Secret U.S. Order on Al Qaeda, $14 Bra Saves Lives, and Victim Turns Table on Robber

Since 2004 US military has used a secret order to attack Al Qaeda world-wide
Woman stabbed in chest, saved by underwire bra
Victim breaks free, wrestles gun away and shoots robber

Inebriated Press
November 11, 2008

The New York Times reported Sunday that since 2004 the United States military has used broad, secret authority to carry out nearly a dozen previously undisclosed attacks against Al Qaeda and other militants, in Syria, Pakistan and elsewhere.  And Australia’s News Limited reported Saturday that an English barmaid is alive to tell the story of how a $14 bra saved her life when she was stabbed in the chest by a mugger.  Meanwhile Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported Saturday that a Tampa man was tied up and robbed, but after breaking free from the restraints and wrestling the gun away, the man fatally shot one of two robbers.  Pundits debate the ethics of defending oneself using secret orders, attacker’s weapons and women’s underwear.

“It’s every individual’s right and responsibility to defend themselves and their property using any means necessary, be that the right to fight back any-place at any-time against those you know are out to hurt you; to using attackers weapons against them, and wearing women’s undergarments,” said Thomas Knight-Trane, a personal trainer and self defense expert, who believes in shooting first and asking about underwire bras and satin panties later.  “I will not be among the passive sheep-to-the-slaughter crowd and sit around hoping somebody will bail me out.  Anybody who takes me on will get it right back.  I’m going down fighting.  Heck most of these attackers and terrorists are cowards and are surprised when the victim fights back.  Turning the tables gives you the element of surprise half the time.  The rest I leave to the Smith & Wesson .357 heat I carry in my underwire bra holster.”

Not everyone agrees with Knight-Trane.  “A violent response to violence just perpetuates it and makes the person defending themselves no better than the attacker,” said Stacy Lawmann-Discord, an animal rights activist who packs heat of a different kind inside her underwire bra; if you get my drift.  “What we need is more kindness and gentleness to all people and animals.  If we respond to terror attacks with kindness and gifts, the criminals and terrorists will soften their attitudes about us.  It seems to be working between the US and North Korea.  We keep giving in to their threats and they haven’t launched a missile into Japan.  We should probably give money to the United Nations to distribute to Al Qaeda so that they are more easy-going about things too.  I’m so against fighting and war.  But don’t touch any of my shit.  My brothers in SWAT.”

The New York Times reported that the United States military since 2004 has used broad, secret authority to carry out nearly a dozen previously undisclosed attacks against Al Qaeda and other militants in Syria, Pakistan and elsewhere, according to senior American officials. These military raids, typically carried out by Special Operations forces, were authorized by a classified order that Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld signed in the spring of 2004 with the approval of President Bush, the officials said. The secret order gave the military new authority to attack the Qaeda terrorist network anywhere in the world, and a more sweeping mandate to conduct operations in countries not at war with the United States. According to a senior administration official, the authority was spelled out in a classified document called “Al Qaeda Network Exord,” or execute order, that streamlined the approval process for the military to act outside officially declared war zones. The 2004 order identifies 15 to 20 countries, including Syria, Pakistan, Yemen, Saudi Arabia and several other Persian Gulf states, where Qaeda militants were believed to be operating or to have sought sanctuary, a senior administration official said.

Australia’s News.com reported that an English barmaid has told how a $14 bra saved her life when she was stabbed in the chest by a mugger. Victim Vicky Parsons, 26, said the point of the knife pierced her skin but the serrated blade caught on the wiring of a new bra. “The bra saved my life. It’s the best £6 ($14) I’ve ever spent,” she said. “One had a large sharp knife across my throat. I instinctively pushed it away and it cut my hand. He shouted, ‘Give me some money’ and I swore at him. Then he pushed the knife at my chest and ran off.” The shop that sold her the bra, Asda, said: “We’re delighted one of our bras saved Vicky. We would like to invite her to come in so she can replace the damaged item with a selection of new ones. This is our very own wonder bra.”

The St. Petersburg Times reported that late last Thursday night, two friends of Anthony Velez’s came to his apartment. They’d been there many times before, a neighbor said. This time, police said, they tied Velez up and robbed him. And this time, only one left alive. Velez, 21, fatally shot one of the men after breaking free from the restraints and wresting a gun away, Tampa police said. It happened about 11 p.m. at the Tuscany Point Apartments, 3350 W Hillsborough Ave. The other man fled on foot, and Velez suffered only minor injuries. The fugitive was identified by police as Ramon Antonio Varela, 34, with no known address. Varela is facing charges of felony murder, armed robbery with firearm and kidnapping. One of the Velez neighbors, Will Nieves, said Velez is a good guy, but too trusting. The two met when Velez moved into the apartments about a year ago. “I told him, ‘You’ve got to watch who you trust,” Nieves said. “In this world, not all that glitters is gold. Some people will hide behind a fake smile.’ ” 

Some people say that fake smiles, a bit of charm and the gift of gab, can get you all the way from community organizer into the highest office in the land.

“I guess folks are no longer interested in substance and the bottom line, and have a higher appreciation of well meaning but deceptive politicians who have no clue about what’s really going on in the world. Apparently we are to believe that first-term junior Senators who behave in a shallow left-wing manner, really know how to run things best and protect us from danger; and that they should be in charge because their chameleon-like ability enables them to dodge uncomfortable questions,” said some sarcastic guy still disgusted that a Vietnam vet with solid credentials, was beaten out of the U.S. presidency by a glib newbie sill wet behind the ears.  “I guess 53 percent of American voters forgot what happened to us on 9-11, and that it took guys like McCain to stop the terrorists so that we haven’t had another successful attack on our soil. If that’s the logic we’re going to have to live with over the next four years, then you better arm yourself to the teeth.  We’re going to have serious shit going on around here.”

In other news, World Net Daily reported Saturday that Arizona Supreme Court Chief Justice Ruth McGregor endorsed a demand from the Hispanic Bar Association to censor words and phrases such as “illegal aliens” and “illegal immigrants” and substitute “foreign nationals” in court documents. When a blog at Judicial Watch reported on the instructions, court officials threatened to sue the government-watchdog organization, prompting it to release a statement defending the story. No word on why the Court thinks we shouldn’t call illegal people illegal people or how much better things will be when all terms mean everything and nothing, but perhaps when ‘foreign nationals’ and ‘undocumented pharmacists’ (drug dealers) are running America, maybe then it’ll get clearer for those of us who still haven’t shaken off the last vestiges of common sense.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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