Illicit Urban Chickens and Monkey Waiters

U.S. city-dwellers illegally raise chickens for eating
Monkey works as waiter serving customers in restaurant

Inebriated Press
October 9, 2008

The Christian Science Monitor reported yesterday that there is an underground ‘urban chicken’ movement in America, as a growing number of U.S. city-dwellers raise their own chickens, often in defiance of local ordinances.  And the Belfast Telegraph reported Monday, that a Japanese restaurant is gaining notoriety world-wide, after posting a video clip on the Internet, showing a monkey waiting on customers.  Debate rattles around the globe as pundits ponder the health risks and benefits of animals’ serving you food and novices growing chickens for lunch in their back yard.

Illicit Urban Chicken

Illicit Urban Chicken

“Monkey’s in the jungle or in space, and turnips in the garden or the freezer, I can get my brain around those; but livestock serving meals in restaurants and roaming my lawn waiting for me to cook them, I’m struggling with that one,” said Zeb Longg, a short metrosexual city-dweller, who polishes cuticles for a living if you can call it that.  “It’s not sanitary to have jungle creatures serving drinks and food to people, and it’s not sanitary having fowl roaming your backyard crapping all over while you walk in it, and then axe them and have blood spraying around while you chop them up for your dinner date.  I’m grossed out thinking about it, and I don’t get grossed out easily after the Great Thumbnail Infection of ’06.”

Not everyone agrees with Longg.  “People have raised their own food for thousands of years and have used domesticated animals to help them with tasks and make life more enjoyable, like oxen plowing fields, horses pulling buggies and Bill Maher telling silly tales he thinks are true,” said Marcia Mae-Flye, a nimble minx with expertise in rotator cuff surgery and a penchant for the mundane.  “Everyone should be free to raise chickens, pigs, zombies, whatever, for food in their backyard.  And if you can train a monkey or your accountant to do things that are helpful to you, you should.  It’s silly to think that somehow we can no longer train ignorant beasts to help out.”

Bill Maher and recent purchase

Bill Maher and recent purchase

The Christian Science Monitor reported that the Worldwatch Institute says a growing number of city-dwellers in the U.S are raising their own chickens, in defiance of local ordinances. Citing unsanctioned henhouses in Denver, Boston, and other cities, Worldwatch’s Ben Block notes that an “underground ‘urban chicken’ movement has swept across the United States in recent years,” flouting authorities’ concerns about noise, odors, and public health. But in some cities, such as Ann Arbor, Mich., Ft. Collins, Colo., South Portland, Maine, and Madison, Wisc., owners of these clandestine coops have successfully changed the laws to allow them to keep a limited number of hens. Many large US cities, including New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Houston, Chicago, and Seattle apparently never thought to ban the domesticated fowl within city limits. These cities have served as an incubator of sorts for the emerging movement, in which urban henkeepers post online tips on building coops, caring for the birds, and fending off raccoons and other predators. The rising popularity of urban chickens has many city officials brooding over public health concerns, particularly avian flu (of which there have been no reported cases in the United States).

One man’s monkey is another man’s waiter.

One man’s monkey is another man’s waiter.

The Belfast Telegraph reported that a Japanese restaurant is gaining international notoriety after a clip of a macaque monkey serving drinks to its customers was posted on the internet. Kaoru Otsuka, who owns the restaurant in Utsunomiya, Japan, said he did not teach the sake-serving monkey its waiting skills. Mr Otsuka claims Yatchan watched him serving customers and remembered how to do it. “Lots of customers come to look at the monkey. He works everyday,” said Mr Otsuka. The simian, called Yatchan, is also used to serve hot towels to the grateful customers who give him soya beans as tips. Mr Otsuka said the monkey also likes fruit, but was not fond of the sushi that the restaurant specializes in. Some people say it’s easier to train an animal than an actress or Congressional Democrat.

“Within a couple of weeks I had my new dog Sparky fetching the newspaper and my slippers but no matter how many explanations people gave Jamie Lynn Spears about how to avoid pregnancy, nothing worked; the same is true of Democrats who keep voting for tax increases and then blame everybody else when the economy slows down,” said Bertha Rae-Trout, a professional stripper and weight lifter, who often does both at the same time while baking fish on the side.  “I may not be able to lift 700 pounds anymore and my left breast sags a bit more than the right, but I’m telling you it’s easier to train a monkey than a horny girl or a Democrat majority staring at a new tax bill.  Damn straight.”

The unteachable Jamie Lynn

The unteachable Jamie Lynn

In other news, the Los Angeles Times reported yesterday that Jamie Lynn Spears, 16, who gave birth to a daughter in July, is eight weeks pregnant with her second child. According to unidentified sources, Jamie Lynn didn’t know a woman can get pregnant while breast-feeding.  No word on whether she’s got chickens in the backyard or monkey’s serving her drinks, but if the report is right, she’s got a bun in the oven and cobwebs for brains. Additional reports say that if she keeps this up, her mom is dumping her in Nebraska where a new law allows parents to abandon teens.  And you thought a monkey waitress was strange.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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