Daily Archives: September 16, 2008

Eat Veggies: Save World, Lose Mind

Scientists find high vegetable intake shrinks brain
United Nations advocates meat reduction to save climate

Inebriated Press
September 16, 2008

The Times of India reported Sunday that scientists at Oxford University have discovered that going vegetarian and eliminating meat makes a person six times more likely to suffer brain shrinkage and brain atrophy. And the U.K. Telegraph reported last week that the United Nations is advising everyone to stop eating meat so there will be fewer cows raised; which will reduce the environmental damage from the methane gas they produce.  Pundits debate whether it’s best to lose our minds or risk damaging the sky by allowing cows that burp.

“The earth is our mother and we must protect it no matter how slim the correlation between cows and actual climate change, so we should destroy all the cows and eat only lawn and an occasional Republican,” said Maxine Mindlez-Murphy, a professional environmentalist and part-time cannibal, who believes that by physically consuming conservatives the world can increase the food supply, control population growth and cut down on disconcerting alternative viewpoints.  “There’s no sense in taking chances by allowing cows to roam the earth burping and farting.  I’ve been eating nothing but yard waste and I know my brain is sharp as a tack.  I admit I’ve been too weak to run down a Republican and aren’t sure how to field dress one if I did, but I’m working on it.  Nothing is too tough to learn when the issue is saving the earth and reducing the number of people I disagree with.”

Not everyone thinks that Mindlez-Murphy’s brain is sharp as a tack.  “Anyone who can reach such an advanced plane of enlightenment that they want to destroy their brain over a cow burping theory has already lost their mind,” said Stacy Stai-Sane, the CEO of a major corporation, who routinely juggles job, family and common sense, all at the same time.  “I may be an idiot to left-wing environmental whackos and most Democrats, but I’m a meat eater with a substantial brain, so my guess is that I’m not as stupid as they think I am.  I admit that I’m a hard working conservative who goes to church, so they feel I shouldn’t have the power to comment on social or environmental issues, but so far the constitution still gives me that right.  Now, pull up a chair and eat a steak with me.  Turns out scientists have proven that U.N. officials and PETA activists really are brainless.”

The Times of India reported that scientists at Oxford University have discovered that going veggie could be bad for your brain, with those on a meat-free diet six times more likely to suffer brain shrinkage. Vegans and vegetarians are the most likely to be deficient because the best sources of the critical B12 vitamin are meat, milk and fish. Vitamin B12 deficiency can also cause anemia and inflammation of the nervous system. Yeast extracts are one of the few vegetarian foods which provide good levels of the vitamin but there aren’t plates of yeast on most menus.

The article said the link between reduced meat consumption and brain shrinkage was discovered by Oxford University scientists who used memory tests, physical checks and brain scans to examine 107 people between the ages of 61 and 87. When the volunteers were retested five years later doctors found those with the lowest levels of vitamin B12 were also the most likely to have brain shrinkage. It confirms earlier research showing a link between brain atrophy and low levels of B12.

The Telegraph reported that Dr Rajendra Pachauri, chair of the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, said people should eat less meat to help combat the effects of climate change. The U.N. guesses that meat production is responsible for almost a fifth of global greenhouse gas emissions. They say cows, in particular, emit methane which is 23 times more effective as a global warming agent than carbon dioxide. Dr Pachauri, a vegetarian, said people needed to look at every aspect of their lives in terms of its environmental impact. Pachauri said everyone should aim for one meat-free day a week, before scaling down their consumption even further. Some pundits argue that vegetarians with atrophied brains shouldn’t be recommending anything to anyone let alone influencing government policy.

“I used to wonder why most of the thinking that comes from vegetarians, environmentalists and PETA was so stupid that only Democrats could believe it,” said Yolanda Wistful-Cerebellum, a rocket scientist and part-time stripper at the Institute of Thrust and Thighs.  “Now we have scientific proof that their brains have atrophied.  I always considered their claims and theories the mere rantings of lunatic zealots.  Now I’ve been proven right.  Must be all the burgers and barbeque I eat. Hopefully more Americans will swing into a meat market and get the brain nutrients they need so they can think clearly about this stuff.  If that doesn’t happen we’ll wind up with nothing but left-wing brainless zombies running things … and I’m speaking in scientific terms.”

In other news, the Pensacola News Journal reported on Saturday that a 40-year-old man walking his dog in the nude was Tasered by police when he refused to follow an officer’s commands.  David McCranie of the Tallahassee Police Department says an officer on patrol spotted the man shortly after 8 p.m. Friday. The man was asked what he was doing and told the officer, “Allah told me to watch a Bruce Willis movie and walk the dog,” McCranie said. No word on how long the man has been a vegetarian or how much he’s donated to the Obama for President Campaign.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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