, a man who spent 20 years in an anti-American church with a pastor whose buddy is Louis Farrakhan, a candidate with the Pentagon bomber as his good friend, and who had an imprisoned racketeer as a real estate partner,” asked someone claiming to be Bill Moyers, a conservative social communist, whose views on freedom are balanced with a liberal dose of totalitarianism and ethical blindness. “It’s a proud day to be an American without a flag lapel pin, bent on changing everything we know about U.S. history, government, and the redistribution of wealth. Oops, I think I just peed down my leg with excitement. Watch out so you don’t slip in it when you walk out.”
In other news, CBS 13 Sacramento reported on Tuesday that State Senator Alan Lowenthal, a Long Beach Democrat, says that electric cars are too quiet. Lowenthal is pushing a bill aimed at ensuring that the vehicles make enough noise to be heard by the blind and visually impaired when they’re about to cross a street. The state Senate approved the bill on a 23-12 vote and sent it to Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has not taken a position. State traffic officials say they don’t keep statistics on pedestrian accidents involving hybrid or electric vehicles. No word on whether the Senator has also made recommendations to NASA about managing the sounds of sex in space.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com