Woman Claims to Be Elvis Presley’s Half Sister, Says He’s Alive
Worries Abound after 30 Lesbians are Impregnated by the Same Man
October 14, 2008
Fox News reported last week that a woman claiming to be Elvis Presley’s half-sister says Elvis is alive, and she convinced a Memphis judge to reopen the estate of the late Vernon Presley, the King’s father. Fox News also reported last week that unregulated sperm donation is leading to unusual situations in which the children of lesbians are mixing socially — creating a risk of incest. Inebriated reporters leaping to conclusions after a night of heavy investigation and kegging, have discovered that it was Elvis Presley who knocked up the lesbians, and a band from his lesbian bred children have already been signed by the MGM Mirage in Las Vegas.
“You better believe we signed the currently in-gestation Elvis Band of Rock and Roll, we’re not foolish enough to let that gig slip through our fingers,” said Jimmy ‘Big Brain’ Malone, a self proclaimed spokesman for the MGM Mirage, as he stabbed pancakes and drank Maple syrup from a quart jar at the IHOP in North Vegas. “Yah gotta sign deez acts early if you wanna get terms that work, and gettum before da udder guys do. I’m gonna make a kill’n on deez kids in the future. Forgettaboutit.”
Not everyone thinks Big Brain knows what he’s doing or that he actually works for MGM. “You don’t take a flyer on kids and a band that’s currently being formed in the womb, there are too many variables that could make the deal not work out,” said Buggs Strongcase-Pheromone, a market analyst and part-time bingo caller at the Happy Hooligan Lounge and Mortuary. “MGM knows this and they’re not trafficking in lesbian based Presley kids thinking they can cash in. The premise is logical but the risk is too great. Professionals in the gambling business don’t take risks. That’s why they’ve got golden towers while most of their customers go home broke. But what they hey, everybody has a good time. Nothing wrong with that.”
Fox News reported that Eliza A. Presley, who recently changed her name from Alice Elizabeth Tiffin, says she has DNA evidence to prove she is Elvis Presley’s half-sister, and claims the music icon is indeed alive. Eliza also successfully convinced a Memphis probate judge to reopen the estate of the late Vernon Presley, the King’s father. Eliza points to an envelope licked and mailed to her earlier this year allegedly by “Jessie Presley,” an assumed name she says is used by Elvis. The envelope implies “the King did not die in 1977.” Eliza A. Presley’s mother denies she had an affair with Vernon Presley. The judge said his ruling was just to reopen the estate and did not confirm Eliza’s claims.
Fox News reported that one of South Australia’s foremost experts in reproductive technology – Andrew Dutney – said that in a reported case, about 30 lesbians were impregnated by sperm from one man. The mothers then organized picnics with all the children, raising the fear they might socialize with their half-siblings without realizing they were related. In another case, a man’s sperm was used to produce 29 children, most of whom were living in Adelaide. They did not know who their half-siblings are, raising concerns that in a “big country town” like Adelaide, they could accidentally commit incest. Some pundits argue that Elvis shouldn’t be helping lesbians have children because it goes against evolution and survival of the fittest philosophy.
“Lesbians can’t get pregnant without a male component and it’s against evolutionary principles that they borrow bits of Elvis and get knocked up, it’s not right,” said Stacy Midwife-Freeman, a nuclear physicist who believes that only atoms should be split and that everyone else should behave as nature intended. “I’ve always been a fan of Elvis music, but now that I know he’s been sneaking around banging lesbians I’ll have to turn on to Roy Orbison. I’d listen to the Beatles, but who knows who they’ve been screwing, they’re from the 60’s you know. It’s bad enough that Elvis, a good guy from the ’50’s, is up to all this. And to think I believed the Enquirer when they said he was living on Mars and that the NASA rover had spotted him. Guess I’ve got to read The Mirror from now on.”
In other news, Gawker.com reported last week that laid off workers are looking to get laid and it’s being termed “Recession Sex.” Reflecting the spate of hookups and reunited lovers post-9/11, the depressed economy is driving a rerun as 20-somethings head for Craigslist to shop for casual encounters. No word on how often Elvis trolls the Internet looking for lesbians, but apparently it’s a lot more frequent than we could have guessed.
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