Seinfeld Sells Microsoft, Phelps Sells Corn Flakes

Comedian to push Vista operating system
Olympian to push breakfast cereal

Inebriated Press
August 24, 2008

Ars Technica reported Thursday that Microsoft has a new $300 million ad campaign to promote their flailing Vista operating system with the help of comic, Jerry Seinfeld. And E! Online reported Wednesday that Kellogg’s Corn Flakes beat out General Mills Wheaties, and will have Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps hawking their cereal. Connoisseurs of computers and breakfast debate whether famous people can change their consumer buying habits.

“I’ll do anything that Michael tells me too,” said Heather Ann Nempho, a space historian and Playgirl magazine collector, on the rebound after the magazines cancelation. “He is everything a woman wants in a man. Kind, cute, strong, rich, famous and an Olympian. What’s not to like! On the other hand what’s Seinfeld ever done but toss out some silly comments? I wouldn’t take his advice on deodorant.”

Not everyone buys what Nempho is selling. “I’ll take Jerry Seinfeld’s advice before some jocks,” said Flowie River-Pebblebottom, a small assed nuclear physicist who values cheeky humor and creativity over testosterone. “Jerry wouldn’t lead me wrong about computer software; he’s not that kind of guy. I’d do anything he asked. Anything. But Phelps, what’s he ever done but splash around in the water really really fast? I should take advice on nutrition from a water baby? I don’t think so.”

Ars Technica reported that Microsoft hopes a new $300 million ad campaign about the flailing Windows Vista will somehow turn it into a success with the help of comedian Jerry Seinfeld. The campaign will be one of the largest in Microsoft’s history, and is expected to begin on September 4. Seinfeld may not be the only celebrity involved in the new Windows Vista campaign. The ever-popular “people close to the situation” have informed the Wall Street Journal that Seinfeld is simply “one of the key celebrity pitchmen” that will appear alongside Bill Gates to discuss Vista’s merits. Vista’s reputation has taken a beating since its launch, and Microsoft said last month that it was finally going to do something about it. In the meantime, Apple will continue to pummel Vista with its own somewhat-annoying, but apparently effective “Get a Mac” campaign. Will Seinfeld be able to out-funny John Hodgman and Justin Long? Time will tell.

E! Online reported that it’s a sad day for Wheaties. Kellogg’s beat out the “Breakfast of Champions” for the honor of featuring Michael Phelps on Corn Flakes and Frosted Flakes cereal boxes. Does anyone else miss the iconic orange background that usually goes along with Olympic victory? And “Better eat your Frosted Flakes, son” doesn’t sound nearly as inspiring. Of course, nutritionists aren’t too happy about the switch either, since Tony the Tiger’s cereal has three times the amount of sugar as Wheaties and only a third of the fiber, neither of which help the fight against childhood obesity. Will you eat ’em? I guess time will tell about that too.

In other news, the National Ledger reports that Amanda Beard is certainly not afraid to bare all. The Olympic swimmer dropped her clothes for Playboy and PETA and now she is baring her soul for Michael Phelps. Or at least his mom. Beard is in full damage control as she desperately tries to backpedal on her comments about Phelps when she was quizzed by a radio program asking if she was dating Phelps, America’s newest hero and an eight-time gold medal winner at the Beijing Olympics. On the radio program Amanda told the audience that she was not dating Phelps but many believed that she went too far when she said it would be nasty to date Phelps and responded with a “Eww No!” when asked if she had ever “hooked up” with the Olympic champion. She later tossed in a “that’s nasty! Phelps mother Debbie said that she thought the comments by Beard were “rude.” Amanda apologized. No word on whether she’d date Seinfeld if she had the chance, or if she plans to toss her Apple for Vista.

(C) 2008

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