New Research: Men’s sperm quality depends on intelligence
News: Man claims he accidentally shot wife during sex
December 9, 2008
The UK Independent reported on Sunday that startling new research says the male gender is in danger as common chemicals are feminizing males of all classes of animals, including people. And Economist Magazine reported last week that a paper about to be published in “Intelligence” by Rosalind Arden of King’s College, London, says that brainy men have better sperm than stupid guys. Meanwhile, The UK Sun reported Friday that a U.S. man told cops he was reaching for something on the bedside table during sex with his wife when his pistol went off shooting a bullet into her chest. Pundits are debating whether Chinese pollution can be held to blame for bad sperm which resulted in a stupid man shooting his wife during sex, or whether household chemical companies are ultimately responsible.
“Obviously in an era when government bailouts of bad companies is commonplace, and teachers have indiscriminate sex with their students, no one is really responsible for themselves anymore; so either household chemical companies or pollution from China is to blame for the existence of the guy who shot his wife during sex,” said Alfredo Newmann, an attorney and TV talk show host wannabee, who often brushes his teeth out of habit but never gives to the needy for any reason. “Since the U.S. accepts tainted food and other products from China we can’t really blame them for the problem. I think the most logical thing to do is to sue Proctor and Gamble. I’m sure they’re producing something that’s probably harmful and they don’t need a cash bailout so they must have some money. P&G should probably write the guy and his wife a check for a few million dollars and then give me a cut since I proposed this reasonable settlement. I am an attorney after all and I understand this stuff. Maybe the government should just give me a cut of all transactions that occur in the U.S. directly; it’d save me the bother of collection. U.S. attorneys get a piece of most of the money swirling around our economy anyhow. It’s our clever sperm that enables us to do it. Science says so.”
Not everyone is climbing on board the Newmann attorney-led sex-injury-by-soap-company settlement express. “There are lots of stupid guys out there and a law degree only means you cleared a bar exam somewhere. Intelligence and common sense are two totally different things,” said Sandy Barnacle-Beachwear, a Clerk of Court and part-time wrestler at the Hapless Parrot Lounge. “If I decide to have a kid I’m going to have a clone made of myself anyway, so I don’t care if guys can’t procreate anymore. The few smart ones I know are married already and the bums who come on to me I want nothing to do with. Some people say pollution is messing with evolution and ruining guys’ sperm. I say evolution is doing its thing just fine. The idiots are dying out. That’s the way it’s supposed to work. Too bad the moron who shot his wife during sex didn’t shoot himself in the chest. Still, evolution has always had a bit of random chance in it.”
The Independent reported that evolution is being distorted by pollution, which damages genitals and the ability of men to father offspring. According to startling scientific research from around the world, the male gender is in danger, with incalculable consequences for both humans and wildlife. Backed by some of the world’s leading scientists, who say that it “waves a red flag” for humanity and shows that evolution itself is being disrupted, the report comes out at a particularly sensitive time for British ministers. On Wednesday, Britain will lead opposition to proposed new European controls on pesticides, many of which have been found to have “gender-bending” effects. It also follows hard on the heels of new American research which shows that baby boys born to women exposed to widespread chemicals in pregnancy are born with smaller penises and feminized genitals. “This research shows that the basic male tool kit is under threat,” says Gwynne Lyons, a former government adviser on the health effects of chemicals, who wrote the report.
The Economist reported that a paper about to be published in “Intelligence” by Rosalind Arden of King’s College, London, and her colleagues, says that the quality of a man’s sperm depends on how intelligent he is, and vice versa. Ms Arden is one of a group of researchers looking into the connections between intelligence, genetics and health. They surmise that the reason for the link may be that intelligence is one manifestation of an underlying, genetically based healthiness; and vice versa; or that intelligent people make better choices about how to conduct their lives. Smarter guys may, for example, be less likely to smoke, more likely to eat healthy foods or to exercise, and so on. During the study they found that neither age nor any obvious confounding variable that might have been a consequence of intelligent decisions about health (obesity, smoking, drinking and drug use) had any effect on the result. Brainy men, it seems, do have better sperm. The story writer said this isn’t very politically correct to say, but the hypothesis looks stronger by the day.
The Sun reported that a husband has claimed he accidentally shot his wife while they were having sex. Timothy Havens, 38, told cops in the US he was reaching for something on the bedside table when the pistol went off. A bullet hit his estranged wife Carolyn in the chest. He dialed 911 and was heard saying in the emergency call: “[The gun was] right beside the bed. “I picked it up and put it off to the side. We were having sex and it went off.” Mrs. Havens, 42, was left fighting for her life at a hospital in Dayton, Ohio. Havens was arrested after it emerged his wife had a civil protection order against him. He had previously spent 60 days in jail for assaulting his wife and been ordered to attend anger management classes.
Some people say that when thinking about sex, men and intelligence part company.
“Modern men revert back to a caveman mindset the closer they get to a sexual opportunity, and I think if you tested the guys sperm and intelligence at that moment, you’d find the quality of both pretty low,” said a jogger casually passing gas in an affront to both males and climate change. “But I don’t know how to explain the insanity in the U.S. Congress. You’d think that both eggs and sperm quality would be so bad that bureaucracy would have died out altogether by now. I guess the smart folks must be throwing off some bad seeds that keep running for office so we maintain the bureaucratic population. Whoever claimed that evolution was survival of the fittest and that nature is constantly improving itself forgot about entropy and the Second Law of Thermodynamics. Our nation is going down if we won’t fight for it. Ronald Reagan said, ‘Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn’t pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same.’ Yup, intelligence and common sense are two different things. Hopefully we figure out which is which before it’s too late.”
In other news, Germany’s The Local reported last week that a German man has been found dead in a pornography video booth at a Bonn Beate Uhse sex shop. Apparently “plump boobs and hot thighs” were too much for the 54-year-old pornography customer’s heart, who died while watching porn in one of the video-booths at the sex-shop on Bischofsplatz. Though authorities suspect he died of a heart attack, the doctor on the scene could not determine the cause of death at the time, and the corpse was handed over to police. No word about the quality of the guy’s sperm or his intelligence, or whether he believed in continuous improvement or entropy, but no doubt about it, he’s one less male running with the herd.
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