Daily Archives: January 7, 2009

Panetta to Head CIA, Milky Way Bigger than Thought, Pink Iguana Evaded Darwin

> CIA operatives baffled with Obama’s pick of budget guy to run spy agency
> Astronomers discover Milky Way is 50% larger than they thought
> Biologists spot pink iguana on Galapagos Islands, Changes evolutionary theory

Inebriated Press
January 7, 2008

Top Spy Panetta

Top Spy Panetta

Wired.com reported Monday that ex-senior CIA staffers are mystified with president-elect Obama’s pick of former House budget chairman and Clinton chief-of-staff Leon Panetta, to head the CIA.  Some are convinced Obama is pushing the agency quietly out of the way. And Associated Press reported that astronomers who thought the Milky Way was smaller than the Andromeda Galaxy now admit they were wrong, and that it’s twice the size they believed it was.  Meanwhile, Discovery says there’s a rare pink iguana on the Galapagos Islands that Darwin missed, and it’s been around for 10 million years — which alters the evolutionary theory of the iguana’s development.  Pundits say that these three developments prove that humankind doesn’t know shit about what we’re doing most of the time.

Stacy Rae-Gunn or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

Stacy Rae-Gunn or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

“Let’s face it, scientists are winging it constantly and Obama is doing the same thing with the American intelligence community.  If the election of dumb-ass comedian Al Frankin as a U.S. Senator from Minnesota wasn’t enough, now we’ve got certifiable proof that humankind is actually devolving,” said Stacy Rae-Gunn, a platinum-light piercing the darkness of foggy thought, when she’s not stripping at the Gum-Wrapper Lounge and Tax Prep Shop.  “A president doesn’t appoint a budget guy and life-long politician to the top spy job in the United States if they actually want serious spying done.  You only do that if you want the Agency to be politically correct and within budget.  Spying by its very nature isn’t politically correct.  To do this to Central Intelligence is the equivalent of putting Britney Spears in charge of NASA.  No one can deny that its change, but the agency’s mission is turned inside out.”

Not everyone agrees with Rae-Gunn.  “Barack is doing what’s necessary for sound political change and this appointment will insure that the CIA will have well-organized office meetings and won’t overspend on hors d’oeuvres or order out for pizza too much,” said someone claiming to be Vladimir Putin, a locally known fry chef and dictator wannabe, whose expertise in politics is said to rival his experience with cooking oil.  “And astronomers and biologists are always right too, it’s the iguana that caused the theory trouble and the Milky Way probably just got bigger while we were looking the other way.  None of this should cast any doubt on the certainty of evolution, the big bang theory, or the benefits of a professional comedian running the U.S. Senate or a budget guy running the CIA.  And for crying out loud stop telling me that we can’t predict global warming just because we don’t know what the weather will be next week.  Predicting next weeks weather just isn’t as important as the fact that we know conclusively what will happen to the climate a hundred years from now if we keep letting cows fart.  I’ve made up my mind so don’t try to confuse me with some silly facts.”

Wired reported that the incoming Obama administration has named Leon Panetta as its nominee for the Director of Central Intelligence. Some observers are confused, to put it mildly, about the pick. The guy — a former White House chief of staff and House Budget Committee chairman — has a reputation for being a tough, competent manager, they say. But can he really be an effective CIA chief in the cloak-and-dagger world? And what about those pledges, to keep the intelligence community out of politics?  “I find the choice of Leon Panetta to head the CIA a curious one,” said a well-connected former spy according to Wired.com. “On the one hand, if you are looking to pick a nation’s top spook, it is generally a good idea to pick someone with more than a cursory exposure to the intelligence business. It is also more than a little annoying that we can’t seem to find a CIA chief that hasn’t spent all of their adult life playing politics.”  An ex-senior CIA manager told Laura Rozen that the message of the Panetta appointment was clear: “The message is, ‘I don’t want to hear anything out of the CIA. Make it go away. No scandals. Keep it quiet,'” the former officer said. “They put over there a guy who is a political loyalist, who will keep everything nice and quiet, but who won’t know a good piece of intelligence from a shitty piece of intelligence, and wouldn’t know a good intelligence officer” from a bad one.

Milky WayAssociated Press reported that for decades, astronomers thought when it came to the major galaxies in Earth’s cosmic neighborhood, our Milky Way was a weak sister to the larger Andromeda. Not anymore. The Milky Way is considerably larger, bulkier and spinning faster than astronomers once thought, Andromeda’s equal. Scientists mapped the Milky Way in a more detailed, three-dimensional way and found that it’s 15 percent larger in breadth. More important, it’s denser, with 50 percent more mass, which is like weight. Being bigger means the gravity between the Milky Way and Andromeda is stronger. So the long-forecast collision between the neighboring galaxies is likely to happen sooner and less likely to be a glancing blow, said study author Mark Reid of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics in Cambridge, Mass. The new findings were presented Monday at the American Astronomical Society’s convention in Long Beach, Calif.

Pinky the Unfound Iguana

Pinky the Unfound Iguana

Discovery reported that when English naturalist Charles Darwin explored the Galapagos Islands in the early 1800s, he, and countless scientists since, overlooked a hefty pink iguana. Lead author of a new study Gabriele Gentile, a researcher in the Department of Biology at Tor Vergata University in Rome, took blood samples from several Galapagos iguanas, including the better-known yellow species. Gentile and his colleagues extracted DNA from the blood to illuminate how the different species are related to each other and when each emerged. Based on this study and earlier work, Gentile and his team believe that 10.5 million years ago, a common ancestor to both marine and land iguanas from Central or South America colonized the Galapagos Islands. The marine and land iguanas probably diverged at that time. Most researchers have thought that all major iguana species differentiated much later during the Pleistocene Epoch (1.8 million to 10,000 years ago). That wasn’t so, according to Gentile and his team.

Some people say that since truth and ethics are both relative and situational, it only makes sense that “facts” are also relative and arbitrary.

“No one is really who they pretend to be, whether they are rocket scientists, cashiers or Barack Obama,” said an Inebriated reporter, burping out some words while appearing to be asleep.  “The world of mass and measure, sound, fury or lunch meat is just a momentary fart in a skillet of post-election Obama-mania-euphoria. Everything is as nothing and all the world’s a stage and the players play and the dancers dance.  You can say what you want and be what you want and change into something else the day after tomorrow.  Chaos is the essence of truth and irrelevance is the heart of nature.  Everything is meaningless — except for the IRS on April 15th.  Better have your taxes in order or they’ll have your ass.”

U.S. Senator Al Franken

U.S. Senator Al Franken

In other news, the American Thinker reported Monday that after the onslaught of record breaking bitter temperatures during the last quarter of 2008, and with less wind, the amount of sea ice has significantly and dramatically rebounded at the fastest rate ever before recorded.  Currently being measured to be about where it was 29 years ago in 1979, sea ice is again as expansive and dense as it was when global cooling proponents of the time said that we were witnessing the advance of a mini ice age. Reported by the University of Illinois’s Arctic Climate Research Center, and derived from satellite observations of the Northern and Southern hemisphere polar regions, sea ice has been restored to pre-Anthropogenic Global Warming (AGW) levels.  The article said that the fantasy and absurdity of AGW is becoming laughable, and again is proven conclusively wrong.  No word on when Al Gore will have their ass for bringing up messy facts to get in the way of firm belief, but with Al Franken in the U.S. Senate, Leon Panetta managing Central Intelligence, and Marx Brothers movies for guidance, you can bet it won’t be long.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Spooks Scratch Their Heads Over Obama CIA Pick

Milky Way _ the galaxy _ not snack-sized anymore

Rare Pink Iguana Evaded Darwin

What Disappearing Sea Ice?

The Long Recount is Over

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