Sperm Warfare and Iranian Peace-Making

New remote-controlled key fob controls sperm flow
Iran’s Ahmadinejad to share his ideas for global peace

Inebriated Press
September 23, 2008

The UK Times Online reported Saturday that the University of Adelaide in South Australia has invented a remote-controlled key fob that allows men to control a valve that can switch their sperm flow on and off.  It’s being heralded as a male contraception break-through in the battle of sperm warfare.  And Abu Dhabi’s The National reported Sunday, that Iran’s president will outline the “peaceful” nature of his country’s nuclear activities during an address at the UN, while on Saturday he presided over a parade and on display were long-range missiles that can reach Israel and a military truck with a banner that proclaimed, in both English and Farsi: “Israel should be eliminated from the universe”.  Debate heats up over the nature of power and control over unplanned pregnancy and nuclear holocaust.

“Technology is the ultimate key to controlling sperm flow and missile direction, and a guy who wants to knock up a chick or destroy a country should have the ability to do it or not, by using a device like a TV channel clicker,” said Rocket Scientist and Planned Parenthood executive, Rocky Tail-Piece, a man who loves high-tech power along with the flexibility of aborting any mistake he’s ever made.  “Tech should enable us to launch sperm cells or nuclear war heads in any direction we want, at any time, and we should be able to abort them by clicking another button whenever we like.  Technology leads to greater freedom and control by those who have the power and that’s why I’m a strong advocate of Planned Parenthood’s control of Moral Law, TV remote controls and sex education in schools.  Oh and Iran can have the bomb, why not?  I think their idea that destruction really brings peace makes sense.  Fundamentally it’s what we do in our abortion clinics.” 

Not everyone agrees with Tail-Piece.  “Just because someone has control of the clicker doesn’t mean that it’s good and they won’t nuke your country, knock you up or make you watch endless hours of NASCAR,” said Polly Hardd-Kandy, a former beauty queen, Governor and current executive director of the Violence or Inner Peace Society, a radical organization committed to explaining the difference between the real and imagined.  “Some people may be able to ‘hope and change’ their way out of an America-hating-church into the Oval Office, but I like to stick with common sense when I grapple with the real world.  I don’t let guys have control over whether I get pregnant or not, and I sure has heck wouldn’t let Iran define peace and holocaust by getting a nuclear weapon.  And as far as the junior senator from Chicago goes, he’s got great spin but if people elect him based on that over a war hero with a real track record; well, then they get what they deserve.  Probably screwed and nuked.  But that’s just me.”

The Times Online reported that Professor Derek Abbott and his team from the University of Adelaide in South Australia have invented the first remote-controlled key fob that allows men to control a valve that can switch their sperm flow on and off as required. The size of half a rice grain, the “fertility control micro-valve” is injected by a doctor into the vas deferens, the duct that carries sperm from the testes, a process that needs only a local anesthetic. The valve can then open and close to control sperm flow out of the body. “Vasectomy entails surgery, pain and it might not be reversible. Our micro-valve provides an alternative,” says Abbott. Demand for the new valve has been unprecedented. “I’ve been inundated with inquiries from men from all over the world,” he says. The device will now need five years of animal trials before it can be used in human beings.

The National reported that Iran’s president will outline the “peaceful” nature of his country’s nuclear activities and project his ideas for global peace, justice and unity when he addresses the UN at an upcoming General Assembly. Saturday, at a military parade to commemorate the start of Iran’s eight-year war with Iraq, Mr. Ahmadinejad warned Israel and the United States, without naming them, that Iran’s armed forces would “break the hand before he pulls the trigger” of any aggressor that targeted his country’s nuclear facilities. On proud display were long-range missiles that can reach Israel and a military truck with a banner that proclaimed, in both English and Farsi: “Israel should be eliminated from the universe”. Some people say that all power is illusory and that nature and chance is ultimately in control.

“Flip whatever switches you want and hope for the best if you feel like it, but don’t think that you’ll get what you want every time you want it,” said Rodney Dangerfield, a professor of unintended consequences and hapless events, often disrespected because he doesn’t always say things people want to hear.  “I’ve changed TV channels and ended up with stupid programming just the same; I’ve kept my car safely in the garage just to have somebody else’s garage door opener open my garage and now my lawn mower is gone.  I got one of those sperm key fobs and got it confused with my Oldsmobile’s and messed my pants trying to drive to the Safeway for toothpaste.  Don’t tell me about how great technology is.  I’d be alive today if the damn stuff worked better.  I tell ya, I don’t get no respect dead or alive.”

In other news, Canwest News Service reported last Thursday that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad put Barack Obama on the spot by taking him up on his offer to chat about global issues.  Obama said early in his campaign that, as president, he would be prepared to meet the leaders of U.S. foes such as Iran and Syria. A spokesman for Obama’s campaign did not return a call for comment on whether the democratic presidential candidate would be willing to meet with the Iranian leader. Someone claiming to represent the Republican McCain-Palin campaign said that Sarah Palin was willing to meet with the Iranian leader.  The only prerequisite she asked for was that it be over his dead body.  No word on whether Ahmadinejad will hand her the clicker.

© 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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