Daily Archives: September 29, 2008

Surprise! Penis Amputation and South America’s Russian Nukes

Man sues doctors for chopping off his penis without consent
Russia offers nuclear technology to Venezuela’s anti-US leader Hugo Chavez

Inebriated Press
September 29, 2008

WLKY Kentucky reported last week that Philip Seaton, 61, is suing doctors after he consented to have a circumcision but woke up to find his penis had been amputated. And AFP reported last week that Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin told Venezuela’s anti-US leader Hugo Chavez, that he was ready to cooperate with them on nuclear energy. Earlier this month Russia sent two long-range bombers to Venezuela for exercises and dispatched a flotilla of warships from the Arctic base of Severomorsk to Venezuela, near US waters. Pundits are debating how people should react when they receive surprising news that their anatomy or hemispheric security is threatened, or has even been chopped off.

“There’s no point getting excited over Russia putting nukes in our hemisphere or some doctor cutting off your dick unexpectedly.  Over-reaction just results in recrimination and hostility, when all we need to do is sit back and let stuff happen and go along with the flow,” said someone claiming to be Senate majority leader Harry Reid, a man often accused of having no balls, unless he’s battling for higher taxes or trying to sneak some personal-pork into a multi-billion dollar bail-out designed to save the world economy.  “So what if Russia wants to re-establish the old Soviet empire by taking parts of their neighboring countries like Georgia, or putting nuclear missiles in South America.  It’s no big deal.  Germany took Poland and Austria a few years back and that all worked out okay somehow.  People need to take vice presidential candidate Joe Biden’s advice, and stand up and say encouraging things like Roosevelt did on television in 1929. And let’s get off this anti-Iranian nuke talk. Like presidential candidate Barack Obama said, they’re just a small country.”

Not everyone is buying what Reid is selling.  “That dick-less reprobate doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” said Gentle Ben, a black bear not known for hyperbole or talking to humans.  “I’ve lived in the wild and have hung-out with Grizzly Adams, and I know you can’t treat people who cut off your sex organs or put weapons designed to attack you in your backyard, as though they are nothing. This is survival of the fittest buddy, and if you behave stupidly then you’re not fit, and will get your ass kicked and have masculine parts removed without your consent.  Don’t tell me this stuff is okay.  It’s not okay and never has been.  You put a fast stop to anything designed to neuter your importance as a man or a country.  And you do it now.”

WLKY reported that a Shelby County, Kentucky, man and his wife said two doctors amputated the man’s penis without his consent, and have filed a lawsuit. According to the lawsuit, Philip Seaton, 61, went to have a circumcision last October as part of treatment for a medical condition. Seaton said when he woke up from the procedure; he realized his penis had been amputated. Seaton has suffered mental anguish, pain, and has lost the enjoyment of life, according to the lawsuit. The lawsuit states that Dr. John Patterson, who performed the procedure, received consent to perform a circumcision and only a circumcision, and that Seaton, did not consent to his penis being removed. Kevin George, the plaintiff’s attorney, said Patterson amputated the organ after finding cancer, but he only had consent to remove the foreskin. The Seaton’s are seeking punitive damages.

AFP reported that Russia may launch nuclear energy cooperation with Venezuela, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin said Thursday during talks with the country’s fiercely anti-US leader Hugo Chavez. “We are ready to consider a possibility of cooperation in using nuclear energy,” Putin said. “I am ready to discuss our cooperation in military and technical sphere, Latin America has become an important chain-link in creating a multipolar world, and we will pay more attention to this vector.”

The AFP article said that in deployments not seen since the Cold War, Russia this month sent two long-range bombers to Venezuela for exercises and has dispatched a flotilla of warships from the Arctic base of Severomorsk to Venezuela, near US waters. In the latest sign of closer ties, a Kremlin source said Thursday that Russia had granted Venezuela the one-billion-dollar (682-million-euro) loan to buy Russian arms. Venezuela has already bought fighter jets, tanks and assault rifles, and the Kommersant daily reported two weeks ago that it was planning to purchase anti-aircraft systems, armored personnel carriers and more combat aircraft. Some people say men who lack sexual potency often try to make up for it by acquiring other types of explosive devises.

“It’s a common psychological compensation thing that is often found manifested in men in their fifties — like Chavez, Putin and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad all are,” said Sigmund Freud, a notorious gambler and secret agent who is best known for something else. “When a man can’t get it up like he used to, or starts thinking maybe he isn’t the masculine personality he once was, he may buy a hot rod, or some nuclear missiles, or even take a trophy wife or a small country. It’s usually best to let it play out until it’s out of their system, unless of course it hurts other folks more than they can handle — like the Holocaust or something — then you really should perform some kind of intervention.  You know, like cutting off their dick or blowing them up altogether.  Some of these things require pretty radical treatment to cure.”

In other news, Germany’s THE LOCAL reported that an Aachen man who failed to reach orgasm during his €30 ($44) session with a prostitute has accused her of unfairly taking his money, according to a police report on Wednesday. The john and the prostitute agreed on the fee for the 20-minute service in an Aachen alley, but failed to pick a specific goal for their undertaking, the police report said. When the man did not have an orgasm, he accused the woman of having a faulty “egg timer” that went off before he could. He then demanded his money back. When the prostitute refused to cough up the cash, he called the police. However, the officers were unable to mediate the situation successfully, and the man filed charges against the woman. No word on whether the man now has plans to buy some nukes or just take over a small country.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Surprise! Penis Amputation and South America’s Russian Nukes

Filed under Humor, IP News