Milky Way Goldilocks, Craigslist Hookers and, Designer Vaginas the Art form

> Quest for the ‘Goldilocks zone’ in Milky Way
> Cook County sues Craigslist over prostitution ads
> British sculptor needs 20 plaster-casts of women’s vaginas for project

Inebriated Press
March 9, 2009

Goldilocks

Goldilocks

CNET News reported Friday that NASA’s Kepler satellite was launched into space to keep watch on a select patch of the Milky Way in an attempt to find a planet that in Goldilocks parlance, is “just right” to support life. And PC World reported Thursday that the Cook County Sheriff’s department, which encompasses Chicago, filed a lawsuit against Craigslist, charging it with facilitating prostitution. Meanwhile, The Sun reported Thursday that artist Jamie McCartney of Brighton Body Casting, has appealed for 20 women to visit his studios so he can make plaster-cast models of their vaginas for a ‘Design a Vagina’ sculpture.  Drunken hoot owls and Wall Street traders are contemplating new investment strategies and think prostitutes, vaginal art and staring into space will beat the Dow Jones Industrial Average over the next four years and maybe beyond.

“We’re in a new era of hope and change and $20 trillion dollar spending, and investments that paid off during the fuddy-duddy years of hard work, personal responsibility and common sense no longer matter in the new Obamanomic economy,” said Marjorie Maxim-Thighmaster, an investment adviser and part time stripper at the Hapless Parrot and Madoff Monkey Lounge.  “We have to look at new approaches to investing.  We believe that a well balanced portfolio now consists of direct investment in hookers and vaginal art with equal parts of staring off into space.  We’re having a little trouble modeling the future returns projections, but we’ve got all the fine print figured out, so we’re making progress.  We know Obama’s plans will destroy industry, initiative and our economy, but we think stuff related to sex and lethargy has a shot at surviving.”

Milky Way or Your 401k?

Milky Way or Your 401k?

Not everyone agrees with Maxim-Thighmaster.  “It’s disappointing that some people don’t have confidence in president Obama to do what’s right for them, and are thinking that their future is doomed because it only lies in sex and a semi comatose state — as though that’s a bad thing.  I lived most of the 1960s like that and it refined my personality and the genius of my outlook,” said Nancy Pelosi, the current U.S. Speaker of the House and a part time jack-in-a-box when seated behind Obama in Congress and darn near everyplace else she’s near him.  “We Democrats have set out to change America and it’s only the deluded people on the right who thought we might not do it.  Americans voted for change and they’re going to get it whether they understood what that meant or not.  We won and we’re in power, and we’ll do everything we can to change America and defy its out-of-date constitution.  The twenty trillion dollars in spending and the twenty-five percent drop in the Dow over the last couple weeks is only the first step.  We’ll redistribute wealth and what we can’t redistribute we’ll destroy.  Americans will become dependent on the Obama Oligarchy and will be all the better for it.  It’s just the simple people still clinging to god-and-guns, common sense and personal freedom who don’t understand how good this is for them.”

The Kepler Region

The Kepler Region

CNET News reported that NASA’s Kepler satellite is headed out to keep watch on a patch of the Milky Way for at least three and a half years. Unlike the Hubble space telescope, Kepler won’t be taking brilliant pictures suitable for framing. Instead, it will look for minute changes in the brightness of stars–some 100,000 of them–that would indicate a planet passing in front. Of all the planets Kepler eventually finds, what NASA is most interested in are planets like Earth. That is, it’s looking for rocky orbs–from half as large to twice as large as our big blue marble–in the habitable zone around a given star where conditions might be amenable to folks like us, or at least some of our fellow earthly organisms. In the vastness of the universe, there are likely to be nearly countless planets. The big question for humans, of course, is whether even a single one of them could support life.  Will we find a “Goldilocks zone” in the Milky Way?  Kepler will try.

Some services may find upturn in downturn

Some services may find upturn in downturn

PC World reported that the second largest sheriff’s department in the U.S. filed a lawsuit against Craigslist last Thursday, charging the online classifieds site with facilitating prostitution. The Cook County Sheriff’s department, which encompasses Chicago, asks the court to force Craigslist to close its erotic services section and pay damages for the money the police have spent monitoring the forum and pursuing suspects. “To say Craigslist’s ‘erotic services’ forum makes prostitution accessible is an understatement. While Defendant does not profit from erotic services per se, erotic services is the catalyst behind Craigslist being the ninth most popular website in the country,” the lawsuit, filed in the U.S. District Court for the northern district of Illinois, reads. Between January and November 2008, Cook County police arrested 156 people via Craigslist erotic services ads, the suit said. Officers spent 3,120 hours working on the arrests for a cost of over $105,000, according to the suit. In a statement, Craigslist said it hasn’t yet seen the complaint.

Artist and Model prep for deeper things

Artist and Model prep for deeper things

The Sun reported that an artist has appealed for 20 women to visit his studios so he can make plaster-cast models of their vaginas. Jamie McCartney of Brighton Body Casting already has 180 in the bag, but wants another 20 to complete the sculpture, which comments on the trend for surgically altered ‘designer vaginas’. Mr McCartney said: “I am offering women the last chance to be 1/200th of art history in the making.” The artist’s ‘Design a Vagina’ sculpture is due to be unveiled in May at the Brighton Fringe. The casts already taken have come from women ranging in age from 18 to 64.

Some people say “give a woman the right vagina and she will rule the world.”

“The old days of using levers to move things and hard work to build wealth are gone,” said Helga Tubulartract-Squared, Director of the Association for Fiscal Irresponsibility and Hard Core Plaster Casting.  “In the new economy banging your way to success is not only practical its a modern return-on- investment tool.  Archimedes has been replaced by ACORN and the lever by female anatomy.  And it’s not like old school ‘gold digging’ because we use new techniques; it’s more like entrepreneurial mining.  We’d rule the world already if we didn’t get PMS every thirty days and temporarily lose our minds.  At least it’s not a permanent condition like most of the men I know.”

Good Clean Fun exotic maid service

Good Clean Fun exotic maid service

In other news, CNEWS reported Friday that a new cleaning service features young women clad in French maid outfits, red stilettos and fishnet stockings. “They do the same job as regular cleaners, but they look fantastic doing it,” said Elise Skoglund, owner of Good Clean Fun exotic maid service, which opened up shop in Edmonton [Canada] last fall. For $125 an hour, a sexy maid will do everything from dusting the TV to wiping the counters, but toilets are a no-go zone. Skoglund explained that since the maid is already dressed in skimpy clothes and high heels, getting down on her hands and knees to clean the toilet would cross the line into degrading territory. No word on whether they’ve had plaster casts made of their vaginas or if they’re on Craigslist, but chances are they’re a better investment than General Motors and beat staring into space.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Article sources:

Kepler: Finding a ‘Goldilocks zone’ in the Milky Way
http://news.cnet.com/8301-11386_3-10190587-76.html

Cook County Sues Craigslist Over Prostitution Ads
http://www.pcworld.com/article/160803/cook_county_sues_craigslist_over_prostitution_ads.html

It’s the vagina model-ogues
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2296504.ece

‘Exotic’ maids naughty and neat
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2009/03/06/8649591-sun.html

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