Quest for Cheap Oil, The G-Spot and Remote Controlled Bras

> Oil Falls Below $38/barrel; OPEC Slashes Production
> Scientists Discover One in Four Women Have a G-Spot
> Syrian specialty store offers remote controlled bra, singing underwear

Inebriated Press
December 19, 2008

081219_crude_oil_pump_jack-b-w1Bloomberg News reported yesterday that crude oil fell below $38 a barrel for the first time since July 2004 as OPEC talked production cuts, but the market didn’t believe them.  And Australia’s Macquarie National News reported that Italian scientists have used ultrasounds to prove the G-spot exists, but only one woman in four have one.  Meanwhile, BBC News reported that the “Fatin Shop for Ladies Indoor Clothing” in Damascus, Syria, has a hot market for bras designed to spring open and fall to the floor with a clap of the hands or press of a button.  Pundits are debating the power of OPEC, G-spots and remote controlled underwear.

Tech or Tactile?

Tech or Tactile?

“As high technology continues to be developed and is applied to all areas of life with new tools, techniques and clothing, it’ll become increasingly irrelevant to find Oil, G-spots or buttons and snaps,” said Marilyn Master-Johnson, a nuclear physicist and part-time nudist, who uses technology to push all her own buttons but no longer rents videos.  “The Arabs better sell all their oil as fast as they can because it’ll be worth nothing in the near future.  The dude in Syria selling remote controlled bras and musical panties has got the new market figured out.  Commodities are dead and sexy underwear is the hot growth market.  I’ve already rolled my 401k into sexy underwear and techie clothing companies.  Better get while the getting is good.”

Syrian bra

Syrian bra

Not everyone is signing on to Master-Johnson’s high-tech-as-replacement-or-everything scheme.  “I won’t argue that high-tech has benefited society and even created full and partial cyber-beings capable of everything from giving travel directions to filling in for a wife, but it’s not the same as the parts of a real man or woman no matter what anyone thinks; and crude oil is always going to be needed, even in the future,” said Tessie Hott-Galant, a physical therapist and weight-lifter, whose natural curves blend with her natural desires to create other natural actions some of which are illegal in certain Middle Eastern countries.  “Tactile and hands-on flesh-to-flesh with a moan or two will always be better than buzzing and whirring mechanics, and crude oil converted into high performance fuel in a Ferrari is going find more G’s of all kinds, than the best battery-powered Toyota.  I do have to admit that blasting the organic cotton off my body with the touch of a button would be a real rush though.”

Mahmoud demos knickers

Mahmoud demos knickers

Bloomberg reported yesterday that crude oil fell below $38 a barrel for the first time since July 2004 on speculation the drop in demand because of the weakening economy will outpace OPEC supply cuts. Oil declined as much as 5.9 percent after the index of leading U.S. economic indicators fell in November for the fifth time in seven months. The U.S. Energy Department said consumption will be lower in 2009 because of the contraction. The Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries agreed to reduce production by 2.46 million barrels a day at a meeting yesterday. “With all the doom and gloom about the economy, I see nothing to stop the receding tide of oil prices,” said Gene McGillian, an analyst at Tradition Energy in Stamford, Connecticut. “The next important support I am looking at is $35, and after that, $30.”

Black underwear tech

Black underwear tech

LiveNews Australia reported that Italian scientists have used ultrasounds to prove the mythical G-spot exists – but only for one lucky woman in four. According to New Scientist, the researchers, at the University of L’Aquila in Italy, have discovered clear anatomical differences between women who claim to have vaginal orgasms – as opposed to clitoral – and those that don’t. Women capable of orgasm during penetrative sex have a thicker tissue area in the region between the vagina and the urethra – meaning it’s now easy to medically tell the difference between the lucky “cans” and the “can-nots”. Interestingly, the boffins also believe that women with the thicker tissue can be ‘taught’ to have vaginal orgasms, if they can’t already. Although the ultrasound scans showed only eight in 30 women had a G-spot, only five of those reported vaginal orgasms. But after receiving advice on the G-spot’s location, two of the remaining three were able to hit the big O. But it’s not all bad news for the majority of women born without the anatomical blessing, with scientists confident it’s conceivable to “grow” a G-spot through practice. “I fully agree that the use makes the organ,” said head researcher Emmanuele Jannini. “I do expect an increase with frequent use.”

BBC News reported that just off the crowded central market in Old Damascus, a sales assistant called Mahmoud is introducing shoppers to an unusual Syrian specialty – musical knickers. Singing underwear isn’t the only item on sale at the “Fatin Shop for Ladies Indoor Clothing”, where Mahmoud is proudly showing off his product lines. He’s also got remote-controlled bras and knickers, designed to spring open and fall to the floor with a clap of the hands or a press of a button. And he’s got knickers with flashing fairy lights, others that glow in the dark, a bra-and-knickers set shaped like manicured women’s hands enveloping the wearer’s crotch and breasts. There’s a whole street off the historic Hamadiyeh Souk selling this genre of clothing – all outfits manufactured in Syria, some that Madonna herself might blush to wear, all showing bawdy creativity and a wicked sense of humor. Forthright displays of the some world’s kinkiest “leisure wear” have long been a feature of Syrian souks – though many tourists don’t notice the crotchless knickers and PVC French maid outfits among the more traditional inlaid backgammon sets and textiles. Now two London-based Arab women, Rana Salam and Malu Halasa, are shining a spotlight on this little-known local specialty, with a new book called The Secret Life of Syrian Lingerie.

Some people say that kinky underwear has always driven the global economy more than oil has.

Sexy underwear is historial

Sexy underwear is historial

“What do you think was going on in Adam and Eve’s brains when the wind caught the edge of those fig leaves and started flapping them around?  They got a pile of kids after getting tossed out of Eden you know,” said Iem Hottandbothered, a former hunter-gatherer now living in Paris and producing underground films about high-tech resistance by a small group of Muslim nudists who refuse to be identified, carry identification or wear pockets.  “The past has always been driven by inter-personal and real personal-personal relationships, and no form of technology will change that.  Technology has its place and can advance society, the economy and even work the kinks out your shoulders or other places, but it’ll never replace the power of the individual and the human machine to build societies and civilizations.  As a member of a minority group — nudist Muslim’s — I accept the benefits of technology to build and destroy, for good and for evil.  But I put my faith in the flesh god made.  That and the button that I press to blow the bra and panties right off of my good wife in a split second.  Some tech is okay for personal-personal stuff.”

Old-style crude-oil free tech

Old-style crude-oil free tech

In other news WRAL reported Tuesday that armed burglars broke into a Tampa, Florida man’s home, held a gun on him and a knife to his throat and demanded his eggbeater.  Police caught the men outside the home and they are being held in Orient Road Jail. One suspect also faces a charge of aggravated assault. Police found the eggbeater in the man’s left pocket.  No word on why the man’s eggbeater technology was in such demand with the burglars, but experts say it doesn’t use oil to run and can be operated clothed or nude.  And I guess that’s something to think about.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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