Big Brother Tax Assessors and Faith-Based Massage

High-tech aerial photo system for tax assessors watches your house
Massage firm steps up faith-based defense

Inebriated Press
October 1, 2008

The Press of Atlantic City reported Monday that Pictometry International Corp. is selling tax assessors a new way to grow revenue by using their high-tech aerial photography system that can spot an illegal porch from 5,000 feet in the sky. And the Arizona Daily Star reported Sunday that State attorneys say John LaVoie should be forever barred from the massage business because he ran a house of prostitution camouflaged as a church. Debate over the use of spies in tracking illegal porches and massage sex is busting out like Barack Obama’s ego at a Hollywood fundraiser.

“I may have only voted ‘present’ during the majority of my time in the Illinois State Senate and U.S. Senate, but I’d like to suggest that my votes were sublime in their effect and uplifting by their very nature,” said someone who looked a lot like US presidential candidate and junior senator Barack Obama, as he sat polishing his toenails and contemplating lost ACORN funding recently rooted out of the Wall Street bailout bill.  “My actions do not lessen the need for IRS and tax assessor spies that are drastically required to track and collect the new taxes necessary to fund my Tax Proposal, S.2433, which will take American money and give it to the UN to redistribute. I love this country and want to change it as fast as possible.  I’m in favor of massage sex for those who want it and against it for those who don’t.  In both cases, I intend to tax the parties appropriately and give their money to someone backing my campaign.  No one will ever say that I don’t support my constituents.  I am what I am and that’s good.  My voting record proves it somehow.”

Not everyone has a clue what Barack Obama is talking about.  “I understand tax assessors trying to spy on me so they get can hike my property taxes if they catch me building stuff onto my house without a permit, and I understand why some people take offense to a massage parlor that claims to be a church.  But I don’t understand how anyone can believe Barack Obama loves this country when his primary goal is to change it,” said Stacy Ann-Browne, a former food safety scientist at a US lab currently being shut down after the federal government decided to stop testing our food for pesticides in order to save money.  “How can a man who disses the Pledge of Allegiance and won’t wear a US flag lapel pin until pressured, and has a wife who wasn’t proud of the country until he started leading in the polls, actually love America.  It doesn’t add up.  I’m starting to think that maybe the twenty years he spent in the America-hating church led by Jeremiah Wright may have rubbed off on him.  And maybe Bill Ayers, the Pentagon bomber, in whose home he launched his first political campaign, also had some influence on his behavior.  As nice as Obama’s words sound today, I still think maybe actions do speak louder than words.”

The Press of Atlantic City reported that a new high-tech aerial photography system that can spot an illegal porch from 5,000 feet is being marketed to tax assessors as a way to grow revenue. Pictometry International Corp. says it offers tax assessors 12 different views of every square foot of building or land in a jurisdiction that buys their system. They call it “sophisticated visual intelligence.” At stake is an untold amount of tax revenue. Cape May County appears to be ground zero on the issue as it was one of the first in the nation to buy into the system, purchasing its first pictures in 2003.

The Press article said State Sen. Jeff Van Drew doesn’t like it. “It’s Big Brother,” said Van Drew, D-Cape May, Cumberland, Atlantic. “We’re not supposed to be spying on people. When it gets to the point where we’re doing aerial spying on people’s lives, I’ve had enough,” Van Drew said. While Van Drew ponders writing a law to limit the uses of Pictometry, Cape May County Tax Administrator George R. Brown III is already using it to adjust assessments on farms. He doesn’t consider it a Big Brother tactic. He calls it “a great assessment tool,” one of many to make sure people pay their fair share of taxes.

The Arizona Daily Star reported that State attorneys want John LaVoie barred from the massage business because he ran a house of prostitution camouflaged as a church. In his latest court argument, the Tucson man says he hired women at Angel’s Heaven Relaxation Spa — near University Medical Center — not to sell sex but to comfort the afflicted through the religious act of “laying on of hands.” A jury found against LaVoie July 30 on all 22 counts he faced of racketeering, money-laundering and other offenses related to prostitution in a civil forfeiture — a proceeding that lets the government confiscate assets if it can show they were obtained through a criminal enterprise.

The Star article said a proposed final court order drafted by the Arizona Attorney General’s Office for a judge’s signature would have LaVoie forfeit nearly $2 million worth of real estate and cash, and permanently bar him from engaging in any business involving massage “or other physical touching of male customers by female employees or contractors.” Some pundits argue that as long as you pay your taxes you can do anything you want.

“The whole massage sex thing is really just a tax related issue, like building a porch on your house without telling the assessor, and if LaVoie had paid his taxes instead of trying to avoid them by pretending he was running a non-profit church, he’d have been fine,” said Al Capone, a tax expert and Chicago political contact who backs Barack Obama for President.  “I learned the hard way that not paying taxes can cost you.  It’s never been a problem of selling sex, illegal booze or killing folks you don’t like.  It’s all about taxation.  Give the government their cut one way or another, and you’ll be fine.  Damn I wish I was still alive.  I like this kid the Chicago boys put up for president.  Who’d have guessed we could pull this off.  Makes all that Kennedy business almost seem worth it.”

In other news, Newsweek reported Monday that blondes are more rare in most cultures, and get more sexual attention, partially because they stand out. Apparently there are fleets of researchers out there investigating things we didn’t even know we wanted to know about mating and dating. Like whether men are aroused by the smell of pumpkin pie and lavender. No word on what characteristics get tax assessors off, but the guess around here is it’s more about money than the color of your hair.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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