Monthly Archives: December 2008

JibJab: 2008 Year in Review

 Source: JibJab

It must be December – snow is falling, children are writing letters to Santa and we’re dragging 2008 through the mud in our all-singing, all-dancing, all-out year-in-review. Baby New Year ’08 takes you on a tour of all of the good, bad, and worse the past year had to offer, all at breakneck speed. We’re giving society a primo wedgie – everyone watch, point and laugh!

Watch the JibJab clip here:

http://sendables.jibjab.com/sendables/202809/2008_year_in_review#/teaser/202809

jibjab

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Obama and Clinton Found in Love Nest

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 30, 2008

73969402WM007_Democratic_PrStunned political pundits say president-elect Barack Obama and future Secretary of State Hillary Clinton were discovered shacked-up at an Arkansas resort, while former president Bill Clinton and first-lady-to-be Michelle Obama expressed disbelief from a Hooters in Chicago.  Inebriated reporters hiding in dumpsters and behind ice sculptures have the story.

081231_hillary_clinton1“I saw Hillary and Barack ice-skating together at an Arkansas resort and later disappear into a cabin with a pile of logs for a fire, and after I paid a local citizen who keeps recordings of wire-taps on all the cabins, I was given the story of the heated action that went on inside,” said Inebriated reporter Dank Apartment, a writer by trade and drinker out of habit.  “They had an emotional love-hate sexual-repressive relationship during the primaries.  Back then Barack said Hillary didn’t know shit about foreign policy and did nothing but have tea with foreign leaders’ wives; but now he’s named her to the top foreign policy position in the country and says she’s the nations top foreign policy expert.  It was just the sexual tension that brought out the conflicting statements, and now they’re working out that tension and are a lot more relaxed with each other.”

081231_james_carvilleNot everyone thinks it was Obama or Clinton. “I don’t think for one moment that Michelle and Bill were together at a Hooters in Chicago, there’s no doubt in my mind that it wasn’t really them,” said Democrat operative James Carvell, rubbing his head with bowling ball polish and yipping like a dog.  “Anyone who says it was is full of shit.  What did you say?  Barack and Hillary were naked together in a cabin?  I don’t know nothing, leave me alone.”

081231-super-obamaIn related news, Obama continues to say that all the statements he made during the primaries that conflict with what he’s doing now shouldn’t be seen as either lies or a change of positions.  “It was all preliminary stuff and you say whatever you need-to in order to get elected,” Obama reportedly said, while smoking a Marlboro he later claimed was a cheese stick.  “It’s not like politicians tell the truth or anything.  People know better than that.  We do whatever we want to, because we can.  Bill Clinton taught us that.  Now Hillary and I are revisiting it.  Why look so surprised?”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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SUV’s Running on Human Fat, Brains With Implanted Sex-Chips, and Viagra Enhanced Trees

Inebriated Press
December 29, 2008

Mr Chip Implant

Mr Chip Implant

Forbes reported last week that a Beverly Hills doctor is converting the liposuctioned fat he removes from his patients into bio-fuel for his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. And News-Australia reported last week that scientists are working on an implantable electronic “sex chip” that stimulates pleasure centres in the brain.  Meanwhile, Sweden’s The Local reported that researchers have found a common erectile dysfunction aid also has an enhancing effect on the common spruce tree.  Inebriated reporters say the new Obama Administration is planning to incorporate these developments into upcoming environmental and healthcare plans.

Lipo

Lipo

“One of our first initiatives will be to help obese Americans loose weight and improve their health as well as help our environment, by providing government funded liposuction for all over-weight citizens, and then converting their fat into fuel for our cars and trucks,” said Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s chief of staff, as he sat polishing the sole of his shoe with the soul of a Republican.  “This initiative will be a multiple win as citizens get healthier from the weight loss, we reduce demand for foreign oil by burning the renewable fuel derived from millions of obese Americans, plus we get the added benefit of creating thousands of new lipo-sucking jobs in cities all across the country. And once we put sex-pleasure brain implants into all Americans of voting age that are triggered by president Obama’s voice, he’ll rule the country until the day he dies, and that will ensure that we’ll be able to put all of our important initiatives in place.  Its change we can all believe in and quiver with joy and newfound thinness about.  You can’t beat it.”

Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin

Not everyone agrees with Emanuel.  “Building America’s future energy dependence on the waists and thighs of Americans may seem like a good idea at first glance, but in reality, it will cost too much to refine the body fat into fuel in volumes enough to power our nation’s transportation system,” said Governor Sarah Palin, a grass-roots common-sense styled Republican who is naturally out of favor with liberals and Democrat and Republican elites and most other people who want government that isn’t of the people, by the people or for the people. “Renewable fuel has its place and so does Viagra, as do brain implants that treat symptoms like Parkinson’s disease. But we need to be careful when sticking electrodes into our heads for stimulating pleasure or erectile drugs into growing trees.  Some unnatural things can be harmful — like claiming that creating bigger government by hiring more people is a beneficial jobs program.  Eventually someone — usually the taxpayers — have to pay for it.  And that hurts the economy because they’re the only people creating real value as derived from the marketplace.  We better think hard about this stuff and not just do it because it sounds cool and then hope for the best.”

Ford SUV

Ford SUV

Forbes reported that liposuctioning unwanted blubber out of pampered Los Angelenos may not seem like a dream job, but it has its perks. Free fuel is one of them. For a time, Beverly Hills doctor Craig Alan Bittner turned the fat he removed from patients into biodiesel that fueled his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. Love handles can power a car? Frighteningly, yes. Fat–whether animal or vegetable–contains triglycerides that can be extracted and turned into diesel. “The vast majority of my patients request that I use their fat for fuel–and I have more fat than I can use,” Bittner wrote on lipodiesel.com. “Not only do they get to lose their love handles or chubby belly but they get to take part in saving the Earth.” Using fat to fuel cars might be environmentally friendly, but it’s definitely illegal in California to use human medical waste to power vehicles, and Bittner is being investigated by the state’s public health department. Bittner’s lipodiesel Web site is no longer online.

081230-brain-implantsAustralia’s News.com.au reported that scientists are working on an electronic “sex chip” that will be able to stimulate pleasure centres in the brain. The prospect of the chip is emerging from progress in deep brain stimulation, in which tiny shocks from implanted electrodes are given to the brain. It has already been used to treat symptoms of Parkinson’s disease. In recent months, scientists have been focusing on an area of the brain just behind the eyes known as the orbitofrontal cortex. Stimulating this area can produce pleasure. Tipu Aziz, a professor of neurosurgery at the John Radcliffe hospital in Oxford, predicted a significant breakthrough in the science behind a “sex chip” within 10 years. By 2015, he predicts, micro-computers in the brain with a range of applications could be self-powered and controlled by hand-held transmitters. 

Spruce

Spruce

The Local reported that Swedish researchers have found that a common erectile dysfunction aid also has an enhancing effect on the common spruce tree. For a recent project, researchers in Umeå in northern Sweden from the Swedish University of Agricultural Sciences (SLU) concocted a potent fertilizer featuring arginine, a common amino acid known for its power to improve sperm production and blood circulation in the sex organs. Forestry professor Torgny Näsholm then added the mixture to the soil around several young spruce trees and measured the effects. Näsholm discovered that trees which grew in soil laden with the performance enhancing fertilizer developed stronger root systems than other spruce trees. In essence it boosted the tree roots’ “virility.”

Some people say that virility and not body fat or brain implants are the key to the future. 

081230_kathy_ireland“Anything can be artificially enhanced by adding stimulants, or chemicals, or by chopping off stuff we don’t want — like fatty deposits.  But if you aren’t naturally virile as the result of diet and exercise and have usable energy sources like oil, coal and gas deposits in addition to renewable fuels, all you have is fake health and fake energy security,” said Kathy Irelandski, a philosophy major and northern European babe whose natural resources are lusted after by men everywhere.  “A healthy society and healthy economy require hard work, strong character, personal responsibility and strong adherence to common sense and practicality.  Bailouts, handouts and citizens and companies who all think they’re victims and need the government to provide for them, represents a country in decline.  America was built by people who came to this continent to take risks and build a future based on freedom and opportunity.  Western European welfare and tolerance for radical Muslims is not what made this country great for two hundred years and it won’t make us great in the future.  We the people had better pull our collective heads out of our asses, roll up our sleeves, and go to work and fix this America ourselves.  No government has ever fixed anything.”

Taser

Taser

In other news, Florida Freedom Newspapers reported last week that a Beach police officer tased a naked woman after responding to a complaint of a disturbance along Front Beach Road on Saturday. Just after midnight Saturday morning, a Bay County Sheriff’s deputy responding to a complaint of a verbal disturbance saw a woman leaving an apartment wearing no clothes. She started walking toward him, and he told her to stop. The woman kept approaching the officer, according to the report, which says the officer then “deployed his taser into” the woman. The report says the woman “remained on the front porch without further incident” once she had been tased. No word on why the woman did what she did or whether she had brain sex-pleasure implants or fuel laden hips, but she was apparently plenty virile.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Fill ‘Er Up With Human Fat
http://www.forbes.com/technology/2008/12/21/fat-fuel-biodiesel-tech-sciences-cz_pcb_1222fatfuel.html?feed=rss_technology

‘Sex chip’ will have us wired, Oxford University researcher Morten Kringelbach says
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,24832642-36398,00.html

Erectile aid found to enhance spruce tree roots
http://www.thelocal.se/16490/

Naked woman tased by police officer
http://www.nwfdailynews.com/news/woman_13677___article.html/officer_beach.html

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Misunderstanding

081221-misunderstanding2

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Snowman health tips

081220-snowman-diet

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Men want Babes, Women want Guys with Money

Evolutionary psychologists say men want pretty young women;
Evolutionary psychologists say women want older men with money;
And social psychologists say men will take bigger risks to win women they want

Inebriated Press
December 26, 2008

$$ Bill Gates & Warren Buffett $$

$$ Bill Gates & Warren Buffett $$

LiveScience reported last week that new analysis by the University of Gothenburg and the University of Oxford underscore the party line that men want to marry pretty women while women want older men with money — but we don’t always get what we want.  And MSNBC reported that a new study by social psychologists at Florida State University says that men may flirt with risk because they think it will help them score women. Meanwhile Inebriated reporters continue to ply one another with booze hoping to get whatever it is that they want.

“I was looking for a young good looking guy with money and thought I had one until he fell down drunk and dropped his wallet and food stamps fell out of it,” said Stacy Blackk-Leather, a hot babe and convection welder, who attracts men of all ages according to evolutionary psychologists.  “So now I’m looking for an old guy who can hold his liquor, his wallet and hopefully executive level employment.  I guess youth really is wasted on the young.  Well, never mind.  I’ll stick with the trends and go for old gold because it’s better than none.” 

Raquel Welch

Raquel Welch

Not everyone sees it the way evolutionary psychologists do.  “Forget the hot babes, I’m after old women with money and experience, and I’ll take whatever risks I have-to in order to hook up with one,” said Stanley White-Plastik, a twenty-eight year old guy and napkin designer, who trusts Florida State psychologists but not University of Gothenburg ones.  “Raquel Welch may be 68 but she’s hot, has money and is famous.  You think I’d pass on her for some twenty-year-old bimbo who is trying to ‘find herself’?  Well, maybe for a night or two, but not in the long run.”

LiveScience reported that for years evolutionary psychologists have been saying that men want young pretty women for their mates and women want older men with money. This party line was recently underscored when scientists from the University of Gothenburg and the University of Oxford analyzed 400 personal ads in newspapers and Web sites and found that, indeed, men want attractive young women and women want older men with resources. The new study backs findings discovered in 1985, when psychologist David Buss of the University of Texas published an article based on interviews with more than 10,000 people from 37 cultures.

Babes, money or both?

Babes, money or both?

Subjects in Buss’ study were given a list of 18 possible characteristics of a mate and asked to rate those characteristics. Almost universally, both sexes put love, dependable character, emotional stability, and pleasing disposition first, and it wasn’t until character number 5 that men and women differed. Men said looks were more important than women did, and status and money were more important to women. However, no matter what people might say to researchers, the truth is everyone ends up mating with people who are interested in them, people we run into, people who happen to look our way. And our “choices,” more often than not, are irrelevant.

MSNBC reported that men may take bigger risks because they think it will help them win women. Evolutionary psychologists have long believed that women are choosier about men than men are about women. Social psychologists at Florida State University set out to test that idea.  FSU researchers asked 134 undergraduate male and female psychology students to participate in an experiment involving pictures of the opposite sex and risk-taking in playing blackjack. They wanted to see whether men would take more risks if they were “in the mood” and if the men thought there were beautiful women around for them to woo.

081226_catherina_zeta_jonesWhat the social psychologists found was that men were much more likely to take risks playing blackjack if they were sexually motivated and had seen images of beautiful women before they played. The guys were also more likely to take risks if they saw attractive female faces and remembered them afterwards — even if they weren’t looking for a new partner — perhaps because the faces made more of an impression on them and ramped up their sexual desire. The behavior of the female students, however, wasn’t affected by what they felt, saw, or remembered. Interestingly, the study found that guys who saw attractive faces but weren’t sexually motivated did not take more risks than guys who saw unattractive faces. Study co-author Michael Baker, a doctoral student in social psychology at Florida State, speculates that guys only take risks if they stand to benefit from them, because risk-taking does come with a cost — after all, a bad skydiving or rock climbing experience could keep a guy from reproducing ever again.

Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin

In other news, CNN reported this week that before he accepted Barack Obama’s offer to join his presidential ticket as vice president, Joe Biden got a promise from Obama: that he would be there for “every critical decision,” Biden said in an interview on ABC’s “This Week.” No word on whether Obama had looked at attractive pictures of other possible candidates before choosing Biden, but when asked whether Biden had actually really received the promise he claimed, president-elect Obama said: “that’s not the kind of promise the Obama I know then would have made. Joe must have still been thinking about his debate with Sarah Palin.  I know he forgot his own name and drooled continuously for two days afterward.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

The Perfect Mate: What We Really Want
http://www.livescience.com/culture/081219-hn-men-women-looks.html

Guys may flirt with risk more to score a mate
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28316943/

What Obama promised Biden
http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/12/21/transition.wrap/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

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Sandy Claus wishes you Happy Christmas!

081225-sandy-claus1

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