Daily Archives: October 21, 2008

Woman Beheads Man, Man eats 20 Pound Burger

Woman uses sickle to remove attackers head
Man eats 20.2 pound burger in 4 hours, 39 minutes

Inebriated Press
October 21 2008

CNN reported last week that a woman in northern India defended herself by slicing the head off a man who was attacking her in a field, where she was cutting grass for her cattle with a sickle.  And Volunteer-TV reported that a Pennsylvania man became the first person to eat a mammoth burger weighing over twenty pounds.  Pundits debate the benefits of eating pieces of meat bigger than your head, and whether meat-heads who attack women deserve to lose theirs.

“It’s high time that men who physically assault a woman lose their heads within moments of the event — no time wasting trials, no year long appeals, no ‘maybe we can rehab them’ and all that crap,” said Sandy Bowie-Nife, a gorgeous brunette cattle-rancher, who thinks sickles are fine but six-shooters are better.  “You put a hand on me where I don’t want it; I’ll give you one chance to take it back.  You don’t react the way I want you to, and I remove your parts.  And they’ll be some of your favorites, trust me.”

Not everyone agrees with Bowie-Nife.  “No man should lose his head over a woman, no matter how sex crazed he may be, or whether he can eat a twenty pound burger.  And no person should be allowed to act as judge, jury and executioner when attacked by somebody; it isn’t constitutional,” said Slim Voluum, an unmarried and dateless guy, who values strict letter-of-the-law terms and ignores a laws intent in favor of its details.  “So what if a guy wants to sneak up on a woman and play around a little.  You can’t blame him for that.  It’s the only way I get human contact.  Nobody should have their head lopped off for a little grab.  If a guy does something really bad, let a jury of his peers decide.”

CNN reported that Police in India arrested a woman last week after receiving calls from frightened witnesses who reported that a blood-soaked woman holding a severed head was walking through the village, said police officer Ram Bharose. The woman, 35, told police she had gone to a nearby forest to cut grass for fodder for her cattle when a man attacked her from behind. “In a bid to save her dignity she beheaded him with a sickle,” Bharose said, adding that the woman had bite marks on her neck and cheek. The woman also told police that the man had been harassing and stalking her for three months and she had no regrets about killing him, he said, adding that she would probably be charged with culpable homicide.

Volunteer-TV reported that it took Brad Sciullo 4 hours and 39 minutes to finish a marathon. A meat marathon, that is. The 5-foot-11, 180-pound western Pennsylvania chef is the first person to eat a monstrosity called the Beer Barrel Belly Bruiser: a 15-pound burger with toppings and a bun that brought the total weight to 20.2 pounds. The mountain of beef is the product of Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub, about 100 miles northeast of Pittsburgh in Clearfield. Sciullo, 21, of Uniontown, said he was surprised he finished the sandwich Monday. “About three hours into it, things got tough,” he said. When asked what possessed him to eat a burger that big, Sciullo said: “I wanted to see if I could.”  Some people say that doing things because “you can” is what human freedom is all about.

“In a truly free society, you should be able to eat twenty pound burgers anytime and jump people of the opposite sex with impunity,” said Hugh Moron, a dolt who lifts weights for no reason, and loathes common sense believing it to be caused by a deviant gene.  “I know that there are some simpletons who think that personal responsibility and forms of restraint are laudable and should be encouraged, but no clear thinking Democrat buys that notion.  When Obama is president and Pelosi controls the House and Reid the Senate, we’ll show America what Bill Clinton just hinted at when he said he did what he did with interns ‘because he could’.  Damn straight baby.  When we’re in power there’ll be hell for Republicans to pay … and I suppose most of the Middle Class, but we won’t talk about that now.  You keep dreaming about the tax breaks Barack is promising.  Don’t worry, be happy.  And keep dream’n.”

In other news, the Christian Science Monitor reported last week that two gas pipeline bombings took place in British Columbia, Canada.  No serious damage was done, but some authorities fear that terrorists are at work and may learn from their efforts.  No word on whether they’ll cut off the perpetuators heads if they catch them, or force them eat twenty pound burgers, but either one is probably well deserved.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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