Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
December 30, 2008
Stunned political pundits say president-elect Barack Obama and future Secretary of State Hillary Clinton were discovered shacked-up at an Arkansas resort, while former president Bill Clinton and first-lady-to-be Michelle Obama expressed disbelief from a Hooters in Chicago. Inebriated reporters hiding in dumpsters and behind ice sculptures have the story.
“I saw Hillary and Barack ice-skating together at an Arkansas resort and later disappear into a cabin with a pile of logs for a fire, and after I paid a local citizen who keeps recordings of wire-taps on all the cabins, I was given the story of the heated action that went on inside,” said Inebriated reporter Dank Apartment, a writer by trade and drinker out of habit. “They had an emotional love-hate sexual-repressive relationship during the primaries. Back then Barack said Hillary didn’t know shit about foreign policy and did nothing but have tea with foreign leaders’ wives; but now he’s named her to the top foreign policy position in the country and says she’s the nations top foreign policy expert. It was just the sexual tension that brought out the conflicting statements, and now they’re working out that tension and are a lot more relaxed with each other.”
Not everyone thinks it was Obama or Clinton. “I don’t think for one moment that Michelle and Bill were together at a Hooters in Chicago, there’s no doubt in my mind that it wasn’t really them,” said Democrat operative James Carvell, rubbing his head with bowling ball polish and yipping like a dog. “Anyone who says it was is full of shit. What did you say? Barack and Hillary were naked together in a cabin? I don’t know nothing, leave me alone.”
In related news, Obama continues to say that all the statements he made during the primaries that conflict with what he’s doing now shouldn’t be seen as either lies or a change of positions. “It was all preliminary stuff and you say whatever you need-to in order to get elected,” Obama reportedly said, while smoking a Marlboro he later claimed was a cheese stick. “It’s not like politicians tell the truth or anything. People know better than that. We do whatever we want to, because we can. Bill Clinton taught us that. Now Hillary and I are revisiting it. Why look so surprised?”
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