Federal Employees have Sex and Drugs with Big Oil

“…sexual relationships with prohibited sources cannot, by definition, be arms-length.”
Stone-age tribesmen “held barbecues at Stonehenge”

Inebriated Press
September 12, 2008

The Wall Street Journal reported yesterday that employee’s of the U.S. Minerals Management Service, which oversees the nation’s natural-gas, oil and other mineral resources, took industry kick backs and “frequently consumed alcohol at industry functions, used cocaine and marijuana, and had sexual relations with oil and gas company representatives.”  Meanwhile, the U.K. Mirror reported Tuesday that experts have found evidence that centuries ago stone-age tribesmen held barbecues at Stonehenge.  Debate is heating up over the difference between ethical failure and a plain old good time.

“What’s the big deal about a little sex, drugs and barbecue between friends and business associates?  It’s important to have social outings and press the flesh a little with people you work with,” said former president Bill Clinton, at the 56th Street Hooters in New York City, where he sat eating chicken wings and contemplating flesh pressing.  “And a little cash on the side has always been good for politics and business.  It’s been that way from the first barbecue at Stonehenge to the last big orgy at Chevron.  Anybody who thinks otherwise is more delusional than the guy who beat my wife out of the Democrat nomination for president.”

Not everyone sees it the way the former president does.  “It’s this kind of oil company and government employee cronyism that I broke up in Alaska and I’ll breakup in D.C. if the people put John McCain and me in office,” said cyber babe and Governor Sarah Palin, putting lipstick on her hockey-mom-lips and putting the world on notice that she takes shit from no one.  “A federal agency whose employees split up cash gifts from oil and gas companies, and then has sex and does drugs with company officials too?  We could import hookers from Britain and allocate them to U.S. government employees and save a ton of money if I condoned that sort of thing.  The federal government is messed up on all kinds of levels.  Let me at ’em.  Put me in office and let me at ’em.”

The Wall Street Journal reported that employees of the federal agency that last year collected more than $11 billion in royalties from oil and gas companies broke government rules and created a “culture of ethical failure” by allegedly accepting gifts from and having sex with industry representatives, the Interior Department’s top watchdog said Wednesday.

A report by the Interior Department’s inspector general, Earl Devaney, described a party atmosphere at the Denver office of the Minerals Management Service, a bureau of the department. Some employees of the office, which houses the department’s royalty-in-kind program, “frequently consumed alcohol at industry functions, had used cocaine and marijuana, and had sexual relations with oil and gas company representatives,” the report said, adding that “sexual relationships with prohibited sources cannot, by definition, be arms-length.”

The report also says that between 2002 and 2006, 19 employees in the agency’s royalty-in-kind program, roughly a third of the program’s total staff, had “socialized with and had received a wide array of gifts from oil and gas companies with whom the employees were conducting official business.”

The Minerals Management Service oversees the nation’s natural-gas, oil and other mineral resources on the outer continental shelf, and its duties include drawing up leases for drilling in offshore waters. The report named four companies — Chevron Corp., a U.S. unit of Royal Dutch Shell PLC, Gary-Williams Energy Corp. and Hess Corp. — as gift givers.

The U.K. Metro reported that tribes took cattle across the country to barbecues near Stonehenge 5,000 years ago, experts said last week. Tests on animal teeth finds show they must have come from at least as far as Wales. Feasts were held at Durrington Walls in Wiltshire before Stonehenge was built around 2500 BC and Dr Jane Evans, of the British Geological Survey, said it was a case of “bring your own beef”.  Some people say all’s fair in politics, sex and barbeque.

“It’s silly that some people are bothered by government and corporate ‘corruption’ and claim that there are greater goods and higher ethics that should be aspired to,” said Charles “Chuck” Darwin, a writer and traveler of some repute, who once argued that humans had evolved beyond the level of mere animals.  “The strong survive and the weak perish, it’s all in the cycle of life.  Some people kill animals to barbeque and avoid starvation while others have sex with government officials and give them money so they can do oil deals with impunity.  If you’ve got the power and the opportunity, you do what you want.  Why do you think Putin is in the Republic of Georgia now?  He’s taking the only oil pipeline to Europe that’s not controlled by Russia or Iran.  He’s doing it because he can.  It gives him power over Europe.  It’s no big deal.  What I can’t figure out is why the U.S. allows Mexicans to routinely invade their country and why they haven’t taken over Canada for the natural resources.  Silly ethical thinkers are probably in the way I suppose.”

In other news, the U.K. Telegraph reported last week that a seven-year-old girl with a rare illness is being kept alive by four doses of Viagra a day. Natalie Archibald is suffering from the lung condition primary pulmonary hypertension.  Doctors prescribed Viagra, better known as a treatment for male impotence, and the drug has since transformed her life. Pulmonary hypertension is a progressive disorder that causes abnormally high blood pressure that affects arteries in the lungs. The Viagra works by opening the arteries and improving the blood flow.  No word on whether oil company executives will try to payoff the girls mother in order to get Viagra for parties with U.S. government officials, but word on the street is that if you set aside ethics, then everything is for sale.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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