U.S. Provides $5 Million in Hurricane Relief to Cuba
Russia Pledges Overseas Military Deployments, Cuban Air Bases on List
Inebriated Press – Division of Rant (with pretzels)
September 17, 2008
MarketWatch reported yesterday that the U.S. will send up to $5 million to assist Cuba with immediate emergency needs in the aftermath of three recent hurricanes. And the New York Sun reported Thursday that Russian president Medvedev vowed to expand military deployment and may house bombers on Cuban air bases. Debate over what constitutes aid is ramping up like a Bill and Hillary Clinton discussion about what constitutes “helpfulness” by interns in blue dresses.
“The United States is always giving and always helping and Cuba flips us off and just keeps taking; meanwhile the Soviets, I mean Russians, don’t give a rip about Cuba but is talking about using the island as a staging cite for bombers near Florida. Screw it, it’s time we just took Cuba like the Russians took Georgia,” said Missy Mae-Truhart, an earthy girl with a benevolent presence, whose part-time work as an elementary school-teacher endears her to children, while her part-time work at the local gun club endears her to the NRA. “We give Cuba aid all the time but won’t buy their cigars and call it punishment for being communist. We trade with China like crazy and they’re way worse communists than Cuba. We let Russia do what they want nowadays, and then express disappointment when they do, but don’t stop them. Let’s elect a war hero president and take Cuba. It’s the least we can do to wake the Russians up.”
Not everyone agrees with Mae-Truhart. “The U.S. should be sending aid to everyone around the world to bolster their economies because we use a lot of the world’s resources. Americans owe their hard earned money to everyone else,” said someone claiming to be Barack Obama, a part-time junior U.S. Senator, who spends most of his time organizing groups of people in order to redistribute money and obtain personal power. “When I’m president, I’ll use the Democrat controlled House and Senate to push through my Global Poverty Act and commit the U.S. to provide $845 billion to the United Nations, over and above what we already spend. This in turn will cause terrorists to become peaceful and rogue nations to lay down their arms. If we pull troops out of the Middle East and allow other countries like Russia and Iran to do whatever they want, and provide more monetary gifts to other nations who hate us, the world will become peaceful and all of humankind will finally evolve a more hopeful future. My friends Jeremiah Wright, Tony Rezko and Bill Ayers have been dreaming of changing America and giving it’s assets to the world. I will be the one who does it.”
MarketWatch reported that the United States is prepared to offer as much as $3.5 million in humanitarian assistance and $1.5 million in aid (for an aggregate total of $5 million in humanitarian assistance) to Cuba, once disaster assessments are received from organizations working on the ground. The U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID) will provide up to $1.5 million to assist the Cuban people with immediate emergency needs in the aftermath of Hurricanes Gustav, Hanna, and Ike. This aid will include much needed relief supplies and grants to international and non-governmental organizations already working on the ground to help Cubans in the hardest hit areas. The emergency assistance totaling up to $1.5 million will include: temporary shelter for approximately 10,000 families; mattresses, bed linens, towels, mosquito nets, and kitchen sets (cooking utensils, pots, small stoves) for approximately 8,000 families.
The New York Sun reported that Russian President Medvedev vowed to beef up Russian military arsenals and warned that Russia could follow its dispatch of a pair of bombers to Venezuela by deploying forces to other “friendly” nations. The article said Russia has checked Cuban air bases and found them in good shape to host Russian aircraft. Russian Major General Pavel Androsov said Russia was not planning to send bombers to Cuba immediately, but said the Caribbean region was “interesting.” Medvedev said Russia will send its forces for maneuvers on the territories of ex-Soviet neighbors that are members of a Moscow-dominated security pact, as well as to unspecified other countries. Mr. Medvedev said he had ordered two Tu-160 bombers to fly to Venezuela at the invitation of President Chavez of Venezuela. “We will do it in other places as well,” Mr. Medvedev said. “That will clearly benefit the Russian armed forces.” Some pundits remind us that all’s fair in love and war.
“You do whatever you can in order to get what you want and it’s silly that in a dog-eat-dog world that the U.S. wastes its money thinking that giving it away will create love among the loveless,” said military expert and cupcake making champion, Susie Battlefleet-Baker, blowing flour dust off an AK-47. “I gave and gave to my first husband thinking that the more I gave the more he would love me and stop running around, carousing, drinking, smoking and partying. What did he do: more of the same. When I cut off his left nut one night, that slowed the bastard down. He understood that. I dumped him anyway and now I’m with a guy who loves and respects me. We’re partners. The U.S. needs to understand that Russia isn’t a partner. Obama needs to understand that flowery speech and giving your money to everybody else won’t do shit. Everybody will take it alright, but they won’t respect you or care. They’ll just grow to expect the handout. Take Putin’s and Ahmadinejad’s left nut and you’ll have their attention.”
In other news, CNN reported that a female suicide bomber detonated explosives Monday evening in Balad Ruz, Iraq, killing at least 20 people and wounding 30. Some liberals say it proves that Muslim extremists respect women since they’re allowed to blow themselves up. Reportedly Sarah Palin disagrees but Democrats don’t respect her for it. No word on why some Democrats think only terrorists, activists and liberals truly respect women, while Republicans who nominate an experienced conservative woman for vice president are thought to be intolerant anti-woman’s rights moron-warmongers.
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