Face, breast and belly lifts fall on weak U.S. economy
Defective computer components from China are in U.S. warplanes
October 7, 2008
MSNBC reported last week that the U.S. economy isn’t the only thing that’s sagging — the weak economy has cosmetic surgery patients opting against expensive nips and tucks, leaving faces, breasts and bellies drooping too. And Business Week reported last week that the American military faces a growing threat of potentially fatal equipment failure—and even foreign espionage—because of counterfeit Chinese computer components used in U.S. warplanes, ships, and communication networks. Pundits are debating the current downward trends in bombs, boobs and the quality of American presidential candidates.
“It’s all about picking the lesser of two evils,” said Heather Leather-Maidrite, a buxom hard-line hard-core political analyst, whose perky breasts and edgy opinions are legendary throughout the tri-state area. “Neither McCain or Obama are up to the challenge of managing us out of the current economic albatross, and when looking at the entire package of president and vice presidential candidates, only Sarah Palin has ever balanced a budget or even been responsible for one. I think it’s too risky for America to depend on Chinese computer equipment to run our military, and too risky to spend big bucks on perking up your boobs in this economy. And anyone who thinks it’s not risky to elect a one-term junior Senator believing he can run this country, is out of their mind. And I can hardly comment on Biden. Here’s a guy who thinks President Roosevelt was on TV during President Hoover’s term when we only had radio. Biden is lucky to find his shoes in the morning. I’d sooner invest in Chinese breast implants than vote Obama-Biden. I wish we had a Palin-McCain ticket, but I guess I’ll have to choose the McCain-Palin one we’ve got. It’s weak but still the least risky.”
Not everyone agrees with Leather-Maidrite. “Life is a crap shoot and you’ve got to be out their taking risks if you want to get ahead,” said some moron who hasn’t looked at his 401k in the past 30 days. “If China will sell us dirt cheap components for our jet fighters, we should buy them. If you want a face lift, tummy tuck or some kind of boob rebuilding job, borrow the money and get it done, they can’t take it from you once it’s yours. That’s how I got my house during the great bailout of 2008. And I believe in voting for the riskiest candidate in every political contest because if you hit it right, you win big. It hasn’t happened to me yet, but by golly I’ll hit it one of these days. I’ve had risky sex for years and it’s been great. Sure I buy a lot of medication nowadays, but what the hey, you haven’t been in the game if you don’t have a few scars and sores that ooze to show for it.”
MSNBC reported that faces, breasts and bellies are sagging along with the economy as would-be cosmetic surgery patients increasingly opt against costly nips and tucks because of tough financial times. Anecdotal reports and a recent unscientific survey from an industry trade group suggest many cosmetic surgeons have been seeing a drop-off in costly operations, some by as much as 30 percent or more. Of about 700 doctors who responded to an April-May questionnaire, 53 percent said business is down, some by as much as 30 percent. “With this latest fiasco, many are probably down closer to 40 percent,” said Dr. Patrick McMenamin, president-elect of the American Academy of Cosmetic Surgery, and a Sacramento, Calif., cosmetic surgeon who specializes in faces, breasts and liposuction.
Business Week reported that the American military is facing a growing threat of fatal equipment failure and foreign espionage, because of counterfeit Chinese computer components used in American warplanes, ships, and communication networks. Fake microchips are flowing from China through dubious brokers into the U.S. and then into complex weapons. Senior Pentagon officials publicly play down the danger, but government documents, as well as interviews with insiders, suggest possible connections between phony parts and breakdowns. The U.S. Justice Dept. is currently prosecuting the operators of an electronics distributor in Texas—and last year obtained guilty pleas from the proprietors of a company in Washington State—for allegedly selling the military dozens of falsely labeled routers, devices that direct data through digital networks. The routers were marked as having been made by the San Jose technology giant Cisco Systems (CSCO), but were fakes from China.
Referring to the seizure of more than 400 fake routers so far, Melissa E. Hathaway, head of cyber security in the Office of the Director of National Intelligence, says: “Counterfeit products have been linked to the crash of mission-critical networks, and may also contain hidden ‘back doors’ enabling network security to be bypassed and sensitive data accessed [by hackers, thieves, and spies].” She declines to elaborate. In a 50-page presentation for industry audiences, the FBI concurs that the routers could allow Chinese operatives to “gain access to otherwise secure systems”. Some people say that the quicker America surrenders to the Chinese the better protected we’ll be from Islamofascism.
“The U.S. is already depending on China for most manufactured goods, and China and Middle Eastern oil countries carry the majority of U.S. debt, so the faster the Federal government turns over control of the entire country to Chinese officials, the quicker things will work out well for the U.S. in the Middle East,” said Wi Hav-Yorass, a Chinese national living in the U.S., who takes turns teaching at American colleges where he explains the benefits of Chinese communism on the days when Muslim apologists have off. “California needs $7 billion to prop up its budget and that’ll just get worse on a state by state basis. If you wanted to start by just selling California to China I’m sure they’d make a good deal. I imagine there are a lot more California breasts sagging this year than last, but China will still probably buy the state. I wouldn’t wait though. A lot of European countries with saggy breasts and economies will probably be on the block in the next week or two.”
In other news, BBC reported last week that a Muslim cleric in Saudi Arabia has called on women to wear a full veil, or niqab, that reveals only one eye. Sheikh Muhammad al-Habadan said showing both eyes encouraged women to use eye make-up to look seductive. No word on how he feels about tummy tucks or boob jobs, but chances are he likes the idea of having defective Chinese computer chips in American war machinery.
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