U.S. Backs Taliban Political Party and Kangaroos Break Out of Zoo

> U.S. Ambassador to Afghanistan says Taliban political party a good idea
> Kangaroos Escape from French zoo, remain at large

Inebriated Press
March 24, 2009

Kangaroos or Diplomats?

Kangaroos or Diplomats?

United Press International reported Sunday that a U.S. diplomat says the United States has sanctioned a political party for the Taliban in Afghanistan as part of a new political strategy.  And Agence France-Presse reported that 15 kangaroos escaped an Australian theme park in southern France and 3 are still on the loose.  Pundits are debating whether the three kangaroos are currently managing U.S. foreign policy, and whether that’s a bad thing.

Someone named Sandy

Someone named Sandy

“I’d never given it much thought before, but after U.S. Secretary of State Clinton told the Chinese not to worry about the U.S. Treasury Bills they owned because trillions of dollars in new debt won’t create inflation, and President Obama sent a letter to the Russians offering to drop European missile defense if they have a chat with Iran about slowing nuclear development,” I’m thinking that if the French kangaroos aren’t currently running U.S. foreign policy, they probably should be, it’d be an improvement,” said Sandy Mandy-Steelfile, an iron worker and part-time political theorist, who enjoys zoo animals but not when they’re elected to Congress.  “And Obama’s recent overture to the Iranians saying he wanted to start over diplomatically with them and they said fine, here are our crazy terms.  He’s an embarrassment.  Make the Taliban a political party now too?  What the hell, I guess the Republicans can’t beat the Democrats, maybe the Taliban will.  Is that a good thing?”

Someone named Neville with Friend

Someone named Neville with Friend

Not everyone has a problem with Obama’s foreign policy efforts.  “Look, Obama is a community organizer so he nurses grievances and then gets monetary solutions from government to solve things; that’s his experience and method of operation.  Iran, Russia, China, they already have issues, so Barack is just working his way around to a plan where he can take U.S. taxpayer funds and pay these countries whatever they want so they’ll like him and say nice things about us,” said Neville Dishpan-Fiberglass, Executive Director of the Foreign Policy Institute of Random Planning and Unusual Outcomes.  “We’ve already done some computer modeling of this approach and it’s been proven to be highly effective.  We’re not certain how the U.S. economy will generate $5 trillion dollars per year for each country that America is currently negotiating with, but we think if we increase corporate taxes to 90% and tax wealthy Americans at a 75% rate if they make over $10,000 per year, we’ll be able to make a dent in it.  But hey, peace in our time runs into money, and money makes the world go round.  Or some such bullshit.  I think that’s in the model too someplace.”

Finally some politicians who will give it to you straight

Finally some politicians who will give it to you straight

UPI reported that the United States is prepared to discuss the establishment of a political party for the Taliban in Afghanistan, a U.S. diplomat says. William Wood, the outgoing U.S. ambassador to Afghanistan, says the sanctioning of such a party is part of a political strategy to go along with beefed-up military efforts to end the seemingly intractable conflict. Wood said “insurgencies, like all wars … end when there is an agreement,” and while cautioning there was no way the United States could sanction “power-sharing or an enclave” for the Taliban, “there is room for discussion on the formation of political parties (or) running … for elections.” The ambassador said a political party would have to come along with a requirement that the Taliban would respect the Afghanistan constitution.

Caucusing for change

Caucusing for change

AFP reported that vandals set loose 15 kangaroos from an Australian theme park in southern France, sparking a major search operation, with three marsupials still on the loose. “When we arrived on Saturday morning, five pens had been broken open, their padlocks were smashed and the perimeter fence was torn in several places,” said Carole Masson, owner of the nature reserve in southwestern Carcassonne. “We had 15 missing kangaroos – it was complete panic. We found five in the park, and some more in the woods nearby. But three are still out there somewhere.” Firefighters, police and gendarmes were mobilized to track down the animals as they bounded through the woods. Masson said that a warning has gone out to local drivers for fear the animals could stray onto a nearby highway.

Some people say that wild kangaroos and U.S. government bureaucracy are America’s best hopes for economic strength and world peace.

Someone named Babbs

Someone named Babbs

“If kangaroos were in charge of foreign policy, they’d make sure that all animals would roam free and free animals are happy animals and that would make a huge difference among Iranians and Russians who want to wipe out Jews or wreck the U.S. economy,” said Babb’s Hornbottom, a professional weight-lifter and occasional postal recipient.  “And the entrenched U.S. government bureaucracy with all the lazy bureaucrats, aren’t going to get around to implementing all of Obama’s spending plans until his second term, at the earliest.  That should enable the U.S. economy to dodge some of the stupid programs Obama is rolling out and give the Republican controlled Congress a chance to fix things when they’re in power in two years.  No doubt in my mind that wild kangaroos and lethargic bureaucrats are going to bail America out.  If we can keep some guy from the Taliban Party from winning the White House in four years, we could turn this thing around yet.”

090324-husbandprojectIn other news, UPI reported Sunday that a 23-year-old British college student says she’s incorporating her hunt for a husband into a work of art called The Husband Project. Alex Humphrey says her efforts to find a spouse will form part of her degree from Leeds College of Art and Design. The project is scheduled to end in three months with Humphrey including her marriage certificate in her final art presentation, reported The Sunday Times of London. “I don’t want to wake up when I’m 30 and think: oh my God, I’m on my own,” said Humphrey, noting she is “looking for a relationship, not just a shag.” No word on how the Taliban Party feels about this approach to marriage, but reportedly three out of fifteen kangaroos say if it works, more power to her.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source documents:

Taliban political party being considered
http://www.upi.com/Top_News/2009/03/22/Taliban_political_party_being_considered/UPI-68201237732734/

Kangaroos escape from French zoo
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25227073-23109,00.html

Woman turns husband hunt into art project
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/03/22/Woman_turns_husband_hunt_into_art_project/UPI-87631237744791/

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