$3,350 buys Barry’s Berry, $3.8 million buys a Virgin, $1,800 buys Bill Clinton’s TV package

> Obama ‘to get spy-proof smartphone’
> Woman auctions off her virginity
> Taxpayers foot Bill Clinton’s TV bill

Inebriated Press
January 26, 2009

Barry with Berry

Barry with Berry

CNN reported last week that President Barack “Barry” Obama is replacing his Blackberry with a spy-proof $3,350 smartphone by General Dynamics dubbed the “BarackBerry.”  And CNN reported that in a private online auction run by a Nevada brothel, the price of taking Natalie Dylan’s virginity is currently trading at $3.8 million.  Meanwhile, KHQ-Spokane reported that U.S. taxpayer’s fork over $1,800 a year to pay for former President Bill Clinton’s office satellite TV “entertainment package.”  Pundits are debating the trend in cost-return ratios during the current economic downturn while trying to sell themselves to each other for big money or political favors.

One Virgin

For Sale: One Virgin

“Everything can be had for a price, sometimes it’s in an auction, sometimes its billable hours and occasionally it’s a few bucks tucked in a g-string,” said former President Bill Clinton as he sat smelling a cigar and flipping between C-SPAN and the Playboy Channel.  “If Barry wants a cell phone that keeps him connected to George Soros all the time, I’ve got no problem with that, what’s a couple thou one-time fee and a few thou a month connectivity, hell he’s president and needs to communicate with his handler.  But that guy offering over $3 million for some broads virginity is nuts, all he’s doing is playing with a concept — must have money to burn or can’t seduce an intern — crazy bastard.  I’m sure proud of Hillary snagging the Secretary of State gig from Barry for bowing out of the campaign without stirring shit.  Like I said, everything can be had for a price.”

Not everyone thinks everything is for sale.  “You can’t buy happiness — that’s an old line but it’s true — and you can’t put a price on good health or freedom either, and you’d be an idiot or a liberal if you’re willing to trade either for political power,” said Cindy Lou-Who, from Whoville, where she trafficks in nylon, leather and asbestos, for reasons undefined.  “Some say that the best things in life are free and they’re right.  Friends, personal freedom, the love of a mother, the warm sun on a cool spring day, and the explosive death of someone you hate.  These things mean more than money.  At least they do to me and Bill Ayers.”

Sectera Edge

Sectera Edge

CNN reported that self-confessed BlackBerry addict Barack Obama may not have to kick the thumbing habit after all, despite the concerns of a notoriously technophobic White House. E-mail has long been treated with suspicion by the Secret Service because of fears it could be hacked into by foreign espionage agencies. There are also concerns that mobile devices such as BlackBerries, which contain built in GPS technology, could be hacked into, revealing the president’s location within a few feet. But according to reports last week, Obama could now be in line to receive a spy-proof alternative to his favorite toy. Writing on his blog for the Atlantic magazine, Marc Ambinder reports that the National Security Agency has approved a $3,350 smartphone — inevitably dubbed the “BarackBerry” — for Obama’s use. The exclusive Sectera Edge, made by General Dynamics, is reportedly capable of encrypting top secret voice conversations and handling classified documents.

Does she take Paypal?

Does she take Paypal?

CNN reported that Natalie Dylan, a 22-year-old from San Diego, California, said she has been offered $3.8 million for her virginity through a private online auction. Her auction through the Moonlite Bunny Ranch, a legal brothel in Nevada, has given her lots of “business opportunities,” she said. Her top bid comes from a 39-year-old Australian, but she has no immediate plans to settle the auction, she said in a recent interview with CNN. As to why men would bid so much money on virginity, she said she has no answer.  According to Laura Carpenter, assistant professor of sociology at Vanderbilt University in Tennessee, about 95 percent of Americans have sex before they’re 25. She says that worldwide, virgin prostitutes can claim large fees because certain cultures attach large dowries to virgin brides, and some women even undergo reconstructive surgery to restore their hymens.

“In a world that is teeming with brand messages, with sponsorships everywhere, intimacy is really just the next thing to go,” said Jon Ray, a 24-year-old marketing consultant in Austin, Texas.  But Audacia Ray, a 28-year-old former sex worker from New York and author of “Naked on the Internet: Hookups, Downloads and Cashing In on Internet Sexploration,” is skeptical. She views Dylan’s auction as a publicity stunt and doesn’t anticipate she’ll “continue in the industry.”

Wanna go back to my office and watch some TV?

Wanna go back to my office and watch some TV?

KHQ-Spokane reported that among the amenities American taxpayers fund to support former presidents, is rent for their office space – President Clinton’s rent in Harlem is $516,000 a year, his phone bill from the records KHQ received from 2006 cost taxpayers $104,000. We also pay for the satellite TV in his office, complete with eight separate receivers and all the movie channels that come with the “entertainment package”. Your cost? $1,800 per year. Congress regulates and approves this money for former presidents, all of which have a net worth in millions and tens of millions. In retirement, President Bill Clinton’s speaking fees earned him more than $40 million in addition to the $12 million his book deals have put in his pocket since he left office. With the budget getting bigger and bailouts in the billions, retirement has never looked scarier for many Americans, unless you can go “presidential”.

Some people say that once you win the presidency, you no longer have to live by “normal” rules.

$3.8 million

One turn: $3.8 million

“People get confused about the idea that when a president retires he returns to being a ‘regular citizen’ and starts working on memoires, cleaning sink drains and taking out the trash,” said Sandi Softt-Sqweez, a Hooters waitress and part-time nuclear phycist at the Glow-In-The-Dark Plutonium Lounge and Leather Emporium. “Basically they do whatever the hell they want and you pay for it.  I was serving chicken wings to Bill Clinton one time and he bummed a $5 bill off a secret service agent to tuck in my pants and then asked the guy if he had any condoms just in case.  Crazy bastard thought he was in some sex club VIP lounge or something.  He’s always in a VIP lounge in his head.  I guess he’s always kind of created his own reality.  Or some bullshit like that.”

Exxon CEO Tillerson

Exxon CEO Tillerson

In other news, CBS-TV 11 Dallas reported last week that ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson said gasoline prices are “too low.” Tillerson made his comment while making a charitable donation in Dallas last Wednesday. At the event, CBS 11 News photojournalist Vince Bosquez asked Tillerson to talk about gas prices. Tillerson replied, “You mean (that) they’re too low?”  Tillerson then laughed at his own comment. ExxonMobil is the most profitable company in the U.S, earning $40 billion in profit in 2007. The company earned nearly $15 billion in the third quarter of 2008. Exxon’s government filings say the company paid Tillerson just over $5 million in 2007.  As of December 10, 2008, he owned 1.1 million shares of ExxonMobil stock. At today’s price of about $77 per share, that’s roughly $86 million worth. No word on how taxpayers’ who bought over-priced ExxonMobil gas feel about that, or whether Tillerson plans to bid on Natalie Dylan’s virginity — but thanks to the hard-working gas-buying public, he could probably buy her ass if he felt like it.     

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Obama ‘to get spy-proof smartphone’
http://edition.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/01/22/obama.blackberry/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

What is virginity worth today?
http://edition.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/01/22/virginity.value/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

Wallet feeling light? The cost of supporting a president
http://www.khq.com/Global/story.asp?S=9711747

Exxon CEO Jokes Gas Prices Are “Too Low”
http://cbs11tv.com/business/gas.prices.exxon.2.914067.html

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