Camp-mate Says al-Qaeda Leader Likes Hugs, Not Kisses
Researchers Find Chemical That Erases Selective Memories
The New Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll by Topco
October 24, 2008
The Association of American Publishers (AAP), reported Wednesday that an Australian man currently on trial for receiving funds from al Qaeda, said that at an Afghan training camp where he met Osama bin Laden in 2001, the terrorist was polite and shy, he liked hugs but wasn’t fond of kissing. And Gizmodo reported Wednesday that researchers have found a chemical that has proven to target and erase specific long-term memories. Meanwhile, Topco Sales announced it’s newest product: the Sarah Palin Blow-up Doll. Pundits debate the benefits of hugging a real terrorist or fake woman, while some just want to forget everything and move on.
“The world has become a tabloid theme-park where ‘surreal’ is as natural as dirt, rocks and Democratic tax hikes,” said Babs Masterson, a western gal who wears a Colt 45, drinks Colt 45 and dates a guy named Colt who just turned 45. “Nothing is surprising anymore except surprise itself. Whatever that means. Listen, things have become so whacked up in America that somebody told me the other day that a junior Senator with no experience may be elected the president. I think they’re full of shit; no way people are that crazy. Still, the trends point to consistent weirdness punctuated by moments of real stupidity. I’m going to find the chemical that erases memories. Colt 45 does pretty good on the short term stuff, but I may have to block out the next four years altogether.”
Not everyone sees it the way Masterson does. “It’s comforting to know that bin Laden likes hugs and that I can order a blow-up doll of Sarah Palin to snuggle with,” said someone claiming to be Senate majority leader Harry Reid, as he sat contemplating the use of mind altering chemicals to make Americans forget Democrat tax relief promises, Barack Obama’s anti-American friends and Nancy Pelosi’s latest face-lift. “Anybody who likes hugs can’t be all bad, and when Barack sits down with bin Laden and Iran’s Ahmadinejad and chats about his plans to change America, I’ll bet they’ll be hugging and singing together like they were at a slumber party. Speaking of slumber parties, boy oh boy that Palin is one hot babe. I’m ordering a couple of those blow-up dolls so I’ll have extra. Bill Clinton asked me to get a couple for him too but not say anything to Hillary. She’d be pissed. But so what, she’s always pissed.”
AAP reported that Jack Thomas, a 35-year-old Melbourne man was at an old military camp in Afghanistan, where he got close enough to bin Laden to observe that the al-Qaeda leader was polite and shy, didn’t mind a hug, but wasn’t so fond of kissing. Thomas, from Werribee, Australia is standing trial for receiving funds from al-Qaeda and possessing a falsified passport. “He was definitely well loved,” Thomas said of Bin laden in an interview with Australian TV network ABC which was played in court last week. “(He) was very polite and humble and shy. He didn’t like too many kisses. He didn’t mind being hugged, but kisses he didn’t like.”
The report said the former Melbourne taxi driver revealed the insights into the goings-on at the al-Farouk camp, an al-Qaeda training base in Afghanistan before the September 11 attacks, in two interviews for the ABC current affairs programme Four Corners. In the interview, the Muslim convert said at the camp he felt “like a king, Robin Hood, as part of a band of merry men”.
Gizmodo reported that eerily similar to the memory-erasing concepts in the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, researchers have found a chemical that has proven to target and erase specific long-term memories, which could be useful in treating people with severe phobias or post-traumatic stress disorders. However, although these tests have been producing amazing results in mice brains, human memories are so much more complex that it could still be a while before you can forget that time you pissed your pants while giving your Abraham Lincoln presentation in the second grade, and Helen Vanderly, the cutest girl at school, pointed and laughed at you.
Technology Review said that for more than two decades, researchers have been studying the chemical–a protein called alpha-CaM kinase II–for its role in learning and memory consolidation. To better understand the protein, a few years ago, Joe Tsien, a neurobiologist at the Medical College of Georgia, in Augusta created a mouse in which he could activate or inhibit sensitivity to alpha-CaM kinase II. Tsien found that when the mice recalled long-term memories while the protein was overexpressed in their brains, the combination appeared to selectively delete those memories. “One thing that we’re really intrigued by is that this is a selective erasure,” Tsien says. “We know that erasure occurred very quickly, and was initiated by the recall itself.” Some people say memories of the past are the keys to the future.
“I remember when Reagan told the Ruskies to tear down the Berlin wall, and initiated the so called ‘Star Wars program’, and the Democrats called him a warmonger and a danger to the world; but the wall came down and the USSR collapsed,” said Clint Freman, a regular guy with no distinguishing features other than a few scars from Nam, who works hard to support his family, pay his taxes and occasionally grapples to control his pro-American tendencies. “I also remember Bill Clinton promising tax relief as a candidate and hiking taxes as president, and Jimmy Carter flummoxed on Iran and Reagan the candidate telling the Iranians to straighten up or there’d be hell to pay when he took office – and they did in Carters last couple days in office. You get peace through strength not fireside chats, even Teddy Roosevelt said ‘speak softly and carry a big stick’. We can pretend that socialism is okay and that the peaceniks who bombed the Pentagon were right, and that if we stop helping others fight for freedom it’ll make tyrants like us; but we’d be idiots. Sometimes it’s good to stop a moment and realize that for all of Americas blemishes, we’ve done more good for the people of this world in our short history, than all the promising dictators and socialists have ever done. We should think really hard before deciding to ‘change.’ Even hopeful change born by nice looking people with nice sounding words can be bad. No amount of chemicals will make me think America is bad. I have too many memories of the United States doing the right thing to forget them all without losing myself entirely. Now go vote for the war hero you candy asses.”
In related news, Topco Sales introduced an inflatable sex doll dubbed ‘This is Not Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll’ just in time for the hot and heavy presidential election. Soon to be available in stores and online, the ‘This is Not Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll’ is sure to liven up any town hall meeting, vice presidential debate, or caribou hunting party. The PR piece says: “Sarah Palin is one hot pundit! Sarah Palin bikini photos and sexy pictures of the republican vice presidential candidate are steaming up the Internet. With that in mind, we here at Topco Sales wanted to give the public a piece of the beauty pageant queen in time for the erection…I mean election,” says Autumn O’Bryan, Director of Product Development for Topco Sales. “This blow-up sex doll could really satisfy the swing voters.” Novelty distributors are urged to contact their Topco Sales account executive to order the ‘This is Not Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll’, found under the TLC line of products. No word on if alpha-CaM kinase II is included so you can erase embarrassing moments when you’re caught playing with the doll, but we can hope.
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