American’s Funding Hamas and Scanning ID’s, While the Web Keeps Us Sane

U.S. Foundation guilty of funneling $12 million to terrorists
New machines electronically read your drivers license from 50 feet away
People surf the Internet to flee reality

Inebriated Press
November 26, 2008

Sad Hamas Supporters in Dallas

Sad Hamas Supporters in Dallas

The Dallas Morning News reported Monday that a jury found a Muslim charity and five men who worked with the group guilty of three dozen counts related to the illegal funneling of at least $12 million to the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas. And USA Today reported Monday that the Homeland Security Department has new machines at the Canada and Mexico borders that allow personnel to “read” data on your passport and driver’s license from 50 feet away, as you approach the border.  Meanwhile, USA Today also reported that when bad news gets overwhelming, some people turn to the Internet for live video feeds of puppies to keep themselves sane.  Pundits debate charitable terrorist groups, charitable puppies and the ethics of strangers obtaining intimate knowledge of you, because you’re within 50 feet of them.

“If I want to give someone my personal information or hand terrorists some spending cash, that should be my choice and I shouldn’t be duped by a Muslim charity or scanned by Homeland Security without my knowledge,” said Larry Patron-Idee, a hard working maintenance worker and occasional postal recipient.  “The economy is weak, terrorists want to kill us and our own government is logging personal information about folks who get close to the border.  I’m so depressed that only puppies frolicking on video-cam can cheer me up.”

Stress Relief

Stress Relief

Not everyone thinks the latest news is negative.  “We caught and busted the Muslims running the scam and pushing millions of dollars to Hamas.  Do I wish we’d have busted them sooner?  Sure, but we got them now and it’s stopped, so quit whining about it,” said Elizabeth Bixley-Protem, a temporary worker at Dollar General, who moonlights at Ziggy’s Tax Prep and Strip Club.  “And it’s good that the border guards have some powerful tools like a scanner that can read the fake ID’s or real passports of people trying to get in or out of the country.  The legitimate folks will go through quicker and the cheaters will get caught.  This stuff is working people, that’s why it’s in the news.  And it’s good news!  Forget all the Internet puppy stuff; be glad we’re winning the war on terror and head down to Ziggy’s if you need a break.  How many joints will let you drink booze and watch strippers while they do your taxes?  It’s a hell of a good deal and fun to boot!”

The Dallas Morning News reported that a jury on Monday determined that the Holy Land Foundation and five men who worked with the Muslim charity were guilty of three dozen counts related to the illegal funneling of at least $12 million to the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas. Guilty verdicts were read on 108 separate charges.

Distressed Palestinians Needing Cash

Distressed Palestinians Needing Cash

Robert Hirschhorn, a nationally known jury consultant based in Lewisville, said “The jury has handed the government a huge victory and a loud and clear message has been sent — if any group funnels money to a terrorist organization, the government will hunt you down and turn off the money spigot.” Defense attorneys argued that the foundation was a legitimate, non-political charity that helped distressed Palestinians under Israeli occupation.

USA Today reported that agents along the Canada and Mexico borders are using a controversial new machine that can “read” the personal information contained in some government-issued ID cards — such as passports and driver’s licenses — as travelers approach a checkpoint. The Homeland Security Department says the new practice will tighten security and speed the flow of traffic. Privacy-rights advocates warn that terrorists or other criminals can use their own machines in a process called “skimming” to read the information from as far as 50 feet.

New Passport

New Passport

Consumer privacy expert Katherine Albrecht says the chips create the “potential for a whole surveillance network to be set up.” She says police could use them to find criminals, abusive husbands to find their wives, and stores to track customers. Homeland Security says the chips are made not to reveal personal information to machine readers — just a code, that then shows the information on the border agents’ screen.

USA Today reported that when the reality of the world gets to be too much for Jana Ogletree, a waitress from Elgin, Idaho, she turns to — puppies. Six puppies, to be precise — romping, rolling, sleeping, yelping and playing. Ogletree doesn’t own the six furry shiba inu puppies. And she’s never touched them. Instead, the puppies are being raised by an anonymous couple in San Francisco, and Ogletree — along with some 4 million others around the world — watches them live, online via video feed on Ustream.tv three to four times a day.

“The economy is tanking. There’s going to be a new change in the administration,” says Ogletree, 42. “Everything happening in the outside world right now is just completely overwhelming. What’s a better little island in the midst of a giant sea of angst than six little puppies in San Francisco?”

Some pundits say that fuzzy puppies would cure all the world’s problems if we’d just let them.

“Send Hamas a dozen puppies and some puppy chow and I’ll bet they stop shooting Israeli’s and blowing themselves and others to bits,” said some innocent bystander, often caught hoping for the best, usually against all odds.  “It was when Bill Clinton’s dog’s got killed or died that he kept turning to interns and associates for sexual favors; if somebody had brought him a puppy he’d have calmed down.  Everyone is so serious and so fearful right now.  Take an aspirin and a puppy and chill-out people.  Or go to Ziggy’s Tax Prep and Strip Club and pretend to get your taxes done.  Find some way to relax a little. Everything is going to be okay.”

No TV Watching For These Folks

No TV Watching For These Folks

In other news, The New York Times reported last week that happy people spend a lot of time socializing, going to church and reading newspapers — but they don’t spend a lot of time watching television. The article said watching TV is what unhappy people do. 

“We looked at 8 to 10 activities that happy people engage in, and for each one, the people who did the activities more — visiting others, going to church, all those things — were more happy,” said John Robinson, a professor of sociology at the University of Maryland and the author of the study, which appeared in the journal Social Indicators Research. “TV was the one activity that showed a negative relationship. Unhappy people did it more, and happy people did it less.” No word on how much television the members of Al Qaeda and Hamas are watching, but it’s my guess that its way-way too much.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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