U.S. Economy and Miss England are Doomed, or Maybe Not

“Black Friday” Sales Were 3% Better Than Last Year
Gas Prices Falling, OPEC Still Pumping
Miss England Grows a Dress Size. Still Looks Hot
 

Inebriated Press
December 1, 2008

Too chubby?!

Too chubby?!

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported that sales during the day after Thanksgiving, traditionally called “Black Friday” since it’s used to get retailers profitable and put their ledgers in the “black,” rose 3 percent to $10.6 billion, according to preliminary figures released Saturday by ShopperTrak RCT Corp. And the Associated Press reported that OPEC held off on announcing new oil output cuts on Saturday, but its alarm over falling demand and declining prices may have laid the groundwork for future reductions in an effort to hike the cost of oil.  Meanwhile modeling agencies are telling Miss England that she’s too fat to get a contract because she’s grown into a size 10 dress.  Pundits are debating whether the beauty queen and the economy are really doomed or if the “experts” doth protest too much.

“3% higher sales in a so called economic downturn plus lower gas prices and a curvy Miss England with just a bit more to drool over, doesn’t constitute a world on the edge of collapse,” said Inebriated reporter Dusty Sackcloth, an introspective student of buying power and hot blondes, who also writes part-time for reasons unknown.  “So we’ve got some idiots who can’t run car companies and executives who don’t use common sense when making housing loans.  Fire them and put somebody in place with a clue.  Those morons aren’t stopping the regular folks who work hard and make their house payments from shopping if they want to – and that’s the majority of people.  ‘Experts’ think the election is still going on and talk like the economy is in free-fall.  Well, we already elected somebody president and did the ‘change’ thing, so reporters are supposed to start reporting some facts again instead of spin.  Idiots.  Even drunken hoot owls like me can figure this shit out.”

Our Saudi pals want your money.

Our Saudi pals want your money.

Not everyone agrees with Sackcloth the hoot owl.  “OPEC will raise prices again soon and finish off our economy, and the sales on Friday won’t make any retailers money because they slashed prices to try and get people into the stores; and as far as Miss England goes, she’s so chubby she’ll never be a model, she needs to be thinner than a pencil like all fine looking women,” said Holly Holindale-Sause, a testy librarian who often whacks kids who whisper too loudly or lean Republican.  “Until this country completes the move into Obamaland’s Western European Socialist model, we won’t live the giddy life that we all deserve.  I expect constant bad news until the day after January 20th.  Only after the inauguration will the moon beams and monkey gods bless us with good news.”

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported that the holiday shopping season got off to a surprisingly solid start, according to data released Saturday by a research firm. But the sales boost during the post-Thanksgiving shopathon came at the expense of profits as the nation’s retailers had to slash prices to attract the crowds in a season that is still expected to be the weakest in decades. Last year, shoppers spent about $10.3 billion on the day after Thanksgiving, dubbed Black Friday because it was historically the sales-packed day when retailers would become profitable for the year. This year Sales during the day after Thanksgiving rose 3 percent to $10.6 billion.  “It’s truly amazing when you think about all the news that led into the holiday season, it certainly appears that consumers are willing to spend more than most expected,” said ShopperTrak co-founder Bill Martin. Black Friday is an important barometer of people’s willingness to spend during the holidays.

The Associated Press reported that OPEC held off on announcing new oil output cuts on Saturday, but its alarm over falling demand and a slumping economy potentially laid the groundwork for a big reduction when it meets again in a matter of weeks. The outcome of Saturday’s meeting in Cairo, convened about a month after the group decided to pull 1.5 million barrels per day of oil from the market, seemed unlikely to put a floor beneath crude prices that have fallen by around 60 percent from their mid-July highs of $147 per barrel. Ahead of the meeting, the U.S. benchmark light, sweet crude futures contract settled a penny lower Friday at $54.43 in an abbreviated session on the New York Mercantile Exchange. OPEC ministers, according to a statement, agreed to “take any additional action … to balance oil supply and demand, and achieve market stability” during their Dec. 17 extraordinary meeting in Oran, Algeria.

Fear of curves

Fear of curves

UK’s Daily Star reported Saturday that modeling agencies are turning down sexy Miss England Laura Coleman because she is too fat. The blonde has gone up a dress size to a perfect 10. Miss Coleman, who will take part in Miss World in South Africa next month, has found that most agencies have a problem with her new curves. Laura, 22, said: “I really think the curvy girl should be promoted more as a positive image in the media. But the agencies seemed to have a problem with me when I wasn’t skinny any more.” Eating disorder specialist Emmy Gilbert added: “The fashion world endorses an ideal which can be unattainable or, if achieved, highly dangerous.”

Some people say its way-better to look good and live dangerously than look less attractive and be safe and secure.

“I’m so relieved that voters elected Barack Obama president because he’s much better looking and more articulate than John McCain, even though he’s the more dangerous choice because he has no experience and no track record of managing anything,” said Stacy Wild-Cide, a suicidal Hooters waitress who has risky sex with good-looking men as often as possible.  “If you’re not hot looking and walking on the edge of oblivion you’re not living.  And it’s boring when you’re not living out on the edge.  I’m so happy America isn’t boring anymore.  I’ve got a feeling the next four years are going to be really something.  I’m up for a wild ride.”

Never say die McQueen

Never say die McQueen

In other news, the Los Angeles Times reported that a new memoir called “Steve McQueen: The Last Mile” talks about how in McQueen’s last year of life he spent his time living with his girlfriend in a hangar at the Santa Paula Airport. During the day, he learned to pilot a World War II-era biplane. In the evening, the tough-guy superstar would crack open cold beers with grease monkeys, fledgling pilots and aging flyboys who still had a few loop-de-loops left in them. On Saturday nights, the couple kicked back in their hangar — really a big storage shed — to watch “The Love Boat” and “Fantasy Island” on a black-and-white TV. Dinner was often a feed at the local Chinese restaurant. No word on whether McQueen spent any time worried about his babes dress size or the economy, but the fact is he was doomed but still had a good time anyway.  And when you get right down to it, we’re all going to go sometime.  It’s up to us to decide whether we want to spend our time pissing and moaning or have a little fun on the way out.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on U.S. Economy and Miss England are Doomed, or Maybe Not

Filed under Humor, IP News

Comments are closed.