Financially stressed? Sell bodily fluids, have your hamster generate electricity

> Weak economy boosts sales of human blood and semen
> Scientists fit hamsters with nanogenerators that produce energy

Inebriated Press
February 23, 2009

090223_blood_gas-b-wABC News reported Saturday that since the economy began to crater, Americans have been selling blood, semen, ovaries and hair to generate extra income.  And the Telegraph reported Friday that scientists have managed to harness energy-producing power from hamsters by fitting them with tiny devices that capture biomechanical energy from their bodies when they run on exercise wheels.  Some people say bodily fluids and rodents are the key to a better, brighter future … that and a little income redistribution.

“You can’t underestimate the power and importance of precious bodily fluids or hamsters when it comes time to generating stimulus cash, procreating or changing America,” said General Jack D. Ripper, a berserk character from the movie Dr. Strangelove, currently a key military and hope-and-change advisor to the Obama administration.  “Removing the life-blood, savings and equity from hard working industrious citizens and companies and giving it to people who can’t afford their sub-prime mortgages and companies who have mis-managed businesses is the best way to create a ‘fair’ society where there are no haves and have-nots, and there’s a level playing field.  Some hard working people have had greater success than slackers and drop-outs, and we have to keep moving ahead with the transfer of assets from ‘Joe the Plumber types’ to those failures.  I’m not sure about using hamsters for electricity unless PETA says its okay, but it might be alright as long as successful businesses pay for hamster distribution to needy Democrats who want them.”

For sale

For sale

Not everyone agrees with Ripper.  “If you can sell your body or parts of it for money, and generate electricity from your pets, do it.  Harnessing nature by using animal power is a historical and time-proven process, and trading your body and its parts for cash is a normal extension of the world’s oldest profession — prostitution.  Actually it’s a lot like plain-old working-for-somebody-else for a living.  Most of us are trading our lives or parts of it to others in order to earn money.  These are market driven and aren’t about social engineering at all unless you choose to make it so,” said Mary Belle Hothipps, an industrial engineer and part-time stripper at the Golden Corral Bonanza.  “To socialists everything is about ‘leveling the playing field’ to the extent that they lower the successful and capable into the same tier as the lazy or incapable.  The stimulus bill just passed by the Democrats will take years worth of earnings from the capable and give it to the incapable, and borrow from the futures of those able to generate success.  The result is a bringing down of the best and brightest while creating an artificial lifestyle for those who haven’t earned it.  This is a step backwards from true progress and represents a devolving of American society.  It’s kind of a shame really, because the Europeans who practice this approach are only able to do it because American ethics and military power is keeping them safe from tyrants.  Once the U.S. has destroyed its own economy and weakened its ethical resolve and military, who will be there to protect America?  The Canadians?  I wish.”

Modern day trader

Modern day trader

ABC News reported that desperate times call for desperate measures. Since the economy began to crater, Americans have looked inward to their very bodily fluids for a boost, selling blood, semen, even their ovaries and hair for a few extra dollars. Companies that buy and sell blood have spotted an uptick in blood donations and created marketing campaigns that encourage people to give blood in exchange for help beyond just some extra cash. Over the, summer when gas prices hit a record high, a blood bank in Las Cruces, N.M., hung a banner outside the office that advertised its offer rather plainly: “Donate plasma for gas money.”  Donations of hair and sperm are also on the rise. But while a sperm offering can return up to $200 and a yard of hair up to $2,000, they pay relatively poorly compared to young women who donate their ovaries for money — an exchange that can pay up to $10,000 or more. Though specific statistics for recent years are not yet available, fertility experts across the country have anecdotally reported an increase in egg donor applications.   

Renewable energy

Renewable energy

The Telegraph reported that Dr Zhong Lin Wang of Georgia University’s Nano Research Group developed flexible jackets that when strapped to hamsters running on an exercise wheel captures biomechanical energy released as they run.  The jackets, which are fitted with wires plugged into a nanogenerator, produce energy when they are bent and stretched. In tests one hamster named Campbell’s Dwarf produced small amounts of AC power – around one twentieth of the output of an AA battery. Although it would take 1,000 hamsters to generate enough energy to power a mobile phone, Dr Wang said the technology could have practical applications when applied to larger animals and humans. “We believe that this is the first demonstration of a live animal producing current with nano-generators,” Dr Wang said. The Doctor added that the technology could be ready to be fitted into clothes within five years. It would capture energy produced not only when humans are active, but also from smaller movements such as when people are sat at computers.

Some people say that when this new technology is combined with the billions of dollars in the Obama stimulus package earmarked for Senate majority leader and Nevada Senator Harry Reid’s high-speed train, it’s going to pay off big-time.

New stimulus workers

New stimulus workers

“When the Obama-Reid high speed train is running between Los Angeles and Las Vegas it will be hauling L.A. residents to the worlds biggest bodily fluid collection-place and energy generating system that’ll rival the Hoover dam in power and fluid management.  And this economy will turn around on a dime,” said someone claiming to be Howard Hughes, an inventor, genius and recluse often considered dead, but only because he’s had a funeral.  “Once the legal brothels of Nevada use hookers to collect bodily fluids while wearing wires plugged into nanogenerators so that their movements create electricity, we’ll have a one-stop shop where paying customers will be generating electricity and providing bodily fluids for sale all while having a good time.  You can’t beat a system that can power cities and collect fluids for science while creating new jobs and providing a sexual service for people who want it.  Some individuals are confused about how a few billion dollars to put in high speed rail from L.A. to Las Vegas can be simulative to the economy, but those folks underestimate the powerful combination of sex and science.  We’re talking about new wealth and job creation plus renewable energy without greenhouse gases.  This is a perfect example of the Obama stimulus plan.  People get screwed and money is spread around.  What’s confusing about that?”

In other news, the Scottish Sun reported Friday that tooth decay is now the third most common reason children are admitted to UK hospitals, according to officials.  Nearly 37,000 kids a year are hospitalized with bad cavities — topped only by those with chest infections and premature tots. Tories blamed a lack of NHS dentists, saying many went private when new Government contracts were launched in 2006. Minister Mike Penning said: “Labour’s decade in charge has resulted in a significant deterioration in dental health.” Dr Nick Goodwin of The King’s Fund health think-tank added: “Dentists are leaving the NHS in droves.”  No word on how soon Obama will have this type of quality national health care operating in the U.S. but once the high speed train is done and the Census Bureau has been transferred to White House political control, we can expect the progress to keep speeding up.

(C) 2009

Source articles:

In the Red! Give Blood, Get Career Advice

Hamsters in jackets harnessed for energy

Tooth-rot children fill up our hospitals

New scrutiny for stimulus
… an allocation for high-speed trains went from $300 million in the House version to $2.25 billion in the Senate version to $8 billion in the midnight conference version — with no explanation. Suspicion lingers that a large part of the funds will pay for a Disneyland-to-Las Vegas high-speed train venture supported by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev.

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