Sell the Kids for Lipo, Buy Burger-Scented Cologne, and Trade your Fireworks for Sex

> Woman sells sons for $13,000 to fund liposuction
> Burger King announces new meat-scented cologne
> Italian women say no sex if husbands set off fireworks over Christmas

Inebriated Press
December 18, 2008

Fireworks or not?

Fireworks or not?

Fox News reported Sunday that a Belgian mother sold her newborn twins for $13,000 so she could pay for her liposuction – a fat removal procedure.  And the UK Telegraph reported yesterday on the newest in Christmas gift-giving: just in time to help you with that hard-to-shop-for person on your list, Burger King is offering flame-broiled-meat-scented cologne.  Meanwhile, United Press International reported that a group of women in Naples, Italy, said they will withhold sex if their husbands or boyfriends set off fireworks during the holiday season.  Pundits are debating the ethics of selling your children to fund cosmetic surgery, the attractiveness of smelling like fast food, and why Italian women resent men who blow stuff up for holiday fun.

“It is wrong for women to sell the kids for cash and deny sex to men who like explosives, but it is appropriate for men to smell like meat products as long as it’s not pork,” said Muhammad Hussein, a Middle Eastern patriot who murders infidels with impunity, thereby displaying his exemplary religious principles. “It is up to the men to decide if the children should be sold and whom or what to blow up for religious holidays or other occasions.  Women should know their place and remain subservient to men in sex and all things.  Israel and the West must be crushed in order to establish the holy Muslim Caliphate so al Qaeda and Taliban styled Sharia law will govern world-wide.  Only then can we solve the worlds many problems.  Now let’s go blow some stuff up.  My five wives will still have sex with me afterward.”

Sex or not?

Sex or not?

Not everyone agrees with Hussein.  “Jeeze Louise, Mabel, no one should be selling children for any purpose and although trading sex for fireworks sounds crazy, what the heck, you do what works,” said Heather Gramm-Cracker, a pale blonde actress who sells herself for various reasons, but tends to avoid children and the scent of fast food.  “And I wouldn’t buy anyone Burger King cologne, there’s nobody but maybe a big stock-holder who would want that.  And then only for scent-of-money reasons.  I don’t know about wearing scent-of-a-burger perfumes.  I like meat in many forms, but not for the smell.  I may be wild and crazy but smelling like meat is getting out there a bit too far even for me.”

Fox News reported that a mother in the Belgian tourist haven of Ghent has been accused by her estranged husband of selling her newborn twin boys for more than $13,000 to pay for cosmetic surgery. Marc Poppe, 48, told an undercover reporter for Dutch television that Sonia Ringoir, 31, had sold the babies to a friend to fund liposuction, the fat removal procedure. He said the couple had searched the Internet to find a quick way to make money: “It was financially attractive to us. Of course we wouldn’t do it for nothing.” Since Belgium has no law banning the sale of children, Ringoir was charged with “degrading treatment” of the twins. She was also charged with fraud after a Dutch couple alleged she had conned them by falsely offering to be a surrogate mother. If convicted, she could face between one month and five years in jail.

Before & After Selling the Kids

Before & After Selling the Kids

The Telegraph reported that the American fast-food chain Burger King, has come up with a novel Christmas gift idea for the meat-loving man who has everything: barbecue-scented cologne. Just in time for the festive season, the company has released its very own men’s body spray, Flame. Not recommended for vegetarians, Flame is being promoted as “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat”. Flame is on sale for the credit crunch-busting sum of just $3.99 (£2.65), suggesting the Burger King promotions department has realized their contribution to the fragrance market might work best as a novelty stocking-filler. Flame was launched this week in a selection of US stores and even has its own website, the appropriately named firemeetsdesire.com. The site proudly proclaims to prospective buyers: “The Whopper sandwich is America’s favorite burger,” before going on to extol the virtues of a perfume that smells like cooked meat.

United Press International reported that a group of more than 40 women in Naples, Italy, said they will withhold sex if their husbands or boyfriends set off fireworks during the holiday season. Dr. Vincenzo Sorrentino said the idea for the committee of women pledging to withhold sex came after years of injuries and deaths resulting from Christmastime fireworks. “We’ve tried everything to stop the mayhem caused by fireworks but we’ve never reached the results we hoped for,” Sorrentino said. “We decided to get women involved because they are more convincing and they always achieve their goals.” Carolina Staiano, 42, the head of the women’s committee, said her own father was seriously injured years ago by exploding fireworks. “So far we’ve had more than 30 women join up and we’re hoping for more,” she said Friday. “We’re fed up with these stupid annual massacres. This time they’re just going to have to choose: sex or fireworks.”

Scent of Meat

Scent of Meat

Some people say that sex and fireworks represent the essence of human nature and in many ways, of life itself.

“Aspects of procreation and abstract forms of violence make up the last million years of human history and each play a critical role in forming both civilization and the ongoing struggle of the human race against oppression and godless nature,” said an Inebriated reporter, quoting no one in particular and clinging to a bottle of Jack Daniels as though his life depended on it.  “Ever since Eden we’ve tried to be our own gods and have been screwing and blowing up shit with reckless abandon.  Maybe we should just slap on some meat scent and sit in a circle and wait for the bears to come.  On the other hand, trading fireworks for sex doesn’t sound too bad.  I just might try that.”

In other news, the Sydney Morning Herald has reported that forty-six percent of women who took part in an online research poll would rather go without sex for two weeks than give up access to the internet for the same period of time. Ninety-five per cent of those surveyed said it is “very important, important or somewhat important” to be able to access the internet. Sixty-five per cent rated internet access above other discretionary spending items such as cable television subscriptions (39 per cent), dining out (20 per cent), shopping for clothes (18 per cent) or a health club membership (10 per cent). No word on where liposuction and fireworks rank, but it’s a good bet that internet access will kick the ass of Burger King cologne, even if it does have “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat”.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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