Sex and Booze Diet, Selling the Unabomber, and the Coming Solar Storm of Doom

> Hard Body Diet Includes Sex and Booze
> Unabomber Writings to Be Sold Online
> Powerful Solar Storm Could Shut Down U.S.

Inebriated Press
January 14, 2009

090114-hard-body-diet-includes-sex-and-boozeThe National Ledger reported last week that a new diet book called “Eat, Drink, and Be Gorgeous” says you can have your cake and eat it to.  The author says it’s too hard to stick with drastic diets and that fat-free foods take a toll on our sex lives.  She says regular helpings of sex, booze and even meat is important. And Fox News reported last week that a federal court has ordered the writings of the Unabomber be sold online with proceeds going to victims and survivors.  Meanwhile, Fox also reported that a new study from the National Academy of Sciences outlines grim possibilities on Earth from a powerful magnetic storm capable of disabling satellites, threatening astronaut safety, and even disrupting communication systems. Inebriated reporters are eagerly planning  for lots of booze and sex during the upcoming communications black-out, and the bidding war for the Unabomber writings.

090114-unabomber-manifesto“When I learned that I could become gorgeous on the sex and booze diet and then found out that solar storms were going to knock out the U.S. communication system for months, I figured it was my chance to live large in the dark and come out the other side a hotter babe than I already am now,” said Inebriated reporter Sunny Delight, a part-time writer and full-time sweet drink of female companionship.  “The Unabomber’s writing is probably something that a person who hasn’t lost their free cash in the economic down-turn might want to bid on, but it’s just so much hot air to me.  I mean the guy had to blow up stuff and kill people in order to try and get his point across.  I think the sex and booze diet will sell more copies.”

Solar storm

Solar storm

Not everyone agrees with Delight.  “The coming dark age of an electronic communication-less world will be a time of reflection for people around the earth and everyone will want to read the tome of a guy who blew people up, while they consider their own futures.  I’m sure that Al Qaeda, Hamas and other groups like them will want to read it,” said Dusty Mindbend, a vagrant and part-time explosive expert, who has been thinking a lot about becoming a radical Muslim so he can live his dreams in an ethical manner.  “Let’s face it, with Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid running things in America, that country will go so far to the left that even the Unabomber won’t like it.  We need to pull things to the radical Muslim right and ban sex, booze and the use of electric lights.  It’s a future I can believe in.”

The National Ledger reported that “Eat, Drink, and Be Gorgeous” is offered up by Esther Blum to get you on your way to that summer bikini body. “It’s quite possible to have your cake and eat it too,” argues dietitian-nutritionist Blum in this bubbly, vivacious approach to living well the healthy way. Avoiding dietary absolutes and encouraging readers to make gradual changes in their eating habits rather than drastic ones (which are often hard to keep up), Blum’s sensible guide is sure to resonate with young women. She makes compelling arguments for choosing organic foods-going so far as to list the top 12 most contaminated fruits and vegetables-and extols the virtues of grass-fed meat and dairy.”

Booze belt; be prepared

Booze belt; be prepared

“Fat-free diets have had the most awful impact on our sex lives too,” added Blum, who has run her nutrition clinic for 15 years and is a member of the American Dietetic Association and the Certification Board for Nutrition Specialists. “Women have removed fat from their diets, then been surprised when their libido is affected.”

Esther offers, “We live in a low-fat, fat-free culture, and women in particular have done their bodies a disservice, because we have disrupted our hormones to a quite phenomenal degree.”  More sex and a hard body will sound very good to many ladies, even in Hollywood.  Claims have been made that Sarah Jessica Parker has adopted the plan.

Kaczynski

Kaczynski

Fox News reported that a federal appeals court has ordered the writings of the Unabomber, Theodore Kaczynski, be sold online. Kaczynski is serving a life sentence for killing three people and injuring 23 during a nationwide bombing campaign between 1978 and 1995. The appeals court’s decision upholds a lower court ruling on the matter. Proceeds from the sale will be given to Kaczynski’s victims and their survivors. A judge had ordered Kaczynski to pay $15 million restitution. Representing himself, Kaczynski had objected to the online sale and argued that he should retain control of the papers.

Fox also reported that a new study from the National Academy of Sciences outlines grim possibilities on Earth for a worst-case scenario solar storm. The prediction is based in part on a major solar storm in 1859 that caused telegraph wires to short out in the United States and Europe, igniting widespread fires. When the sun is in the active phase of its 11-year cycle, it can unleash powerful magnetic storms that disable satellites, threaten astronaut safety, and even disrupt communication systems on Earth. The worst storms can knock out power grids by inducing currents that melt transformers.

090114_send_booze2“Impacts would be felt on interdependent infrastructures with, for example, potable water distribution affected within several hours; perishable foods and medications lost in 12-24 hours; immediate or eventual loss of heating/air conditioning, sewage disposal, phone service, transportation, fuel resupply and so on,” the report states. Outages could take months to fix, the researchers say. Banks might close, and trade with other countries might halt. “Emergency services would be strained, and command and control might be lost,” write the researchers, led by Daniel Baker, director of the Laboratory for Atmospheric and Space Physics at the University of Colorado in Boulder. The race is on for better forecasting abilities, as the next peak in solar activity is expected to come around 2012. The report was commissioned and funded by NASA. Experts from around the world in industry, government and academia participated.

Some people say that the solar storm could affect climate change on the earth and that world governments should join together and commission Theodore Kaczynski to destroy the sun and save our planet.

Someone named Stacy

Someone named Stacy

“Never mind that we’ve been having one of the coldest winters on record and that the Arctic ice is now at 1979 levels again, it’s still not cold enough to allow earth to survive the coming solar flare-up that’s going to wipe out all digital communications, power grids, baby seals and sex as we know it,” said Stacy McMasterson-Johnson, an executive secretary heavily into the booze and sex diet, sometimes having both at the same time.  “If Ted will blow up the sun I think we can still save this planet from global warming and have time to give Al Gore another award or two.  I may be a drunken nympho but I know what I’m talking about.  It’s not just Joe Biden who has a corner on television technology you know.”

Orgasmic porridge

Orgasmic porridge

In other news, OneIndia reported last week that along with a line of pills, lotions, Yoga and many other things to boost orgasm, Porridge is now an acclaimed adult breakfast cereal. ‘Morning Glory’ by Rude Health, a cereal product, has a growing number of fans including the famous cook Nigella Lawson, among others. Porridge is recommended as a good start for an early day and boosts the libido qualities.  It’s called “an orgasmic breakfast-in-bed”.  Reportedly a mixture of pumpkin seeds with zinc content “for a high-octane sex-drive boost,” barley, rye and quinoa flakes, “for a cheeky wake-up crunch,” all form the main content of the cereal. No word on whether it’s best for you when doused with booze or if it’s included in the “Eat, Drink, and Be Gorgeous” cookbook, but if the power grid goes down I’ll bet you’ll wish you have some.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Hard Body Diet Includes Sex and Booze: The Exciting Esther Blum Way
http://www.nationalledger.com/ledgerpop/article_272624461.shtml

Unabomber Writings to Be Sold Online, Court Rules
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,478644,00.html

Powerful Solar Storm Could Shut Down U.S. for Months
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,478024,00.html

What Disappearing Sea Ice?
http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2009/01/what_disappearing_sea_ice.html

Bed Breakfast Porridge Promises Orgasm
http://living.oneindia.in/insync/2009/bed-breakfast-porridge-orgasm-080109.html

Tools of the Unabomber’s trade:

090114-unabomber-manifesto-tools

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