U.S. Leadership Lacking While Dead Women Come to Life

Poll finds ‘Leadership Crisis’ in America
‘Dead’ Woman Discovered Breathing in Morgue

Inebriated Press
October 17, 2008

U.S. News & World Report published yesterday a survey indicating that 80% of Americans believe that the United States faces a “leadership crisis” today, up from 65% three years ago.  And Fox News reported last week that a Delaware woman declared dead of a heart attack at the Beebe Medical Center, was noticed breathing in the morgue and turned out to be very much alive.  Pundits are debating the type of leadership the country needs in a new era where women are rising from the dead.

“It takes a broader understanding of both the life sciences and global economics to lead in today’s world, where no-equity sub-prime loans are killing our economy, and dead women spontaneously come to life,” said Missy Mane-Artillery, a big-hearted big-chested hard-line Coca Cola Distributor, with a weakness for common sense and chocolate.  “You can’t run a business or a country with nice sounding words and platitudes gleaned from left wing pamphlets, Pentagon bombers, Marxist training or America-hating pastors.  At least you can’t run one well.  It takes experience and some hard knocks.  You don’t have to be a prisoner of war for five years or a Senator for twenty, but it sure helps.”

Not everyone agrees with Mane-Artillery.  “Experience is a hindrance in the new age of socialism and corruption, and that’s true whether the dead are rising for no apparent reason, or the largest and most important economy and military power in the world is facing never-before-seen crisis,” said Neville Chamberlain, a former British Prime Minister, who still thinks his meeting unconditionally with Adolph Hitler stopped the Nazi’s from invading Poland, and that World War II never happened.  “Knowledge and a solid track record of experience in foreign affairs and battling corruption just get in the way of naive efforts to solve problems by increasing taxes and spending, while cutting military development and placating mobsters and terrorists.  It’s old-school mundane American-conservative thinking that lead to this mess of having the biggest and most successful economy in the world and the most powerful, feared and respected military.  It’s about time that the United States accepted its fate and elected a socialist so it can become a second-rate has-been nation like the rest of us.  It’s been the best way too long.”

U.S. News & World Report published a recent story saying that 80 percent of Americans believe the United States faces a “leadership crisis” today, according to a new poll. Three years ago, that figure was 65 percent. The poll, undertaken jointly by the Center for Public Leadership at Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government and the Merriman River Group, asked 997 U.S. citizens about their faith in American leadership today, which of 13 leading sectors they trusted, and how they conceived of the president’s role.

According to the poll results, the traditional news media, usually near the bottom of popularity contests, ranked higher on the survey’s leadership index than business leaders, Congress, and, in particular, the executive branch, which finished dead last. Confidence in the executive branch plummeted for the third year in a row, with 60 percent of Americans saying it gave them “not much” or “no” confidence, up from 49 percent last year. Only 2 of 13 sectors—military and medical—won a moderate amount of American confidence. The military’s lead has lasted for four years in a row. Most Americans do see the election as an important watershed for the country.

Fox News reported that Judith Johnson went to the Beebe Medical Center in Lewes, Delaware, for what she thought was a bad case of indigestion. Johnson was actually having a heart attack when she arrived at the hospital. Less than 45 minutes after she arrived, she went into cardiac arrest. An hour after being admitted, the hospital told Johnson’s husband his wife was dead. When someone at the morgue noticed Johnson’s “corpse” was still breathing, Louis Johnson learned his wife was very much alive. Johnson now suffers from liver damage, chest pain, memory loss, speech problems, and a change in personality, seizures, and permanent neurological injury as a result of the care she received at Beebe Medical Center. The Johnsons are now suing the hospital and medical staff for compensatory and punitive damages. Some people argue that as long as you believe in hope and change, you don’t need experience or practical knowledge; and if things don’t work out, it’s because “shit happens.”

“Sure the surge worked in Iraq and other people voted to send the troops weapons and supplies over Barack Obama’s ‘no’ votes, that’s just shit happening and has nothing to do with real-world stuff,” said someone claiming to be vice presidential candidate Joe Biden, still smarting because an experienced conservative woman named Sarah Palin suddenly brought the Republican Party back from the dead.  “And I’ve voted for a lot of things that Barack voted against, like most other Democrats, but that doesn’t mean he’s wrong all the time. He’s lead a great campaign.  There’s no candidate in the history of America who could still lead in the polls after having attended a Mosque as a Muslim kid in Indonesia, attended an anti-American church in Chicago for twenty years, got funding and a house from a Syrian racketeer named Rezko and hung out with a guy who actually planted bombs in the Pentagon and last year even said he wished he’d have done more!  Barack hasn’t even finished his first term as US Senator and has never proposed and passed a single piece of major legislation and he’s beating an experienced and proven war hero!  This guy is a piece of work and destined to lead the most powerful country in the world.  Don’t think it’s just the Chicago machine politics, Middle Eastern money and leftist power brokers behind him.  He’s done some stuff himself too.  I can’t remember any, but he’s America’s guy.  A true leader for the new age.”

In other news, Associated Press reported Tuesday that a Pennsylvania soccer mom who packs a pistol is getting her concealed weapon permit back. Melanie Hain had lost the permit after other parents complained last month that she was carrying her loaded handgun in a holster at her daughter’s soccer game. Judge Robert Eby says even though the law required him to give her the permit back, he questioned whether Hain showed good judgment by ignoring other parents’ safety concerns. No word on whether Hain plans to run for president or encourage conditional talks with tyrants, but you can bet nobody screws around at the soccer games unless they think they can come back from the dead.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on U.S. Leadership Lacking While Dead Women Come to Life

Filed under Humor, IP News

Comments are closed.