Daily Archives: September 26, 2008

Ben and Jerry’s “Breast Milk Ice Cream” and Cows That Milk Themselves

PETA tells Ben and Jerry to use human breast milk for ice cream instead of cows
Cutting edge technology in New Zealand allows cows to milk themselves

Inebriated Press
September 26, 2008

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) issued a news release Tuesday containing a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, cofounders of ice cream icon Ben & Jerry’s Homemade Inc., asking them to use human breast milk in their products instead of cows’ milk. And News 3 New Zealand posted an article Wednesday explaining how cutting-edge robotic technology is allowing cows the freedom to be milked whenever they choose.  Debate over whose milk should be in ice cream and whether robots or humans should be doing the milking, has got mammary aficionados’ in a thither.

“My five kids all enjoyed my Irish-Catholic breast milk during their formative years, and I think they’re all the healthier for it; so woman’s breast-milk-based ice cream makes a lot of sense.  You really can’t get a more natural product, or one more compatible with the human digestive system,” said Margaret Mead-Plenty, a social anthropologist and hair care specialist, whose milk production years are just barely behind her.  “I could see myself being part of a human dairy farm where we’re paid to produce milk for cheese, ice cream or just plain drinking.  I’m not sure about the robotic milking machines though, I’m a little unsure about sticking my boobs into a mechanical device.”

Not everyone is comfortable with the idea of women’s milk in the cones at Dairy Queen.  “Maybe it’s just me, but I’m used to the idea of getting dairy products from black and white Holsteins and I love cottage cheese and ice cream, but the idea of eating a Dilly Bar or Peanut Buster Parfait based on Margaret’s breast milk, kind of creeps me out,” said Susie Sisterson, a youthful chemist, whose unsuckled breasts are still in the running for about anything.  “I like the idea of the cows in New Zealand deciding when they want to get milked and triggering a robot to do the job whenever they feel like it.  It’s got to give the cows lots of flexibility with the heavy milkers showing up more often because their mammaries are full and they’re getting uncomfortable, while the lighter milkers can go longer in between.  It’s the kind of freedom that females deserve … be that human or animal.”

The PETA news release said they sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, cofounders of Ben & Jerry’s Homemade Inc., urging them to replace the cow’s milk in their products with human breast milk. PETA’s request came in the wake of news reports that a Swiss restaurant owner will begin purchasing breast milk from nursing mothers and substituting breast milk for 75 percent of the cow’s milk in the food he serves. PETA pointed out to Cohen and Greenfield that such a move on their part would lessen the suffering of dairy cows and their babies on factory farms and benefit human health at the same time.

Channel 3 News New Zealand reported that at a time when the dairy industry is booming and workers are in short supply, cutting edge technology is lending a helping hand. The country’s first robotic dairy farm is now up and running, complete with milking robots that allow the cows to choose their own milking time. Each animal has its own computerized collar giving it access to the milking shed, and monitoring its milk outflow and health. “It sends that information to the computer every time she comes into the robot to milk, and we use that data to keep track of cow health and eating patterns,” says farm manager Paul Berdell. Some pundits say that the combination of the New Zealand robotic dairy and PETA’s human breast milk idea will revolutionize human nutrition and create a new income source for single moms.

“This is truly an outstanding example of creative entrepreneurial thinking, the combination of robot milkers and single Mom’s with young kids who are outgrowing woman’s milk,” said Bill Clinton, speaking at his Global Initiative Conference, and ogling Hooters gals as potential milk production program participants. “We could convert old telephone booths into robot milkers and young mom’s could stop in, get milked in them, have it dispense some cash based on the volume of milk collected, and Baskin-Robbins could process their breast milk into Love Potion #31. Occasionally I could stop in to make sure that the milking machines aren’t pressing their breasts too hard, and just be encouraging.  I’m crazy about the idea.  It’ll give the women some cash on the side and make great nutritional food products.  It gives new meaning to the ‘Got Milk’ promotion.  Damn straight.”

In other news, former president Bill Clinton in an interview with FOX News’ Greta Van Susteren that aired Tuesday night, said he found Todd Palin an “interesting guy,” particularly for his fame in Alaska as a snowmobile racer. Clinton added that the Palin’s “obviously love each other.” Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, is John McCain’s running mate on the Republican presidential ticket. Her husband Todd sometimes is known as the “first dude” back in their home state. Reportedly Clinton was a little put off because Sarah hasn’t been returning his phone calls and figured she must still love Todd.  No word on whether he was calling her for a date, or since she just gave birth to her fifth child this past April, if he wants to sign her up for a new Clinton Global Breast Milk Ice Cream Initiative. Food marketing experts say the “Sarah Palin Cream Cone” would be as hot a seller as she is good looking, and healthy to boot. Wowsers.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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