Great Sex Before Lock-Up, Cut Taxes to Get Talent, and Dirty Handed Women

Hedge Fund CEO has “crazy sex” after sentencing
Personal Tax Rates Fall Worldwide as Governments Pursue Best Workers
Women carry more bacteria on their hands than men

Inebriated Press
November 5, 2008

As income earning American citizens ponder years of future tax prison, some find it instructive to consider what hedge fund CEO Sam Israel did before he handed himself over to the authorities to begin serving his sentence: according to the New York Post, he had “crazy sex” with his girlfriend, Debra Ryan.  Meanwhile, Tax-News.com reported that top personal tax rates have fallen worldwide from an average of 31.3% to 28.8% as countries slash rates to keep and acquire top quality workers.  But not everyone is concerned about sex and taxes; they’re worried that women are all being caught dirty-handed.  According to USA Today, women’s hands contain more bacteria than men do, and a lot more variety.  Pundits debate the next four years of American history and wonder if they should wash their hands of bacteria and taxes, then have sex and move to Ireland.

“We all knew that with the $700 billion bail-out and trillions of national debt, that we Americans were going to be paying higher taxes; the only difference was how much and how soon.  The only real decision was whether we’d pick Obama and get tax hikes bigger and faster, or McCain and have fewer coming at us slower,” said Horatio Hu, a company owner and part-time Dr. Seuss character, who listens well and doubts most things politicians claim.  “Meanwhile corporations in Ireland have profits taxed at 12.5% and individuals pay 20% up to $50,000 and then 41% on income above that.  I’m having crazy sex with my wife Sally right after she washes her hands, and then moving my company and family to Ireland.  That way I get to have my cake and eat it too.  Or something like that.”

Not everyone is as selfish as Hu.  “We should all stay here in America and pay higher taxes and live with our dirty hands,” said a U.S. welfare and multiple-government-program hand-out recipient, dreaming of better times.  “I got all the sex I want and have kids strewn all over the east side.  People need to pay more taxes so Uncle Sam can give the kids mothers’ bigger checks to get along.  Damn rich people have been able to keep too much of their own money for way too long.  That shit’s got to end or I’m going to wash my hands of American style socialism and join the Communist Party.”

The New York Post reported Monday that the first thing Sam Israel, the CEO of collapsed hedge fund Bayou, did after receiving a 20-year sentence to federal prison in April, was have “crazy sex” with his girlfriend, Debra Ryan. Israel, 48, faked his own death in June to avoid prison by scrawling “Suicide Is Painless” on the hood of his abandoned car. He’d already been sentenced and ordered to pay his swindled victims $350 million, but the judge had given him “six weeks to settle his affairs.” Israel vanished the morning he was supposed to surrender. Weeks later, his mother handed him over to authorities. Now Ryan, who confessed to helping her boyfriend flee, opens up to Marie Claire magazine about their relationship. The leggy blonde described Israel as a “holy lamb,” even though her romance with him left her $500,000 in debt and with a criminal record.

Tax-News.com reported last Friday that top personal income tax rates around the world have fallen by an average of 2.5% in the past six years, as governments strive to balance their need for revenue with the impact of increasing global labor mobility, a new study from KPMG International has found. Worldwide, top personal tax rates have fallen from an average of 31.3% in 2003 to 28.8% in 2008. But European Union (EU) taxpayers still pay the highest rates, at an average of 36.4%, followed by taxpayers in the Asia Pacific countries with an average of 34.6% and those of Latin America at 26.9%, KPMG said. Excluding those countries which levy no tax at all, the lowest EU rate is in Bulgaria, with a newly introduced flat rate of 10%, down from 24%. In Asia Pacific the lowest is in Hong Kong, with 16% and in Latin America it is in Paraguay with 10%.

According to a New York Times article published January 2008, the tax on corporate profits in Ireland is 12.5 percent, which is an incentive to own a business. Personal income tax rates in Ireland today are 20 percent on the first $50,000 of income and 41 percent on income above that. The Group, Enterprise Ireland, has also been putting up initial capital for venture investment funds and supports research and development. “We must support new approaches, nanotechnology, biotechnology and other sciences,” said Kevin Sherry, a director of Enterprise Ireland, who specializes in start-up companies. “Because we cannot succeed in the future using what got us here in the past.” 

USA Today reported Monday that a new study found women have a greater variety of bacteria on their hands than men do. “The sheer number of bacteria species detected on the hands of the study participants was a big surprise, and so was the greater diversity of bacteria we found on the hands of women,” said lead researcher Noah Fierer, an assistant professor in Colorado’s department of ecology and evolutionary biology. The researchers aren’t sure why women harbored a greater variety of bacteria than men, but Fierer suggested it may have to so with the acidity of the skin. University of Colorado biochemistry assistant professor Rob Knight, a co-author of the paper, said men generally have more acidic skin than women. Asked if guys should worry about holding hands with girls, Knight said: “I guess it depends on which girl.”  Some people say that just as some girls have fewer bacteria than others there-by reflecting differences in risk and reward to male suitors, so too, some countries have a better tax structure and there-by reflect differences in risk and reward to high quality workers.

“I’m checking all the women I’m considering building a life with for bacteria first, and I’m checking all the countries I’m considering building a business in for tax levels on business and personal income,” said Ima Genius-Corp, a hard working American-born guy who values long-term physical and financial health.  “I’m not having ‘crazy sex’ or starting a ‘crazy business’ just anywhere and anytime.  I’m done with this ‘I was born here and so I’ll start a business here and get married to whomever is cute and nearby’ stuff. If germs and the government are going to treat me as so much fodder then I’m fighting back by sticking with my American derived principles and becoming a global citizen.  I didn’t leave my country, my country left me.”

In other news, The Salt Lake Tribune reported last week that the “Rapture Index,” a web based “end of the world” indicator, modeled after the Dow Jones Industrial Average and run by Todd Strandberg of Bellevue, Nebraska, is now receiving 50,000 hits a day [raptureready.com]. The Index consists of 45 categories of prophetic indicators from the occult to inflation and the crime rate. According to Strandberg the current economic downturn, the war in Iraq and the uncertainty of what will really happen after the U.S. presidential election, is causing many to think that the end of the world is at hand.  No word on whether the website suggests moving to Ireland or having crazy sex will help, but I’m washing my hands more because it’s the easiest thing I can do to try and improve my chance of survival in the days ahead. 

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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