Dog’s are Doctors, Bunny’s are Sorority House Moms

Scientists say dogs are able to detect tumors
Playboy Playmate Shelley Darlingson stars in “The House Bunny”

Inebriated Press
August 27, 2007

RedOrbit reported last week that scientists are now using dogs to sniff out bladder tumors from urine samples, a non-invasive and simple way of detecting disease. And The Jersey Journal reported that Playboy Bunny Shelley Darlingson is living the bimbo dream as she makes her home in the Playboy Mansion and is currently staring in a new Adam Sandler movie. Pundits debate whether it’s fair to compare Playboy Bunny’s with cancer-curing dogs, or even talk about them in the same paragraph.

“You can’t discuss curing cancer and an Adam Sandler movie in the same context, it’s more than absurd,” said John Doe, a unisexual adult who denies a real identity and continues to argue that there is no sign that John Doe’s really exist anyplace in the universe. “There is no platform for a comparative discussion about the two, I don’t exist as a being in any true format, and this conversation is completely superfluous. If I actually existed I’d own a dog and be in pursuit of a Playboy Bunny like everybody else, but that’s not the case. I’m not usually this crabby but babes, bunnies and dogs are important and shouldn’t be taken so lightly that writers invent shallow characters like me to discuss them. I’m very disappointed.”

Not everyone thinks illness and movies are disparate. “I’ve gotten sick watching movies a lot of times, not cancer I don’t think because I don’t live with a dog that can tell me that, but the two do share the same contextual space on occasion,” said Jane Doe, a person of interest, whose invented life seems to be less onerous to her than John’s. “I like movies and dogs and am against all illnesses. I guess I’m simple that way. That’s why I like Adam Sandler. You don’t have to be too bright to watch his flicks. Of course you can’t expect much from them no matter what your IQ is.”

RedOrbit reported that scientists are using dogs to sniff out bladder tumors from urine samples, and a common form of skin cancer could be detected by its distinctive scent, possibly paving the way for new cheap and painless forms of testing. Philadelphia’s Monell Center sampled the air directly above basal cell carcinomas and found it was different to similar samples from healthy skin. Experts say all human skin releases chemicals called “volatile organic compounds”, many of which do have a scent. “Our findings may someday allow doctors to screen for and diagnose skin cancers at very early stages,” said Dr Michelle Gallagher, presenting the results of the project at the American Chemical Society’s annual conference.

The Jersey Journal reported that Shelley Darlingson is living the bimbo dream. She’s already appeared in three nude pictorials (including “Girls of the G.E.D.”). She has her own room at the Playboy Mansion, all the mango margaritas she can drink and an expense account at every Candies outlet in town. Hef himself has said she might even be Miss November. Now Darlingson gets to play the house-mother to a sorority in an Adam Sandler production called “The House Bunny.” Like their biggest hit, “Legally Blonde,” this movie features a sexy ditz (the about-to-hit Reese Witherspoon then, the ambitious Anna Faris here) who’s too sweet to hate. Like that movie, it features snobbish villains, mad makeover sessions and lots of Cosmo Girl dating tips. Although “The House Bunny” is supposedly about empowerment, it’s mostly about how to live and look like a porn star. Some pundits argue that dogs and porn stars are all most men are looking for.

“A guy with a good dog and a porn star relationship has all his needs met except for food and shelter,” said some idiot who wandered past and looked over my shoulder. “I mean what guy wouldn’t want to live with a loveable cancer-detecting dog that wags its tail at you, and a hot chick that knows everything about sex and wags her tail at you? Put me in house with them next to a Denny’s and I’d be set.”

In related news, Inebriated reporters have been in heated debate over whether this writer has lost his entire mind or just part of it. No word on whether it really matters. “I’ve still got my health,” I said.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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