Human Evolution Ends and Pam Anderson Strips

Leading geneticist says human evolution is over
Pammi strips naked for Hugh Hefner’s birthday

Inebriated Press
October 13, 2008

The Times Online reported last week that geneticist Steve Jones says human evolution has ground to a halt because of a shortage of older fathers needed to provide the key elements of natural selection, mutation and random change.  And The Sun reported last week that former Playboy bunny Pamela Anderson gave Hugh Hefner a birthday surprise by stripping naked and serving him cake. Debate over the evolution of humankind and Pam Anderson is swelling up like stuff that does that sometimes.

Pam, Heff and Birthday Cake

Pam, Heff and Birthday Cake

“Evolution as we know it is over and it’s up to us to change ourselves into the advanced beings we want to become, in the way we want to become them,” said Chris Stone-Pillow, a hard working welder, transvestite and part-time politician, known for being all things to all people most of the time.  “Silicone, surgery and a good attitude plus national healthcare is all a guy like me really needs to be the girl I really am.  Nature on its own can’t get me to the vision I have of myself.  Flexibility and technology baby.  It’s working for Barack the politician and it works for me.  We’re both ‘all-the-above’ in our own way. God is dead, evolution is dead, we are our own gods, and we define what’s real and what’s not.  Would you hand me that tube of lipstick and that acetylene torch please?  I got change I believe in go’ in on.”

Not everyone is climbing aboard the Stone-Pillow train.  “God made me and most of Pam Anderson, at least the important parts that really count, and with or without slight deviations that some call evolution, human’s are basically what they’ve been throughout history,” said Clara Social-Bypass, a staunch believer in design-based outcome, who frequently argues against her local school board over their use of a random multiplication table with answers that change weekly based on opinion tracking polls.  “Humankind may have changed somewhat because of better nutrition and an occasional deviant gene caused by radiation, viral infection or dirty socks, but wholesale monkey-to-man change only happens in dreams or B-movies.  I refuse to sign on to the ‘I was slime and now I’m Thomas’ thing.  If anything we’ve got entropy going-on with humankind slipping backwards into deviant behavior and animal-like immorality, with everybody screwing everybody if they can get away with it.  And yes, I mean sexually and economically.  It’s all sick and displays humankind becoming slime, not the other way around.”

Times Online reported that human evolution is grinding to a halt because of a shortage of older fathers in Western civilization, according to a leading genetics expert. Fathers over the age of 35 are more likely to pass on mutations, according to Professor Steve Jones, of University College London (UCL), and with fewer fathers over that age, there are fewer mutations and evolution is circumvented.  “For a 29-year old father [the mean age of reproduction in the West] there are around 300 divisions between the sperm that made him and the one he passes on – each one with an opportunity to make mistakes. For a 50-year-old father, the figure is well over a thousand. A drop in the number of older fathers will thus have a major effect on the rate of mutation.”  Jones made the statements at a UCL lecture entitled “Human evolution is over” last Tuesday.

Heff contemplates evolution and intelligent design

Heff contemplates evolution and intelligent design

The Sun reported that former Playboy Playmate Pam Anderson, gave Hugh Hefner a big birthday surprise by stripping naked and giving him a cake. The saucy celebrations – which took place in April – were filmed for the new series of US TV show The Girls Next Door which premiered October 5th. After appearing from behind a curtain, curvy Pam walked over the 82-year-old magazine mogul, gave him a lap dance and kissed him on the lips. Shocked Hugh then eyed the ex Baywatch star up and down before blowing out his candles. Staring at Pam’s boobs, Hef chuckled: “You’re looking good.” Some pundits say that looking good is all that really matters.

“Consciousness is over-rated.  You know, all that ‘I think therefore I am’ stuff and the idea that self awareness is evidence that there is a divine spark of life placed into us from outside the known physical universe, and that there’s some spiritual link between us and God, and that life didn’t come about accidentally.  That’s all so much bunk.  As long as I look cute and sexy, that’s true reality and power over time and space,” said Jamie Hooter-Madness, an anti-god clerk at the Hapless Squirrel Used Book Store and Kitten Rental. “I can create organization out of chaos myself down at the book store, and can create chaos out of organization at the Happy Parrot Strip Club.  I’ve evolved to where I can do whatever I want, and I’ve added to my power with silicone enhancements provided by science.  Don’t try to confuse me with mystical concepts.  You create your reality and I’ll create mine.  Just let me run my universe the way I see fit.  I am happy being who I am; why can’t you be happy being who you are?”

In other news, the Star-Tribune reported last week that there’s a bra bandit on the loose in southwest Florida. The Lee County Sheriff’s Office was searching for an individual they say stole 160 bras valued at nearly $6,000 from a Victoria Secret store, the latest in a string of bra burglaries in the area. Since February, authorities say 452 bras valued at nearly $19,000 have been stolen from two of the chain’s southwest Florida locations. No word on whether the thief has evolved so many breasts they need the bras for personal use, or if all that satin is allowing them to migrate into a new level of consciousness and bridge the gap across time and space and achieve oneness with the universe.  Either way they’ve got a whole lotta bras, so they’ve got that going for them.

(C) 2008

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