> Hong Kong rigs beauty contest to assure winner
> Hairy male chests get popular with women
> Human-sized heart found at car wash
December 23, 2008
Times Online reported last week that Hong Kong’s Asia Television (ATV) admitted that it had falsified viewer voting figures in a beauty contest so a 23-year-old Hong Kong student named Eunis Yao would win. Hong Kong has been slowly transitioning into China’s fold, and the rigging of elections is seen as an important step in it’s progress. Meanwhile, The Daily Beast reported that after many years of hairless male chests being the most popular, hairy-chests are making a comeback. All this plus the finding of a human-sized heart making a surprise appearance at a carwash, are in the news and stirring the wonder of the holiday season into a steamy broth that smells kind of funny.
“I lost my heart at a car wash once when there was this girl named Wendy who used to dry off the cars wearing a wet T-shirt,” said an Inebriated reporter having a flash-back and getting drool on his notebook. “She was a real hotty and could have won a Hong Kong beauty pageant without cheating. I asked her out on a date but she was ahead of her time and wouldn’t go out with me because my chest was smooth and hairless. If only I could have foretold the future that day, I could have glued some fur on.”
Not everyone has lost their heart, rigged an election or bemoaned the lack of chest hair. “A guy can be hairy or hairless and if they’re smart, funny and nice to me, I’ll go out with them,” said Missy-Mae Hartt-Throbb, a bastion of femininity and human perfection, who hides it behind a blue Wal-Mart vest down at the store six days a week. “I used to work at the Heavy Petting Cougar Cage, a strip club and plumbing supply store, but guys kept pretending they were giving me their heart when all they really wanted was a piece of my ass. I got tired of it after a while and traded it for work at a department store. I still get some of the same action but I can dress warmer.”
The Times Online reported that Hong Kong, central to China’s slow transition from dictatorship to democracy, has become the scene of a scandal about that most modern of democratic institutions: the television viewer poll. Last week an executive of Asia Television (ATV) admitted that his channel had falsified viewer voting figures in the beauty contest. The Miss Asia pageant was won by a 23-year-old Hong Kong student named Eunis Yao after votes were counted from mobile telephone text messages and the internet – but it has since emerged that she was not, in fact, the true choice of the people. They did not disclose who the real winner had been, but the nationality of the second and third-placed competitors provides fuel for speculation: could the vote fixing reflect official pressure to follow up China’s spectacular summer Olympic successes by crowning a Chinese beauty as the winner?
The Daily Beast reported that the real signifier of masculinity lies in chest hair. And it’s making a comeback. According to writer Jessi Klein, after many years of drought, chest hair has returned with a vengeance as the sign of sex appeal and virility. Mad Men star Jon Hamm (aka Don Draper) is entertainment’s tall drink of testosterone du jour. Clive Owen, the brooding, British Sin City hunk has unabashedly displayed his sexily untamed man fur. Aussie Hugh Jackman (the newly anointed Oscar host and People‘s latest “Sexiest Man Alive” pick) is only a hair or two behind his X-Men alter-ego Wolverine, and he is all the hotter for it. Klein wrote that when she meets a guy for the first time, she has no problem with his eyes wandering south for a second to check out her rack—that’s when she steals a glance at the little slip of landscape peeking out from the collar of his shirt. Is it heavily forested, gently grassy, or just a desert-like stretch of flesh, with nary a hair in sight to provide shade?
MSNBC reported that a human-sized heart found at a southwestern Michigan car wash has investigators wondering whether it came from a person or an animal. The organ was discovered in a corner of a manual wash bay at Soapy’s Car Wash, Paw Paw police said. The owner of the business found it Monday on the floor of the bay. Police first took the heart to an animal clinic, where a veterinarian was unable to determine its origin. The next stop was a local cardiologist, who said that while it was “consistent in size to a human heart,” he could not make a conclusive determination as to its source, said police Chief Patrick W. Alspaugh. The chief took the organ to Lansing’s Sparrow Hospital, where forensic scientists were to examine it. “If it’s a human heart, that prompts the question, ‘Then where’s the body?'” asked Alspaugh.
Some people say that it takes a lot of heart to get along in today’s world.
“Times are tough for a lot of people and it isn’t always easy to be cheerful, raise your kids to show respect and have common sense, and keep beauty contests and elections fair,” said John Bush, a hairy chested contractor and family man, often ignored by politicians unless they need more of his income in taxes. “But it’s important that we keep standing up for our values, working hard and even play hard once in a while. That’s the kind of stuff that built this country and made America the freest and strongest nation in the world, and provided the most opportunity to the most people in history. I don’t like some things going on today, but I’m going to keep working hard and stand up for what I believe in. I’m an American. And that’s what American’s do.”
The drive contains a little floating “stars say yes” and “stars say no” predictor of the future — kind of like the old 8-Ball toy globe. So now you can back up your files and ask your drive if the Chinese girl will win the beauty contest and if your date will have chest hair. No word on whether anyone really cares what it says, but what the heck, it is Christmas time and we should all have a little fun — even if it’s just silliness being spouted by Inebriated Press or sold by the USB Group.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com