> Bill Clinton didn’t inhale, neither did Michael Phelps
> Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens are innocent too
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
February 9, 2009
Inebriated reporters spying on athletes and politicians from behind office drapery, beneath mattress pads and under gum wrappers say that Olympic swimmer and 14-time Olympic Medalist Michael Phelps, was framed. According to reports assembled by our Editor during a late night of heavy cigar smoking with only occasional breaks for Crown Royal, the entire marijuana bong thing was a set-up orchestrated by out-of-work Republicans bent on no good.
“It’s well known that athletes vote Democrat more often than not and while Democrat law-makers tend to rake them over the coals during various drug-related Congressional hearings, the fact is it’s a love-hate thing and the out-of-work Republicans are the real ones trying to bring down both athletes and Democrats by insinuating that they ingest the drugs they smoke, inject or swallow; and that’s just not true,” said an Inebriated reporter swallowing a quart of Canadian Club but not ingesting it. “It’s jealousy on the Republican’s part because the Democrats get all the hot chicks — like Marilyn Monroe, Beyonce and Ashley Dupré — even if Spitzer paid for her. Now they’ve got Phelps set-up on this bong thing and the reality is he only looks like he’s sucking the smoke into his lungs. If Michael had been thinking clearly at the time he would have said he wasn’t inhaling, just like Bill Clinton did. The only reason he wasn’t thinking well was because he was hopped up on Kellogg’s cereal. Now Kellogg’s is ending his contract. What irony. What a travesty.”
ABC News reported that USA Swimming has suspended the Olympian for three months and the Kellogg cereal company said that they were ending their endorsement deal with him when it’s up for renewal at the end of February. But all is not lost. Nike and Speedo don’t care and word on the street is that White Castle is interested in signing him to an endorsement deal.
According to Brand Weak, an underground public relations firm, the framing of Phelps can be turned into a positive.
“The American dope-head market is enormous and if Michael wants to go with the Olympian dope-head theme and let us develop and market it, the clouds are the limit,” exclaimed Sunny Lap-Dance, senior vice president of brand development at Brand Weak. “There are very few famous Olympic athletes that drug users can really look up to and emulate. Here we have a guy who is talented, has fourteen Olympic medals, and is a public self-professed marijuana user with munchies that drive 12,000 calories per day consumption. This is somebody that all drug users will appreciate, and let’s face it, they’ll buy whatever he tells them too. This is an opportunity that the out-of-work Republicans have handed the boy, if he’s smart enough to take it.”
In other news, Inebriated reporters say Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens are both innocent too and should be left alone. Unless they want to declare themselves drug users and sign-up with Brand Weak for muscle enhancement endorsements. Each to his own as they say. It’s all a matter of perspective.
(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com
USA Swimming Suspends Michael Phelps for 3 Months
Documents cite evidence of Bonds’ steroid use
Clemens’s DNA Is Linked to Syringes