Radioactive Chinese Balls; Russian Arctic Military Force; and, Drug Tests for Welfare Recipients

> Chinese Search for Missing Caesium-137 Ball
> Russia plans to create Arctic military force
> States consider drug tests for welfare recipients

Inebriated Press
April 1, 2009

Chinese BallBBC News reported last week that Chinese officials are hopeful that they’ve found a missing ball of deadly radioactive material that was lost when workers at a cement plant demolished an old factory. And Breitbart reported that Russia is planning to create a dedicated military force to protect its interests in the Arctic.  Meanwhile, Associated Press reported that lawmakers in at least eight states want recipients of food stamps, unemployment benefits or welfare to submit to random drug testing.  Some unemployed pundits say rules on welfare should be relaxed, the U.S. should give Russia whatever they want, and at certain times each month their balls may be radioactive if not Chinese.

Harold, or a reasonable facsimile

Harold, or a reasonable facsimile

“I was up all night drinking and thinking about the need for Obama to enlarge the stimulus package so I can get plenty of cash and have my balls tested for radioactivity,” said Harold Izad-Azwipe, an occasional writer of irrelevance and intrigue, whose missive ‘Chinese Dogs and Barking Acrobats’ is required reading by the Russian Arctic Totalitarian Security Team (RATS-Team).  “You can’t be too careful about stuff like that, what with the Chinese losing their radioactive balls and Russians planning to conquer the Arctic.  And this crap about drug testing the unemployed just isn’t fair.  How we blow our welfare money is our own business.  Let the government control private sector salaries and bonuses and leave us government dependents alone.  We give the Obama administration power you know, the least they can do is let us blow taxpayer cash the way we feel like.”

Someone named Anne

Someone named Anne

Not everyone thinks like Izad-Azwipe.  “The Russians have no more claim on the Arctic than Canada or the U.S., and if the Chinese collect enough radioactive material and have the balls, they’ll take the Arctic and no one will be able to stop them,” said Anne Maine-Monolith, a restaurateur, provocateur and downright hot piece of womanhood.  “People had better watch those crazy Russians though; they’re always up to something.  I’m not sure if the Chinese have radioactive balls or not, but some of them walk kind of funny.  Maybe that’s just some drugs talking, good thing I run my own business and aren’t subject to drug tests.  Ha.”

BBC News reported last Friday that Chinese officials say that potentially deadly radioactive material lost in north-western Shaanxi province may have been found at a steel mill. Officials told the BBC that they had detected what may be the missing Caesium-137, adding that it may have been melted down. The Caesium-137, encased in lead, was lost this week when workers at a cement plant demolished an old factory. The material was part of a measuring instrument and is extremely dangerous. Caesium-137 is a radioactive isotope, formed mainly through nuclear fission. The smallest amount can cause infertility, cancer and even death. The BBC’s Quentin Sommerville in Beijing says China has an appalling record on industrial safety – there are around 30 cases of radioactive material being lost every year.

Russian SoldiersBreitbart reported Friday that Russia is planning to create a dedicated military force to help protect its interests in the disputed Arctic region. The presidential Security Council has released a document outlining government policy for the Arctic that includes creating a special group of military forces. The report was released this week and reported by Russian media on Friday. Russia, the United States, Canada and other northern countries are trying to assert jurisdiction over the Arctic. The dispute has intensified amid growing evidence that the shrinking polar ice is opening up new shipping lanes and allowing natural resources to be tapped.

Another gratuitous Anne pic

Another gratuitous Anne pic

Associated Press reported Thursday that Lawmakers in at least eight states want recipients of food stamps, unemployment benefits or welfare to submit to random drug testing. The effort comes as more Americans turn to these safety nets to ride out the recession. Poverty and civil liberties advocates fear the strategy could backfire, discouraging some people from seeking financial aid and making already desperate situations worse. Those in favor of the drug tests say they are motivated out of a concern for their constituents’ health and ability to put themselves on more solid financial footing once the economy rebounds. But proponents concede they also want to send a message: you don’t get something for nothing.

Nine out of ten Obama supporters say they want something for nothing, and most guys interviewed said they want chicks for free.

Russian chicks for free?

Russian chicks for free?

“I want something for nothing, chicks for free, and naturally for the government to pay for my MTV,” said Blu Dong-Wan, an unemployed half-wit that just missed being appointed U.S. Attorney General by President Obama, and would have been if he’d had more consonants in his name.  “The Russians can have the Arctic if they want it, and the Chinese can have as many balls between their legs as radioactivity will generate.  What do I care?  I’m part of the new America.  Give Barack a couple more years and everyone will be like me.  I’m the leading edge baby: the new citizen.”

Edd, the New Citizen

Edd, the New Citizen

In other news, Scripps Interactive reported Friday that a man accused of pouring chili on his girlfriend and ripping off her bra following an argument involving television watching is facing charges, according to a Martin County Florida Sheriff’s Office report released Friday. The 26-year-old victim told investigators her boyfriend, with whom she has two children and is nine weeks pregnant, came home Thursday evening and wanted to watch TV in their bedroom. She asked him to watch TV in the other room.  At that point, “Edd … grabbed at (the victim’s) bra which tore off of her,” the report states. “Edd then poured … chili … on (the victim)”.  No word on how Edd feels about the Russians or Chinese, but he probably believes he’s on America’s leading edge: the new citizen.  God help us all.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Chinese ‘find’ radioactive ball
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7967285.stm
 
Russia plans to create Arctic military force
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D976C8E01&show_article=1

States consider drug tests for welfare recipients
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/S/STATES_WELFARE_WITH_STRINGS?SITE=WBBMAM&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

Stuart man accused of pouring chili on girlfriend during argument
http://www.tcpalm.com/news/2009/mar/27/stuart-man-accused-pouring-chili-girlfriend-during/

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