Daily Archives: October 23, 2008

Decriminalizing Prostitution, ‘No God’ slogans, and U.S. Suicide Rate Rising

San Francisco to vote this fall on decriminalizing prostitution
U.K. buses to carry “There’s probably no God” signs
Suicide rate leaps higher for U.S. middle-aged white men

Inebriated Press
October 23, 2008

CBS 13 Sacramento reported Tuesday that San Francisco will become the first major U.S. city to decriminalize prostitution if voters approve Proposition K next month.  And BBC News reported Tuesday that the British Humanist Association, with matching funds from atheist Professor Richard Dawkins, are funding posters on the sides of buses reading “There’s probably no God”.  Meanwhile, Bloomberg reported the same day, that U.S. suicide rates are climbing, fueled by a 17 percent rise among middle-aged white guys.  Pundits are debating why men would be killing themselves when President Obama will be mailing them checks to pay for legal hookers this coming February, and god is no longer around to blame them for stuff.

San Francisco Entrepreneur

San Francisco Entrepreneur

“There is no reason for middle-aged white guys to be taking themselves out when prostitution is about to be legalized, Barack is going to send them checks for not working, and the Obama administration is going to have modern terrorists like Bin Laden and old 1960’s traditional terrorists like Bill Ayers all under his thumb,” said Zesty Fremale-Uplift, a rebuilt blonde bombshell, currently working at the Starlite Motor Lodge and Strip Club.  “And the bus sign’s saying that there’s no god should only encourage them, knowing that nobody is out there saying that what they do is wrong.  The years ahead will be ones of so much freedom and limited restraint that almost anything will go — except old fashioned ethics and stodgy concepts like personal responsibility.  It’s high time those are tossed out the window anyway and in a few months they will be.  Finally most of the income I make moonlighting will be legal!”

Freedom from god & responsibility

Freedom from god & responsibility

Not everyone is as comfortable with the future as Fremale-Uplift.  “The current polls show that Obama will win the presidency with socialist values, an anti-American support group and the Marxist tactics of intimidation.  Old traditional white guys are realizing that their era is formally at an end, and they’re killing themselves now rather than waiting,” said Jon Doe, a boring middle aged white guy, whose small company provides jobs for fifteen American taxpayers of all kinds, at least for now.  “Traditional values like working hard to earn a living and investing the money you can save, taking personal responsibility for yourself and your family, going to church and supporting faith-based missions, these are all going to be replaced by social systems built and run by people like Bill Ayers, Tony Rezko, Jeremiah Wright, Louis Farrakhan, Nancy Pelosi and George Soros.  Being able to get a hooker legally just doesn’t replace the feeling of accomplishment that hard working guys get when they build up America and it’s economic and military prowess.  I’m not saying that people of other sexes and colors didn’t help to build our country, but since everybody blames us white guys for the problems and want us gone, I guess we’re going.  Some of us see no place for ourselves in the future other than to provide backbone and cash for the Obama administration to take and use whatever way they want.  Some of us would rather be dead than be part of that.”

CBS 13 Sacramento reported that in San Francisco, a live-and-let-live town, where medical marijuana clubs do business next to grocery stores and an annual fair celebrates sadomasochism, prostitutes could soon walk the streets without fear of arrest. San Francisco would become the first major U.S. city to decriminalize prostitution if voters next month approve Proposition K — a measure that forbids local authorities from investigating, arresting or prosecuting anyone for selling sex. The ballot question technically would not legalize prostitution since state law still prohibits it, but the measure would eliminate the power of local law enforcement officials to go after prostitutes. “It will allow workers to organize for our rights and for our safety,” said Patricia West, 22, who said she has been selling sex for about a year by placing ads on the Internet. She moved to San Francisco in May from Texas to work on Proposition K.
 
BBC News reported that buses with the slogan “There’s probably no God” could soon be running on the streets of London. The atheist posters are the idea of the British Humanist Association (BHA) and have been supported by prominent atheist Professor Richard Dawkins. The BHA planned only to raise £5,500, which was to be matched by Professor Dawkins, but it has now raised more than £36,000 of its own accord. It aims to have two sets of 30 buses carrying the signs for four weeks. The complete slogan reads: “There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.” Hanne Stinson, chief executive of the BHA, said: “We see so many posters advertising salvation through Jesus or threatening us with eternal damnation, that I feel sure that a bus advert like this will be welcomed as a breath of fresh air.”

Bloomberg reported that the suicide rate in the U.S. rose from 1999 to 2005, the first increase after a decline of more than a decade, fueled by a 17 percent rise among middle-aged whites, researchers reported. Rates of suicide declined slightly among blacks and Asians of all ages, as well as among white teenagers and adults younger than 40. The number of white people ages 40 to 64 who took their own lives increased, to 17.5 for every 100,000 people in 2005 from 14.9 per 100,000 in 1999. Men continue to kill themselves at more than three times the rate of women, a ratio that changed little in the six years examined. “I don’t know what’s going on with this age group,” said Susan Baker, a professor at the Center for Injury Research and Policy at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health in Baltimore, who led the analysis, which was published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine. Baker said she was worried and that “the trend may continue or get worse.” Some people say its natural selection’s finest hour.

“Typically a species or sub-class on the decline will fail to reproduce, get weak and die, or just start to disappear, but it’s an interesting phenomenon that American middle-aged white males are exterminating themselves,” said social anthropologist and Darwinian poet, Janelle Jiffy-Lubbe, as she sat contemplating human reproduction through cellular division and petroleum byproducts.  “I think it represents a rapid advancement of Darwinian Theory in that it displays an intellectual approach to sub-species elimination, through self-deletion.  Instead of worrying about it, we should be celebrating it.  Of course they’ve been a very productive group and are responsible for the U.S. Constitution, but that’s in need of changing anyway.  They were good in their day, but their day is over.  Nothing to see here folks, move along.”

UK hooker, the early years.

UK hooker, the early years.

In other news, the U.K. Daily Mail reported Tuesday that the mother of a 13-year-old girl rewards her behavior by giving her cigarettes. “If I ground her, I’m just punishing myself because I have to put up with her in the house. Instead, I reward her good behavior by giving her cigarettes. If she’s bad, she goes without,” said Tracy Holt, the girls’ mother. “Giving out cigarettes as a reward works.” Holt, 43, knows her daughter Sam also drinks but is just relieved that it’s not more than a couple of cans of lager a night. And she decided not to get angry about her daughter losing her virginity at 12, instead insisting that Sam uses contraception. Sam admits having had four sexual partners in less than a year but said: “I only sleep with boyfriends.” The teenager claims being given cigarettes for her 15-a-day habit has helped her behavior. “If Mum tells me to tidy my room, I ignore her but if she offers me a fag, I do it.” No word on whether Sam plans to move to San Francisco where she can get both cigarettes and cash for plying a sex trade, or if she’ll stay in the U.K. and give out sex for free, but have the buses to remind her that “There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Coffee Reduces Breast Size, New Airport X-rays Show You Naked

Study says java shrinks boobs
New airport scanners see ‘private parts’

Inebriated Press
October 23, 2008

UPI reported this week that a Swedish researcher has discovered drinking lots of coffee reduces the size of many women’s breasts.  And UPI reported last week that new X-ray scanners being tested at a Melbourne, Australia airport are effective enough to reveal the nude bodies of travelers.  Pundits are debating why the Aussies and Swede’s don’t just hook-up and give airline passengers mamograms as a free bonus for putting up with bad airline service.

With or without coffee?

With or without coffee?

“It’s well known that business women who have to travel a lot don’t have time for routine mamograms or chest x-rays, and the airlines would be doing a real service for passengers by having a doctor on hand to review the scans and provide a health report to women when they get off the plane at their destination,” said Peggy Wite-Socks, a hard working business-class woman from Chicago, and a depressed baseball fan.  “The economy is soft, the lines at airports are long, and I know I’m stressed-out more than usual.  The least the airlines could do is provide a benefit to me for all the x-rays they’re pumping through my body while they look for weapons of mass distruction in my crotch and cleavage.  It’s bad enough my breasts are shrinking because of all the coffee I’ve been draining trying to get through a hectic day.  Now I’ve got government-sanctioned peeping Tom’s looking at my boobs and winking at me, but not helping me an ounce.  Let’s get an airline-government healthcare combo going.  The machines are already checking me out.  Get some eyes on them that can do me some good.”

Traveler viewed with old school equipment.

Traveler viewed with old school equipment.

Not everyone agrees with Wite-Socks.  “There’s always next year, and the economy will be better, terrorists will be at bay, the Sox will be winning, and thinking about our health will be put-off to go to the beach,” said Misty Rae-Tampa, a exuberant college vollyball coach, who’s cup size has gone up despite pounding caffine drinks, because her local silicon specialist gave her a great deal.  “This x-ray stuff at airports is getting out of hand and has to be reined in.  Talk about a lack of privacy!  Now they can see me nude … my current date hasn’t seen me nude and I’ve known him a month.  These airport people I’ve never met and they’re seeing me from angles I’ve never seen me from.  This stuff is really creeping me out.  It’s past the point of right or wrong and ventured into the weird and the twisted. Com’on Joe tell me it’s not so!”

UPI reported that drinking a lot of coffee reduces the size of many women’s breasts, according to a Swedish researcher. Helena Jernstrom, an oncologist at Lund University in southern Sweden, said that the effect is the result of a gene that about half of women possess. “Drinking coffee can have a major effect on breast size,” Jernstrom said. Jernstrom became interested in the subject because of research that has shown that large-breasted women are more likely to be diagnosed with breast cancer, while downing at least three cups of coffee a day reduces cancer risk. She decided to look for a correlation directly between drinking coffee and breast size and found one. Her study tracked 270 women. Jernstrom’s results were published in the British Journal of Cancer.

UPI reported that new X-ray scanners being field tested at Melbourne Airport in Australia are effective enough to reveal the nude bodies of travelers, according to Cheryl Johnson, general manager of the Office of Transport Security. The scanners are to be used on domestic passengers at the Airport for the next six weeks.  Johnson said the scanners can see right through clothing to the “genitals and breasts (of passengers) while they’re going through the machine”. However, she said “the faces are automatically blurred” by the machines. “It will show the private parts of people, but what we’ve decided is that we’re not going to blur those out, because it severely limits the detection capabilities,” Johnson said. Some people say privacy is an illusion and that relationships, just like the markets, are better when they are completely transparent.

Nader, what you see is what you get.

Nader, what you see is what you get.

“Too often people we meet are hiding behind a fasade designed to deceive and even mislead,” said Ralph Nader, a blemished in-your-face environmentalist and corporate greed hater, who hides nothing from anyone and often disgusts people he meets in saunas.  “We need market transparency, we need corporate transparency, we need to see people naked whenever we want and not just on the Internet.  I want what I want and so does everybody else, they just mistake what they want for something different than what I want.  If folks would get to wanting what I do, we’d solve a lot of big problems in society that’s for darn sure.  What did you say your name was again?”

In other news, The West Virginia Record reported last Friday that a Fairmont woman has filed suit against a Morgantown company, claiming one of its employees masturbated in front of her after offering her a job. Heather Kelly claims she could not take the job because of the conduct of the employee for Worldwide Industrial Services. Kelly interviewed with Richard See for an office position with Worldwide according to a complaint filed Oct. 1 in Monongalia Circuit Court. After a 30-minute interview, See offered her the job on the condition that he could take a picture of her breasts, the suit states. Kelly claims she was shocked, embarrassed and humiliated and began to gather her belongings to leave. As she was leaving, See told her that the job paid $300 per week and would be worth a quick picture of her breasts, then asked if he could at least touch one of them, according to the complaint. No word on whether See plans to go to work for airport security so he can check out womens’ breasts and grope them in the line-of-duty, but odds are good it’s his next job. The guy’s a natural.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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