The Church of Sex, The Coed Cartwheel Killer, and How to Win New Contracts by Defrauding the Government

> The Phoenix Goddess Temple sells faith; the sex is free
> Killer coed turns cartwheels in police station after murder
> Companies that defraud the U.S. Government get new contracts

Inebriated Press
March 3, 2009

Faith

Faith

The Arizona Republic reported last week that police investigated a sexually oriented temple operating in Scottsdale after neighbors complained that it was a house of prostitution.  And Fox News reported last week that an Italian investigator testified in the murder trial of an American student saying the American turned cartwheels in the police station after the killing.  Meanwhile, Associated Press reported that companies that defrauded the United States and jeopardized American lives, received new government deals, despite rulings designed to stop them from receiving federal contracts.  Pundits are debating the benefits of sex as religion, murder as exercise, and fraud as a government approved practice.

Chicago style needs your money

Chicago style needs your money

“Hope and change baby, that’s my Obama-centric mantra and when I’m not worshiping Barack I’m banging a priestess for spiritual therapy down at the Phoenix Temple.  I’d start killing folks for exercise too, but you can only get away with that in California and I can’t afford the taxes so I don’t live there,” said Tiny Timm-Thumbnaile, a New Age weight lifter and hula-hoopist, who bases reality on breakfast cereal and random thoughts.  “I tried to get a government contract for $500 hammers and toilet seats, but the deal was already taken by another guy who only charges $1,000 each.  Guess those are the breaks in a free market like this one.”

Someone named Betty

Someone named Betty

Not everyone is so sure current trends are really representative of an open and free market.  “You want to sell sex, do it in Nevada where it’s legal, not in Arizona where you have to call it a religion.  And while killing women as exercise is fine in Muslim countries, it’s generally frowned upon in Italy and the U.S., so you gotta cut that shit out,” said Betty Debbie-Heartthrobb, a paralegal paranormal who sees life metaphysically so she can ignore most of the illegal stuff going on around her.  “There’s a lot of stuff that needs fixing in this old world, not the least of which is the ongoing government contract deals with the same companies that keep screwing the country.  Every time I see a poll come out that says folks think Obama is the greatest and I see that the Federal government is still doing dumb shit only in bigger more expensive ways, I think there’s not much hope for this country.  But I guess now that sex and big government are religions all my Vegas trips will be business related tax deductions.  So at least I’ve got that going for me.”

$204 per hour priestess

$204 per hour priestess

The Arizona Republic reported that police have investigated a sexually oriented temple operating in a downtown Scottsdale home after complaints from neighbors. Scottsdale police spokesman Sgt. Mark Clark said police visited the Phoenix Goddess Temple last week to investigate a complaint that it was a house of prostitution but could not determine if the allegations were true. The temple has drawn police attention because its tenets connect spirituality and sexuality and it employs sexual healers and teaches its members about tantric sexual techniques. “It’s perceived as a sex church,” Priestess Elise said. The 48-year-old priestess was unapologetic about the temple and its views on sex, which she said are far more enlightened than those of most other religions. A citizen’s complaint to police alleges that prices listed at the temple say services are $204 for one hour and $440 for 2 1/2 hours but do not say what those services are. “I’m totally sincere in saying this is a spiritual endeavor,” Elise said. “Tantra is the most ancient religion on the planet.” The practices of the Phoenix Goddess Temple have alarmed neighbors, but it was traffic and parking issues that first sparked complaints to the city in the fall.

Cartwheeling Coed Killer able to cope

Cartwheeling Coed Killer able to cope

Fox News reported that Italian investigators testified Friday in the murder trial of an American student and her former boyfriend, with one saying the American turned cartwheels in the police station after the killing. A court in Perugia, in central Italy, heard testimony from detectives who inspected the apartment where 21-year-old Meredith Kercher, a Briton, was found stabbed to death on Nov. 2, 2007. Kercher’s roommate, University of Washington student Amanda Knox, and Knox’s Italian former boyfriend, Raffaele Sollecito, are charged with murder and sexual violence. Prosecutors allege that Kercher was killed during what began as a sex game, with Sollecito holding her by the shoulders from behind while Knox touched her with the point of a knife. They say Guede tried to sexually assault Kercher and then Knox fatally stabbed her in the throat.

Associated Press reported that companies that defrauded the United States and jeopardized American lives received new government work despite rulings designed to stop them from receiving federal contracts, government investigators report. Payments went to a company whose president tried to sell nuclear bomb parts to North Korea, a company that jeopardized lives on the aircraft carrier USS John F. Kennedy, and a seller of body armor that the Air Force said was defective. The investigators found a staggering list of offenses by companies awarded new contracts. They found use of fictitious Social Security numbers, massive tax fraud, delivery of faulty parts for the military, false filings with the Securities and Exchange Commission, use of insider information to bid on federal contracts, and Medicare fraud.  The Government Accountability Office blamed some of the mistakes on faulty computer searches by officials who left out commas or periods, but investigators said that the U.S. Army deliberately continued a contract with a German company, Optronic GmbH, whose president was convicted in Germany for attempting to illegally ship dual aluminum tubes to North Korea. The equipment can be used in the development of nuclear bombs. The Army paid the company $31 million under the contract, including $4 million after it was placed on the exclusion list.

Some people say that relativity is what relativity does.

Peace is a relative thing

Peace is a relative thing

“There are no hard and fast rules anymore, we’re in an enlightened new Obamamanian Age where children who survive botched abortions will be left to die and companies that actively work against American interests are funded by taxpayers.  This is a new era where the irresponsible are finally rewarded and hard working people at last get screwed over the way they deserve,” said some guy who wondered past stealing my cigars and Crown Royal thinking they were parting gifts.  “Darn right Obama is sending $900 million to Hamas, conducted his first TV interview with Jihadist television and hangs with anti-Americans like Reverend Wright and Bill Ayers – the Pentagon bomber.  These are new days and times of hope.  It’s taken a while, but finally the juvenile delinquents, the tax cheats and Chicago gangsters are in charge. But don’t worry, you’ll be okay.  Just pay the extortion money and you’ll get along just fine.  It’s the Chicago way.  Trust me.”

In other news, United Press International reported last week that United Arab Emirates officials blocked a YouTube cartoon from Israel, featuring two Muslim boys who deflect their father’s efforts to make them suicide bombers. Officials said the cartoon is anti-Islam and racist toward Arabs, al-Arabiya reported. No word on why someone stopping Arab kids from blowing the shit out of innocent people is such a bad thing, but  with Obama sending 900 million U.S. taxpayer dollars to the  Palestinians, that’s bound to make them feel a little better.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Neighbors complain about sexually-oriented temple
http://www.azcentral.com/community/scottsdale/articles/2009/02/26/20090226sr-realestate0227.html

Police: Coed Slay Suspect Knox Did Cartwheels After Murder
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,501776,00.html

Firms defraud government but get new US contracts
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/B/BANNED_CONTRACTORS?SITE=MTBIL&SECTION=TOP_STORIES&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

UAE blocks Israeli cartoon from YouTube
http://www.upi.com/Top_News/2009/02/26/UAE_blocks_Israeli_cartoon_from_YouTube/UPI-11801235703680/

U.S. offers $900 million to Palestinians
http://edition.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/03/02/mideast.clinton/

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