Daily Archives: September 11, 2008

Jurassic Park Beer and the VP Palin Bot

Fossil Fuels Brewing Co., ferments beer with 45 million year-old yeast
John McCain ferments politics with Sarah Palin the perfect cyber-gal

Inebriated Press
September 11, 2008

The Washington Post reported last week that Fossil Fuels Brewing Co. is fermenting beer using a yeast strain Raul Cano, a real-life “Jurassic Park” scientist, found in a piece of Burmese amber dating from about 25 million to 45 million years ago. And Wired News reported last week that Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin is so perfect that they wonder if she’s a cybernetic politicalbot.  Pundits debate the societal benefits of cyber hot VP’s and ice cold Jurassic beer. 

“It’s a brave new world of wonder and delight when you can have tasty ancient booze and a modern vice president who is perfect in every way and a babe to boot,” said someone claiming to be former president John F. Kennedy, an intelligent black man last seen in the movie Bubba Ho-Tep, where he battled an Egyptian mummy with Elvis Presley’s help.  “I may be a dead Democrat but if this woman wins the VP slot, she’ll be the hottest babe in government.  She’s also my kind of Democrat because she’s got the same values I have, except that she seems pretty tight with her husband.  Today’s Republicans are my era’s Democrats and today’s Democrats are yesterday’s Socialists.  That’s why Lieberman, a leading Democrat of this era, endorsed the McCain-Palin ticket.  It’s the darndest thing I’ve seen outside of Marilyn Monroe doing that song on my birthday.”

Not everyone sees it the way Kennedy does.  “Old beer and cyber vice presidents is no way to head into the future, we need new beer and old politics if we want better days going forward,” said someone claiming to be Jimmy Carter, a former president who brought hyper-inflation, joblessness and military embarrassment into 1970’s America.  “We should have new born-on dated beer that hasn’t got any age to it and old politics from Chicago by electing a man with old racketeer buddies instead of some cyber babe governor with a penchant for reform who listens to voters.  She’s not real anyway.  I saw her in that bikini pic on the web with the gun and can tell it was Photoshopped, whatever that means.  I think she’s plastic and runs on microchips.  She’s way too smart, practical and good looking to be a real woman.”

The Washington Post reported that Raul Cano is a real-life “Jurassic Park” scientist. Cano extracted DNA from an ancient Lebanese weevil entombed in amber, just as the fictional employees of InGen do with a mosquito to create their dino-amusement park. Cano tried to turn the strains into new antibiotics but it didn’t work so he looked for a new use.  “I was going through my collection, going, ‘Gee whiz — this is pretty nifty. Maybe we could use it to make beer,'” says Cano, 63, now the director of the Environmental Biotechnology Institute at California Polytechnic State University in San Luis Obispo. The result is Fossil Fuels Brewing Co., which ferments a yeast strain Cano found in a piece of Burmese amber dating from about 25 million to 45 million years ago. The Washington Post Style section’s summer beer critic pronounced his German wheat beer “smooth and spicy, excellent with chicken strips.”

Wired News reported that they’re obsessed with this year’s political campaign and have only one question on their mind, ever since John McCain picked Sarah Palin to be his running mate: Is she a cybernetic politicalbot, or not?  The article said that no one ever sees Palin go through a metal detector at airport security and that John McCain’s speeches have been including phrases like “we need to invest more into medical technology, such as synthetic skin.”  Back in May of this year Gizmo Watch reported that “Lisa the perfect woman” a robotic product from AI Robotics, was slated for release in June.  Some scientists postulate that there’s been just enough time to test and debug Lisa and rename her Sarah.

“Sarah Palin is Robot Lisa, there’s no doubt about it,” said Inebriated investigative reporter Sunny Dayze, a part-time Democrat investigator, who scoured Alaska trying to find out about the “real Sarah Palin,” hoping to discover why anyone could possibly like a charismatic, intelligent woman governor who reformed her own Party, cut taxes and increased jobs and revenue.  “She’s a cyber machine with lipstick that’s for sure.  I think Sarah emits a low level audio frequency that mesmerizes people and bends them to her will.  Saying things like ‘if I’m elected I’ll represent the voters and not try to please big media’ isn’t the kind of thing real voters will respond to.  I think she’s some kind of mechanical creature that may have even taken on a life of its own.  I really believe that. It’s not the 45 million year-old beer talking, I’m sure of it.” 

In other news, WTAM Cleveland reported last week that female members of the group PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) took showers in public as they tried to get people to stop eating meat so we use less water.  They say that processing 1 lb. of meat uses the equivalent amount of water for six months of showers. No word on whether the PETA babes were cyborgs or if the water was 45 million years old, but word is Bill Clinton plans to study it closely in his spare time.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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