Monthly Archives: September 2008

VP Candidate Sarah Palin does what Obama can’t: conquer Pakistan

Pakistani President Zardari calls Palin “gorgeous” in meeting
Hefner wants her to pose in Playboy centerfold

Inebriated Press
September 30, 2008

TIME reported on Friday that when U.S. Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin met with Pakistan’s President Asif Ali Zardari in New York last week, he gushed: “You are more gorgeous than you are on [television].” And Starpulse reported last week that Playboy founder Hugh Hefner wants Palin to pose naked in Playboy magazine.  He said she looks sexy with glasses and would like to see her without.  Pundits debate the power of hot looking conservatism versus dry liberal hyperbole.

Sarah Palin meets Pakistani President Zardari

Sarah Palin meets Pakistani President Zardari

“It doesn’t matter that most of what presidential candidate Barack Obama says is bull shit, he’s all for ‘change’ and his one-hundred-plus votes of ‘present’ as a State and U.S. Senator proves that,” said Hockem “Bailout” McGraw, the owner of a taxpayer subsidized home for victims of their own stupidity.  “A pretty face shouldn’t get any attention in our society unless it’s talking liberal-socialist values that will result in me getting more stuff.  I only want my fair share and no one should be telling me to work for it.  I’m a lazy guy who has needs and wants and I’m getting really pissed off at some of these Hispanics who sneak into the country and are willing to work crap jobs and hope to become citizens.  Let them demand free stuff the same way I do and get in line.  It’s change they should believe in.”

Not everyone is buying what “Bailout” McGraw is selling.  “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and only expect the federal government to give you a level playing field and some opportunity, that’s all anyone should hope for,” said Mary-Belle Masters-Johnson, a self-help guru who moonlights by flashing her self-funded silicon enhancements at the Johnny Come-Lately Bar and Strip Club. “If Palin has natural beauty to go with her natural brains and a penchant for busting up old-boy networks that are corrupt, and she can use her looks and talent to bring the Middle East under control, for heavens’ sake let her to it!  Obama said he wants to chat with Iranian terrorists and maybe bomb Pakistan, while Palin smiles at one head of state and he bends to her will.  It’s a hell of a lot better than blowing up shit.  Let the woman ply her trade.  She’s a governor with an 80% approval rating for god’s sake! US Congress has 9% and Bush around 20%.  Let her kick some ass by looking hot and talking smart.  Where’s the harm in that?”

TIME reported that after U.S. Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin shook hands with Pakistan’s President Asif Ali Zardari in New York last week, and Palin declared she was honored to meet him, Zardari said: “You are more gorgeous than you are on [television]. Now I know why the whole of America is crazy about you.” At this point, the two were urged to shake hands again, presumably for the benefit of the cameras. “I’m supposed to pose again,” Palin said quietly. Pointing toward the aide that prompted them, Zardari said, “If he’s insisting, I might hug.” TIME said that the resulting exchange turned Palin into a household name in Pakistan, but saw Zardari pilloried at home as a source of national embarrassment and accused of sexism and impropriety.

Hefner

Hefner

Starplus reported that Hugh Hefner wants Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin to pose naked in Playboy magazine— if her White House campaign fails. The 44-year-old Alaska Governor and former beauty queen has a huge male following— and Hefner is convinced the magazine would fly off the shelves if she agreed to strip for him.  Hefner told OK! magazine: “Palin would make a great centerfold. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about a really sexy-looking woman wearing glasses. Imagine what she’s like when those glasses come off. It would be a new definition of the word vice in vice president.”  Some people say beauty is only skin deep, but others argue that since Helen of Troy’s face could launch a thousand ships, American’s should give Sarah Palin a shot.

“If Palin was nothing more than a pretty face, it would make sense to diss her and put her down,” said Jo Bloe, a pet store owner who wrestles tigers in her spare time as a way to relax.  “The fact is, she has more governing experience than Obama and Biden put together and a much higher approval rating among her constituents.  She broke up corruption in her own Party and beat the big oil companies in fair negotiations. So what if she’s not an expert in foreign policy – neither is Obama and he’s running for president not vice president. Palin is bright and has common sense; Barack waits for Michelle to tell him what to do.  When I imagine Sarah breaking the glass ceiling by becoming the first female vice president of the United States of America, busting up corruption in the federal government and then posing in Playboy, I almost start gushing about her like the Pakistani president does.  There’s way more to Sarah Palin than good looks.  Zardari’s got vision, that’s for sure.”

Yasmin Fostok

Yasmin Fostok

In other news, the UK Mail Online reported Saturday that Yasmin Fostok, the daughter of firebrand Muslim cleric Omar Bakri Mohammed, has been revealed as a topless, tattooed pole dancer. The 26-year-old single mother has been displaying her charms in London clubs and touring as a ‘podium’ dancer with a troupe called Ibiza Untouched.  The cleric dismissed the reports and told the media Islam would soon conquer Britain. “You are going to pay a heavy price,” Bakri said.  “You can read it any way you like. The time is now.” No word on whether part of Bakri’s strategy for taking over Britain involves his pole dancing daughter, but who knows, she might be more than just a pretty face.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Surprise! Penis Amputation and South America’s Russian Nukes

Man sues doctors for chopping off his penis without consent
Russia offers nuclear technology to Venezuela’s anti-US leader Hugo Chavez

Inebriated Press
September 29, 2008

WLKY Kentucky reported last week that Philip Seaton, 61, is suing doctors after he consented to have a circumcision but woke up to find his penis had been amputated. And AFP reported last week that Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin told Venezuela’s anti-US leader Hugo Chavez, that he was ready to cooperate with them on nuclear energy. Earlier this month Russia sent two long-range bombers to Venezuela for exercises and dispatched a flotilla of warships from the Arctic base of Severomorsk to Venezuela, near US waters. Pundits are debating how people should react when they receive surprising news that their anatomy or hemispheric security is threatened, or has even been chopped off.

“There’s no point getting excited over Russia putting nukes in our hemisphere or some doctor cutting off your dick unexpectedly.  Over-reaction just results in recrimination and hostility, when all we need to do is sit back and let stuff happen and go along with the flow,” said someone claiming to be Senate majority leader Harry Reid, a man often accused of having no balls, unless he’s battling for higher taxes or trying to sneak some personal-pork into a multi-billion dollar bail-out designed to save the world economy.  “So what if Russia wants to re-establish the old Soviet empire by taking parts of their neighboring countries like Georgia, or putting nuclear missiles in South America.  It’s no big deal.  Germany took Poland and Austria a few years back and that all worked out okay somehow.  People need to take vice presidential candidate Joe Biden’s advice, and stand up and say encouraging things like Roosevelt did on television in 1929. And let’s get off this anti-Iranian nuke talk. Like presidential candidate Barack Obama said, they’re just a small country.”

Not everyone is buying what Reid is selling.  “That dick-less reprobate doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” said Gentle Ben, a black bear not known for hyperbole or talking to humans.  “I’ve lived in the wild and have hung-out with Grizzly Adams, and I know you can’t treat people who cut off your sex organs or put weapons designed to attack you in your backyard, as though they are nothing. This is survival of the fittest buddy, and if you behave stupidly then you’re not fit, and will get your ass kicked and have masculine parts removed without your consent.  Don’t tell me this stuff is okay.  It’s not okay and never has been.  You put a fast stop to anything designed to neuter your importance as a man or a country.  And you do it now.”

WLKY reported that a Shelby County, Kentucky, man and his wife said two doctors amputated the man’s penis without his consent, and have filed a lawsuit. According to the lawsuit, Philip Seaton, 61, went to have a circumcision last October as part of treatment for a medical condition. Seaton said when he woke up from the procedure; he realized his penis had been amputated. Seaton has suffered mental anguish, pain, and has lost the enjoyment of life, according to the lawsuit. The lawsuit states that Dr. John Patterson, who performed the procedure, received consent to perform a circumcision and only a circumcision, and that Seaton, did not consent to his penis being removed. Kevin George, the plaintiff’s attorney, said Patterson amputated the organ after finding cancer, but he only had consent to remove the foreskin. The Seaton’s are seeking punitive damages.

AFP reported that Russia may launch nuclear energy cooperation with Venezuela, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin said Thursday during talks with the country’s fiercely anti-US leader Hugo Chavez. “We are ready to consider a possibility of cooperation in using nuclear energy,” Putin said. “I am ready to discuss our cooperation in military and technical sphere, Latin America has become an important chain-link in creating a multipolar world, and we will pay more attention to this vector.”

The AFP article said that in deployments not seen since the Cold War, Russia this month sent two long-range bombers to Venezuela for exercises and has dispatched a flotilla of warships from the Arctic base of Severomorsk to Venezuela, near US waters. In the latest sign of closer ties, a Kremlin source said Thursday that Russia had granted Venezuela the one-billion-dollar (682-million-euro) loan to buy Russian arms. Venezuela has already bought fighter jets, tanks and assault rifles, and the Kommersant daily reported two weeks ago that it was planning to purchase anti-aircraft systems, armored personnel carriers and more combat aircraft. Some people say men who lack sexual potency often try to make up for it by acquiring other types of explosive devises.

“It’s a common psychological compensation thing that is often found manifested in men in their fifties — like Chavez, Putin and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad all are,” said Sigmund Freud, a notorious gambler and secret agent who is best known for something else. “When a man can’t get it up like he used to, or starts thinking maybe he isn’t the masculine personality he once was, he may buy a hot rod, or some nuclear missiles, or even take a trophy wife or a small country. It’s usually best to let it play out until it’s out of their system, unless of course it hurts other folks more than they can handle — like the Holocaust or something — then you really should perform some kind of intervention.  You know, like cutting off their dick or blowing them up altogether.  Some of these things require pretty radical treatment to cure.”

In other news, Germany’s THE LOCAL reported that an Aachen man who failed to reach orgasm during his €30 ($44) session with a prostitute has accused her of unfairly taking his money, according to a police report on Wednesday. The john and the prostitute agreed on the fee for the 20-minute service in an Aachen alley, but failed to pick a specific goal for their undertaking, the police report said. When the man did not have an orgasm, he accused the woman of having a faulty “egg timer” that went off before he could. He then demanded his money back. When the prostitute refused to cough up the cash, he called the police. However, the officers were unable to mediate the situation successfully, and the man filed charges against the woman. No word on whether the man now has plans to buy some nukes or just take over a small country.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Pearls before Beer

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Palin Power Awakes at 3:00 a.m.

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Ben and Jerry’s “Breast Milk Ice Cream” and Cows That Milk Themselves

PETA tells Ben and Jerry to use human breast milk for ice cream instead of cows
Cutting edge technology in New Zealand allows cows to milk themselves

Inebriated Press
September 26, 2008

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) issued a news release Tuesday containing a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, cofounders of ice cream icon Ben & Jerry’s Homemade Inc., asking them to use human breast milk in their products instead of cows’ milk. And News 3 New Zealand posted an article Wednesday explaining how cutting-edge robotic technology is allowing cows the freedom to be milked whenever they choose.  Debate over whose milk should be in ice cream and whether robots or humans should be doing the milking, has got mammary aficionados’ in a thither.

“My five kids all enjoyed my Irish-Catholic breast milk during their formative years, and I think they’re all the healthier for it; so woman’s breast-milk-based ice cream makes a lot of sense.  You really can’t get a more natural product, or one more compatible with the human digestive system,” said Margaret Mead-Plenty, a social anthropologist and hair care specialist, whose milk production years are just barely behind her.  “I could see myself being part of a human dairy farm where we’re paid to produce milk for cheese, ice cream or just plain drinking.  I’m not sure about the robotic milking machines though, I’m a little unsure about sticking my boobs into a mechanical device.”

Not everyone is comfortable with the idea of women’s milk in the cones at Dairy Queen.  “Maybe it’s just me, but I’m used to the idea of getting dairy products from black and white Holsteins and I love cottage cheese and ice cream, but the idea of eating a Dilly Bar or Peanut Buster Parfait based on Margaret’s breast milk, kind of creeps me out,” said Susie Sisterson, a youthful chemist, whose unsuckled breasts are still in the running for about anything.  “I like the idea of the cows in New Zealand deciding when they want to get milked and triggering a robot to do the job whenever they feel like it.  It’s got to give the cows lots of flexibility with the heavy milkers showing up more often because their mammaries are full and they’re getting uncomfortable, while the lighter milkers can go longer in between.  It’s the kind of freedom that females deserve … be that human or animal.”

The PETA news release said they sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, cofounders of Ben & Jerry’s Homemade Inc., urging them to replace the cow’s milk in their products with human breast milk. PETA’s request came in the wake of news reports that a Swiss restaurant owner will begin purchasing breast milk from nursing mothers and substituting breast milk for 75 percent of the cow’s milk in the food he serves. PETA pointed out to Cohen and Greenfield that such a move on their part would lessen the suffering of dairy cows and their babies on factory farms and benefit human health at the same time.

Channel 3 News New Zealand reported that at a time when the dairy industry is booming and workers are in short supply, cutting edge technology is lending a helping hand. The country’s first robotic dairy farm is now up and running, complete with milking robots that allow the cows to choose their own milking time. Each animal has its own computerized collar giving it access to the milking shed, and monitoring its milk outflow and health. “It sends that information to the computer every time she comes into the robot to milk, and we use that data to keep track of cow health and eating patterns,” says farm manager Paul Berdell. Some pundits say that the combination of the New Zealand robotic dairy and PETA’s human breast milk idea will revolutionize human nutrition and create a new income source for single moms.

“This is truly an outstanding example of creative entrepreneurial thinking, the combination of robot milkers and single Mom’s with young kids who are outgrowing woman’s milk,” said Bill Clinton, speaking at his Global Initiative Conference, and ogling Hooters gals as potential milk production program participants. “We could convert old telephone booths into robot milkers and young mom’s could stop in, get milked in them, have it dispense some cash based on the volume of milk collected, and Baskin-Robbins could process their breast milk into Love Potion #31. Occasionally I could stop in to make sure that the milking machines aren’t pressing their breasts too hard, and just be encouraging.  I’m crazy about the idea.  It’ll give the women some cash on the side and make great nutritional food products.  It gives new meaning to the ‘Got Milk’ promotion.  Damn straight.”

In other news, former president Bill Clinton in an interview with FOX News’ Greta Van Susteren that aired Tuesday night, said he found Todd Palin an “interesting guy,” particularly for his fame in Alaska as a snowmobile racer. Clinton added that the Palin’s “obviously love each other.” Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, is John McCain’s running mate on the Republican presidential ticket. Her husband Todd sometimes is known as the “first dude” back in their home state. Reportedly Clinton was a little put off because Sarah hasn’t been returning his phone calls and figured she must still love Todd.  No word on whether he was calling her for a date, or since she just gave birth to her fifth child this past April, if he wants to sign her up for a new Clinton Global Breast Milk Ice Cream Initiative. Food marketing experts say the “Sarah Palin Cream Cone” would be as hot a seller as she is good looking, and healthy to boot. Wowsers.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Trends in Designer Vagina’s and Global Warming Time Bombs

Scientists discover massive methane ‘time bomb’ in Arctic
Designer vagina trend ‘worrying’ to urogynaecologists

Inebriated Press
September 25, 2008

The UK Daily Mail reported Tuesday scientists are warning that global warming could rapidly accelerate as millions of tons of methane escape from beneath the Arctic seabed. And BBC News reported Tuesday that a leading urogynaecologist is speaking out against the growing trend of cosmetic vaginal surgery. Pundits are debating whether man or nature is the cause of global warming and if surgically reshaping women’s vaginas have anything to do with it.

“Humankind is entirely responsible for global warming because we discovered fire, drive cars, and have reshaped the female vagina in such a way that the very thought of it creates the expenditure of additional heat calories by men into earth’s atmosphere,” said Julius Forthright-Sortof, a nuclear physicist by training and strip club owner by profession.  “And prehistoric man’s gas is concentrated under the Arctic.  They were eating soybeans and farting a lot in their caves, and since all caves are interconnected prehistoric man’s farts are trapped under Arctic ice.  I know this because it came to me in a dream one night.  And I know that artificial vaginas are also responsible because my club generates more heat in one night than I could in a nuclear lab back in college.  It is what it is.”

Not everyone thinks Forthright-Sortof has his facts straight.  “Humankind is a blip on the radar of the history of the universe, and the idea that somehow we’re even capable of causing a significant change on the planet or that we’re the cause of global warming is laughable. We think everything is always about us. Well we’re not shit in the scheme of things,” said Missy Mae Allen Life-Form, an environmentalist who discovered common sense by accident in the late ’90’s.  “Humans may be causing female anatomical change by screwing around unnecessarily with some women’s vaginas, but our impact on the universe is like an ant scratching the ass of an elephant.  I’d say that compared to the vastness of the known planetary systems and the power of time and space across the millennia, that we’re not even an afterthought in the back of the Universe mind.  If it’s got a mind.  Of course I wonder the same thing about half the guys I meet.”

The Daily Mail reported that researchers found massive stores of sub-sea methane in several areas across thousands of square miles of the Siberian continental shelf and observed the gas bubbling up from the sea floor through ‘chimneys’, according to newspaper reports. Scientists warned that global warming could rapidly accelerate as millions of tons of the methane escapes from beneath the Arctic seabed. The researchers believe the escaping sub-sea methane is connected to rises in temperatures in the Arctic region. The average temperature of the region has risen by 4C over recent decades, leading to a major decline in the area of the Arctic Ocean covered by summer sea ice. Inebriated reports say the scientists have yet to find a way to blame the methane on humans and the United States in particular, but they’re working on it.

BBC News reported that Professor Linda Cardozo, of King’s College Hospital, London, has spoken out against the growing popularity of cosmetic vaginal surgery. These include operations to make the external appearance more “attractive” and reshaping the vagina to counter laxity after childbirth, for example. She said there is little evidence that “vaginal rejuvenation” – the surgical repair of vaginal laxity, with a price tag of about £3,000 – improved symptoms and was any better than doing simple pelvic floor muscle exercises. “Women are paying large sums of money for this type of surgery which may improve the appearance of their genitalia but there is no evidence that it improves function,” Cardozo said.  Some pundits say that perception is always reality.

“If I think my stuff looks nicer because I invested a bunch of cash in surgery to remake it, so I know it’s better,” said Stacy Racy-Corvette, a pioneer in anti-organic chemistry and conceptual existence, who believes that humankind is natures one real mistake and it’s up to us to fend for ourselves.  “I’ve rebuilt most of my anatomy from the chest down; I work out and dye my hair.  I’ve never felt or looked better.  I get a little bloated and have gas from time to time, but I fart into a cave near my house so it doesn’t bother anybody.  I’m not sure where it goes, but I’m sure it’s no big deal.”

In other news, Reuters reported Tuesday that chef, food stylist and writer Jennifer McLagan challenges medical studies that have linked diet to heart disease in her new cookbook, “Fat: An Appreciation of a Misunderstood Ingredient, With Recipes.” McLagan insists animal fats are not only essential to cooking delicious food, but — in moderation — are more easily digested than the alternatives and have other health benefits, like boosting the immune system and lowering bad cholesterol. No word on how much less gas people have when eating natural fats, but chances are scientists will soon discover that most of the earths problems are ultimately related to the consumption of soy based margarine.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Bill Clinton says Sarah Palin is Hot

Former Prez says people relate to VP candidate and so does he
Meanwhile, boob-centric mouse / mouse pad a hot new product too
 
 

 

 

Inebriated Press
September 24, 2008

The Seattle Times reported Monday that former president Bill Clinton says he understands the appeal of current Alaskan governor and VP candidate Sarah Palin. “I get why she’s hot out there,” Clinton said. And GIZMODO reported Monday that use of a new breast-related mouse and mouse pad combo will help your co-workers know your true passions.  Debate over hotness and capability ramps up like Hillary Clinton’s blood pressure every time Bill opens up in public about his interest in other women.

High-tech, High-touch for VP

High-tech, High-touch for VP

“Hot new PC mice with breasts and hot new VP candidates with breasts are all well and good, but you’ve got to have substance to go along with them, if you’re going to be able to use them effectively to get things done,” said someone claiming to be Senator Hillary Clinton, wearing a hot-pink push-up bra purely for attention and carrying a Prada handbag containing Bill’s balls, purely for control.  “I respect the whole combination of high-tech and high-touch, but I think people should make sure that the underlying systems behind any new breast-based product or service can deliver what you’re expecting. I know I can. Damned Obama. Screwed up all my plans. Damned Bill. Nothing but trouble.”

Some pundits say both products deliver even more than advertised.  “The PC mouse with boobs may be new, but it’s got proven technology that delivers the web page or file you want every time you left click the left breast, and it will open menus at the click of the right tit, just the way you’d expect,” said Bob Throb-Knob, the president of a major tech company who likes to use an assumed name in order to blend in.  “And Sarah Palin has a proven track record of busting up corruption in the Alaska’s oil company dealings as well as in her own political party, not to mention she’s got five kids.  So you know she’s got plenty of good stuff going on in business, politics and sex.  Sarah’s one hot babe with a hot brain and she’s effectively processing on so many levels I break into a sweat just thinking about her.  I want her in office bad.  Come to think about it, I just want her bad.”

High-tech, High-touch for PC

High-tech, High-touch for PC

The Seattle Times reported that Bill Clinton said Monday he understands why Sarah Palin is popular in the heartland: because people relate to her. “I come from Arkansas, I get why she’s hot out there,” Clinton said. “Why she’s doing well.” Speaking to reporters before his Clinton Global Initiative meeting, the former president described Palin’s appeal by adding, “People look at her, and they say, ‘All those kids. Something that happens in everybody’s family. I’m glad she loves her daughter and she’s not ashamed of her. Glad that girl’s going around with her boyfriend. Glad they’re going to get married.’ I get this,” Clinton said. “My view is … why say, ever, anything bad about a person? Why don’t we like them and celebrate them and be happy for her elevation to the ticket?” An Inebriated reporter said Clinton went on to speak at some length, off-the-record, about other aspects of elevation, erection and upward progression.

Peace through technology

Peace through technology

GIZMODO reported that a new boob-centric mouse and mouse pad lets your co-workers know your true passions. The article said that if you’re a 13-year-old boy or just someone with the maturity level of a 13-year-old boy, you’ll love the breast-related mouse and mouse pad combo. The mouse features a couple of boobs as buttons, while the mouse pad uses boobs as a wrist rest. The article said that for $38, it’s probably the only way you’re ever going to get your hands on two pairs of breasts at the same time. The writer called it a win/win! Some experts say that Americans can have the best of all worlds when they embrace the nicely breasted VP-PC mouse combo.

“What’s not to like about the female anatomy as represented by a solid VP candidate with governing experience and an electronic device designed to run your PC by pressing and squeezing little jubblies,” asked someone claiming to be Bill Clinton, the former leader of the free world, who never let sex-play in the Oval Office interfere with his cheeseburger consumption.  “I can’t come out and advocate a Republican candidate, I’d like to but I just can’t.  On the other hand you all know how I feel about breasts and people who have them.  Let me just say that any smart devise with a set of knockers is bound to be better than the alternative.”

Bill Clinton, product tester, in action.

Bill Clinton, product tester, in action.

In other news, the Washington Post reported Monday that the US Senate has embraced last year’s Defense Science Board conclusion that directed-energy weapons — such as high-, medium- and low-power lasers — hold great potential and should be developed as soon as possible. Low-power lasers known as “dazzlers” are being used in Iraq, mounted on M-4 rifles, “to warn or temporarily incapacitate individuals,” according to the Defense Science Board’s report. Army, Special Forces and more recently Marine units are using them to warn or deter drivers approaching checkpoints and to “defuse potential escalation of force incidents,” according to the report. No word on whether future designs will use squeezable boobs for buttons, but Bill Clinton says he’s on board.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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