Scientists discover massive methane ‘time bomb’ in Arctic
Designer vagina trend ‘worrying’ to urogynaecologists
September 25, 2008
The UK Daily Mail reported Tuesday scientists are warning that global warming could rapidly accelerate as millions of tons of methane escape from beneath the Arctic seabed. And BBC News reported Tuesday that a leading urogynaecologist is speaking out against the growing trend of cosmetic vaginal surgery. Pundits are debating whether man or nature is the cause of global warming and if surgically reshaping women’s vaginas have anything to do with it.
“Humankind is entirely responsible for global warming because we discovered fire, drive cars, and have reshaped the female vagina in such a way that the very thought of it creates the expenditure of additional heat calories by men into earth’s atmosphere,” said Julius Forthright-Sortof, a nuclear physicist by training and strip club owner by profession. “And prehistoric man’s gas is concentrated under the Arctic. They were eating soybeans and farting a lot in their caves, and since all caves are interconnected prehistoric man’s farts are trapped under Arctic ice. I know this because it came to me in a dream one night. And I know that artificial vaginas are also responsible because my club generates more heat in one night than I could in a nuclear lab back in college. It is what it is.”
Not everyone thinks Forthright-Sortof has his facts straight. “Humankind is a blip on the radar of the history of the universe, and the idea that somehow we’re even capable of causing a significant change on the planet or that we’re the cause of global warming is laughable. We think everything is always about us. Well we’re not shit in the scheme of things,” said Missy Mae Allen Life-Form, an environmentalist who discovered common sense by accident in the late ’90’s. “Humans may be causing female anatomical change by screwing around unnecessarily with some women’s vaginas, but our impact on the universe is like an ant scratching the ass of an elephant. I’d say that compared to the vastness of the known planetary systems and the power of time and space across the millennia, that we’re not even an afterthought in the back of the Universe mind. If it’s got a mind. Of course I wonder the same thing about half the guys I meet.”
The Daily Mail reported that researchers found massive stores of sub-sea methane in several areas across thousands of square miles of the Siberian continental shelf and observed the gas bubbling up from the sea floor through ‘chimneys’, according to newspaper reports. Scientists warned that global warming could rapidly accelerate as millions of tons of the methane escapes from beneath the Arctic seabed. The researchers believe the escaping sub-sea methane is connected to rises in temperatures in the Arctic region. The average temperature of the region has risen by 4C over recent decades, leading to a major decline in the area of the Arctic Ocean covered by summer sea ice. Inebriated reports say the scientists have yet to find a way to blame the methane on humans and the United States in particular, but they’re working on it.
BBC News reported that Professor Linda Cardozo, of King’s College Hospital, London, has spoken out against the growing popularity of cosmetic vaginal surgery. These include operations to make the external appearance more “attractive” and reshaping the vagina to counter laxity after childbirth, for example. She said there is little evidence that “vaginal rejuvenation” – the surgical repair of vaginal laxity, with a price tag of about £3,000 – improved symptoms and was any better than doing simple pelvic floor muscle exercises. “Women are paying large sums of money for this type of surgery which may improve the appearance of their genitalia but there is no evidence that it improves function,” Cardozo said. Some pundits say that perception is always reality.
“If I think my stuff looks nicer because I invested a bunch of cash in surgery to remake it, so I know it’s better,” said Stacy Racy-Corvette, a pioneer in anti-organic chemistry and conceptual existence, who believes that humankind is natures one real mistake and it’s up to us to fend for ourselves. “I’ve rebuilt most of my anatomy from the chest down; I work out and dye my hair. I’ve never felt or looked better. I get a little bloated and have gas from time to time, but I fart into a cave near my house so it doesn’t bother anybody. I’m not sure where it goes, but I’m sure it’s no big deal.”
In other news, Reuters reported Tuesday that chef, food stylist and writer Jennifer McLagan challenges medical studies that have linked diet to heart disease in her new cookbook, “Fat: An Appreciation of a Misunderstood Ingredient, With Recipes.” McLagan insists animal fats are not only essential to cooking delicious food, but — in moderation — are more easily digested than the alternatives and have other health benefits, like boosting the immune system and lowering bad cholesterol. No word on how much less gas people have when eating natural fats, but chances are scientists will soon discover that most of the earths problems are ultimately related to the consumption of soy based margarine.
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