Coffee Reduces Breast Size, New Airport X-rays Show You Naked

Study says java shrinks boobs
New airport scanners see ‘private parts’

Inebriated Press
October 23, 2008

UPI reported this week that a Swedish researcher has discovered drinking lots of coffee reduces the size of many women’s breasts.  And UPI reported last week that new X-ray scanners being tested at a Melbourne, Australia airport are effective enough to reveal the nude bodies of travelers.  Pundits are debating why the Aussies and Swede’s don’t just hook-up and give airline passengers mamograms as a free bonus for putting up with bad airline service.

With or without coffee?

With or without coffee?

“It’s well known that business women who have to travel a lot don’t have time for routine mamograms or chest x-rays, and the airlines would be doing a real service for passengers by having a doctor on hand to review the scans and provide a health report to women when they get off the plane at their destination,” said Peggy Wite-Socks, a hard working business-class woman from Chicago, and a depressed baseball fan.  “The economy is soft, the lines at airports are long, and I know I’m stressed-out more than usual.  The least the airlines could do is provide a benefit to me for all the x-rays they’re pumping through my body while they look for weapons of mass distruction in my crotch and cleavage.  It’s bad enough my breasts are shrinking because of all the coffee I’ve been draining trying to get through a hectic day.  Now I’ve got government-sanctioned peeping Tom’s looking at my boobs and winking at me, but not helping me an ounce.  Let’s get an airline-government healthcare combo going.  The machines are already checking me out.  Get some eyes on them that can do me some good.”

Traveler viewed with old school equipment.

Traveler viewed with old school equipment.

Not everyone agrees with Wite-Socks.  “There’s always next year, and the economy will be better, terrorists will be at bay, the Sox will be winning, and thinking about our health will be put-off to go to the beach,” said Misty Rae-Tampa, a exuberant college vollyball coach, who’s cup size has gone up despite pounding caffine drinks, because her local silicon specialist gave her a great deal.  “This x-ray stuff at airports is getting out of hand and has to be reined in.  Talk about a lack of privacy!  Now they can see me nude … my current date hasn’t seen me nude and I’ve known him a month.  These airport people I’ve never met and they’re seeing me from angles I’ve never seen me from.  This stuff is really creeping me out.  It’s past the point of right or wrong and ventured into the weird and the twisted. Com’on Joe tell me it’s not so!”

UPI reported that drinking a lot of coffee reduces the size of many women’s breasts, according to a Swedish researcher. Helena Jernstrom, an oncologist at Lund University in southern Sweden, said that the effect is the result of a gene that about half of women possess. “Drinking coffee can have a major effect on breast size,” Jernstrom said. Jernstrom became interested in the subject because of research that has shown that large-breasted women are more likely to be diagnosed with breast cancer, while downing at least three cups of coffee a day reduces cancer risk. She decided to look for a correlation directly between drinking coffee and breast size and found one. Her study tracked 270 women. Jernstrom’s results were published in the British Journal of Cancer.

UPI reported that new X-ray scanners being field tested at Melbourne Airport in Australia are effective enough to reveal the nude bodies of travelers, according to Cheryl Johnson, general manager of the Office of Transport Security. The scanners are to be used on domestic passengers at the Airport for the next six weeks.  Johnson said the scanners can see right through clothing to the “genitals and breasts (of passengers) while they’re going through the machine”. However, she said “the faces are automatically blurred” by the machines. “It will show the private parts of people, but what we’ve decided is that we’re not going to blur those out, because it severely limits the detection capabilities,” Johnson said. Some people say privacy is an illusion and that relationships, just like the markets, are better when they are completely transparent.

Nader, what you see is what you get.

Nader, what you see is what you get.

“Too often people we meet are hiding behind a fasade designed to deceive and even mislead,” said Ralph Nader, a blemished in-your-face environmentalist and corporate greed hater, who hides nothing from anyone and often disgusts people he meets in saunas.  “We need market transparency, we need corporate transparency, we need to see people naked whenever we want and not just on the Internet.  I want what I want and so does everybody else, they just mistake what they want for something different than what I want.  If folks would get to wanting what I do, we’d solve a lot of big problems in society that’s for darn sure.  What did you say your name was again?”

In other news, The West Virginia Record reported last Friday that a Fairmont woman has filed suit against a Morgantown company, claiming one of its employees masturbated in front of her after offering her a job. Heather Kelly claims she could not take the job because of the conduct of the employee for Worldwide Industrial Services. Kelly interviewed with Richard See for an office position with Worldwide according to a complaint filed Oct. 1 in Monongalia Circuit Court. After a 30-minute interview, See offered her the job on the condition that he could take a picture of her breasts, the suit states. Kelly claims she was shocked, embarrassed and humiliated and began to gather her belongings to leave. As she was leaving, See told her that the job paid $300 per week and would be worth a quick picture of her breasts, then asked if he could at least touch one of them, according to the complaint. No word on whether See plans to go to work for airport security so he can check out womens’ breasts and grope them in the line-of-duty, but odds are good it’s his next job. The guy’s a natural.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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