Obama Spins Gun Vote, Pistol Declared Medical Device, and Inflatable Breasts are Lost at Sea

> Barack Obama says gun-owning Americans have nothing to fear from his voting record
> New 9mm weapon certified as a Class I Medical Device by FDA
> Container with 130,000 inflatable breasts lost in Pacific

Inebriated Press
December 10, 2008

Silly gun toting American

Silly gun toting American

The Chicago Sun-Times reported that gun sales are shooting up around the country, and President-elect Barack Obama said Sunday that gun-owning Americans do not need to rush out and stock up before he is sworn in next month. Obama has voted for Draconian legislation against guns, and following his November election as U.S. president, gun sales in his home state of Illinois jumped 38%.  UK’s Sky News reported that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has approved a new single-shot 9mm weapon called “The Palm Pistol” as a Class I Medical Device according to its maker, Constitution Arms. They say it’s ideal for use by the elderly and disabled.  Meanwhile, the U.K. Metro reported that 130,000 inflatable breasts went missing on the high seas while on route to Sydney, Australia, from Beijing.  Inebriated reporters are breaking out the eggnog and old movies as they contemplate guns and breasts, the way some people do sex and violence.

Sam Spade

Sam Spade

“I’ve always liked bombs and boobs in the movies and sometimes in real life, usually not at the same time — although it can get really interesting,” said Sam Spade, a hard ass movie detective, often found drinking bourbon, squeezing dames and cleaning a Webley-Fosbery .45. “I don’t trust anybody who votes for the most stringent forms of gun control, the most Draconian legislation, gun bans, ammunition bans and even an increase in federal excise taxes up to 500 percent for every gun and firearm sold, and then claims he believes in the second amendment.  Any guy who talks like that is parsing his words and redefining what he means as he goes.  I’ve met some of those sort of guys and had to slap them around.  They took it and liked it.  I’m not sure today’s America has the stomach for that kind of thing.  If the trend to the left keeps up, I’m not sure what America will have the stomach for.  Sad thing is it’ll mean tough hard ass American’s will be taking and liking it from assholes, tramps and terrorists.  If I wasn’t an imaginary character I’d come back and slap you in the face and try to wake you up myself.”

Not everyone agrees with Spade.  “The important thing is not that there are restrictive laws and reduced amounts of freedom coming to America, the important thing to remember is that when law-abiding citizens turn in their guns and ammo and focus only on inflatable breasts that are lost at sea, they’ll be all the better for it,” said a drunken hoot owl, who wandered into this story from another dimension outside of time and space.  “Polls show that Obama’s approval rating is higher than any first time president-elect.  And there are only a handful of conservative, freedom and personal responsibility cranks, who have a problem with the man.  When the Obama minions are leveraging politicians, company leaders and others who get in the way of Obamamania using the time-honored leftist tactics of intimidation and coercion; we’ll shove the nay-sayers to the side and get to making real progress.  Goofy gun owners think the original Constitution and Bill of Rights mean something in this day and age.  They’re out of touch with reality.  It’s about change baby.  America voted for change.  It’s a comin.”

The Palm Pistol

The Palm Pistol

The Chicago Sun-Times reported that as gun sales shoot up around the country, President-elect Barack Obama said Sunday that gun-owning Americans do not need to rush out and stock up before he is sworn in next month. “I believe in common-sense gun safety laws, and I believe in the second amendment,” Obama said at a news conference. “Lawful gun owners have nothing to fear. I said that throughout the campaign. I haven’t indicated anything different during the transition. I think people can take me at my word.”  But National Rifle Association spokesman Andrew Arulanandam said it’s not Obama’s words — but his legislative track record — that has gun-buyers flocking to the stores.

“Prior to his campaign for president, his record as a state legislator and as a U.S. Senator shows he voted for the most stringent forms of gun control, the most Draconian legislation, gun bans, ammunition bans and even an increase in federal excise taxes up to 500 percent for every gun and firearm sold,” Arulanandam said. Obama answered “yes” in 1996 to a questionnaire from an Illinois group on whether he supported a handgun ban. Nationally, background checks for gun purchases jumped nearly 49 percent during the week Obama was elected. Anecdotally, gun dealers around the country have reported spikes in sales. The Illinois State Rifle Association Reports gun sales for November were 38 percent higher than last year.

Palm Pistol with Dimensions’

Palm Pistol with Dimensions’

Sky News reported that a small arms manufacturer in the US is taking deposits for a gun specially designed for elderly and disabled people, who may be able to get it on prescription. The Palm Pistol is the world’s first ergonomic firearm, according to Constitution Arms. The single-shot 9mm weapon is grasped in the palm of the hand, with the barrel pointing out between the fingers. Instead of pulling a trigger to fire the gun, users press their thumb on a button at the top. “Point and shoot couldn’t be easier,” the New Jersey-based company claims on its website. And it goes on to say: “It is ideal for seniors, disabled or others who may have dexterity limitations or difficulty sighting and controlling a traditional revolver or semi-automatic pistol.” The Palm Pistol has been certified as a Class I Medical Device by the US Food and Drug Administration, Constitution Arms said. That means doctors could prescribe it to certain people, such as those who have had fingers amputated. The Palm Pistol will cost around $300 when it goes on sale.

Inflatable ego ... er boobs

Inflatable ego ... er boobs

The Metro reported that a magazine has asked beachcombers to keep a sharp eye out for inflatable breasts after 130,000 went missing en route to Sydney. Men’s magazine Ralph had intended to distribute the toys free with its January issue. It said the container left docks in Beijing two weeks ago but turned up empty in Sydney this week. The magazine’s editor Santi Pintado asked anyone with information on the current whereabouts of its freebie to get in touch. He said: “Unless Somali pirates have stolen them its difficult to explain where they are. If anyone finds any washed up on a beach, please let us know.”

Some people say that inflated egos have rougher edges than inflatable breasts, and are prone to rub people the wrong way.

Pamela Anderson

Pamela Anderson

“Anybody who continues to talk as though they can reinterpret things they’ve done and said with impunity, has an ego so big that it needs to be punctured and brought down to earth — or left to float out to sea,” said someone claiming to be Pamela Anderson, a blonde with a buoyant personality and a chest to match.  “What I mean is a person who constantly redefines who they are and what they mean will stop being believed and pretty soon their listeners will get pissed off and turn against them.  I kept upsizing my boobs and kept getting more and more popular with the guys and my TV show audiences, but they kept getting in my way when I bowled, so I downsized them.  My popularity went down with them. So I upsized again and so did my popularity.  What I’m saying is that if you do it right the first time and stick with it, you’ll avoid a lot of discomfort and surgical procedure. Changing back and forth a lot — whether it’s your belief system or your jugs — is uncomfortable and dangerous.  You risk infection in your mammaries and popularity.  That’s just the way it is, and no doctor prescribed 9mm can change it.”

Poking Box or High Tech Finger Pulling Joke?

Poking Box or High Tech Finger Pulling Joke?

In other news, a new Japanese toy lets you poke the inside of a box for endless fun.  Wired Gadgets reported last week that Bandai’s Tuttiki Bako (literally, ‘the poking box’) features a type of touch interface where you can ‘tease and harass the digital characters’ on-screen with your own finger.  According to the manufacturer, the box gives off a realistic sensation each time you touch a character, and you can see your own finger in the shadow-hand-style display. Apparently, this wonderful sounding feat is accomplished through motion sensors embedded inside the box. No word on what happens if other stuff is caught poking around in there or whether it’s FDA approved for the disabled and elderly, but word out of president-elect headquarters is that it’s getting a 500% tax when it comes to the U.S. in order to insure your safety.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Suzanna Gratia-Hupp: What the Second Amendment is REALLY For
[Video at Google]

 

 

 

 

Comments Off on Obama Spins Gun Vote, Pistol Declared Medical Device, and Inflatable Breasts are Lost at Sea

Filed under Humor, IP News

Comments are closed.