Hubble Telescope Spots Marilyn Monroe

> High tech device sees through time
> NASA debates time travel concept
> Philosophers argue “saving Marilyn”

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Inebriated Press Tabloid Division
April 2, 2009

Marilyn, Hot & Happy

Marilyn, Hot & Happy

Scientists at NASA have discovered that Marilyn Monroe is alive and well.  This stunning fact was uncovered last week by Inebriated Press Science/Investigative reporter Hakeem Spitim.  While researching the recent Hubble mission, Spitim unwittingly unearthed a secret research center at NASA that has remained hidden for decades.  And with the discovery, comes amazing new facts about the Hubble Telescope Program and the nature of NASA’s research into time and space travel.  And that includes the unusual discovery made just last week that Marilyn Monroe is alive, well and living in 1955; but may be able to travel to 2009.

Hubble

Hubble

A researcher in NASA’s “X-File’s” division, speaking on condition of anonymity, told Inebriated Press that while looking at the edges of dark matter rings around galaxies, Hubble’s’ gaze refracted off an unidentified object and began displaying portions of earth and its activity, during a period in the mid-1950’s.  With careful programming adjustments designed to avoid losing the refraction and images, researchers were able to direct Hubble’s focus and spotted Marilyn Monroe lying next to a swimming pool in 1955, just as her career was really taking off.  She was described as being in good health and according to one scientist was “hot as hell.”  Some pundits are debating whether Hubble has really found Marilyn across time and space, while others argue over the ethical implications and if present day scientists should try to “save her” from bad marriages and suicide.

"Some Like it Wet"

"Some Like it Wet"

“I’ve seen a lot of Marilyn Monroe movies and I know it’s her and we have to save her.  It’s the right thing to do, for her personally and for the entertainment industry, it’s just good all the way around,” said Thomas Aquinas-Fiberlite, a researcher into ethical antiquity and part-time bouncer at the Planetary Emporium and Strip Club.  “NASA should be outfitting the shuttle Atlantis right now with components that allow it to follow the visual trajectory that Hubble has mapped.  We need to either snatch her from 1955 and bring her here into advanced psychotherapy, or send someone there to help her.  We know what will happen to her if nothing is done and it’s unethical for us to stand buy and just let it happen to her.  She doesn’t understand what she’s doing.”

Innocent? Doomed? Salvageable?

Innocent? Doomed? Salvageable?

Not everyone agrees with Aquinas-Fiberlite.  “First off I don’t believe NASA has a secret division that’s looking into 1955 on purpose or by accident.  And if they did have one that could do that, it would be improper and risky to go back in time and screw around with the era, or Marilyn Monroe,” said Stacy Lacy-Thighmaster, Executive Director of the Fire Swamp and Ethical Morass Weightlifters Club and Museum.  “Even if we could go back in time and talk with Marilyn and she believed us, do you really think she would do anything different?  She’s a product of her time and her difficult past.  She makes the decisions that affect her future now, or then, and she can – or could — make things better or worse for herself by each action she takes, err … took?  Gradually, decision after decision, she shapes her future and we can’t do anything to change that.  I suppose we could kidnap her and bring her back to this century, but then what?  She’d be richer and more famous than ever, but would that make her happier?  Sometimes life just sucks and what you do makes it worse.  Better to enjoy life the best you can and find help if you need it.  There’s no magic fixes available from NASA’s secret time travel program — if it even exists.  Shit this is confusing.”

Marilyn in Playboy 1953In related news, MGM is said to be negotiating a deal with NASA to allow a present day MGM executive to time-travel and visit with Monroe, hoping to convince her to come to 2009 and produce new movies.  It’s rumored that competing entertainment industry companies are trying to derail the effort and replace it with deals of their own.  Reportedly Playboy Enterprises has lawyers evaluating the deal that put Monroe on the cover of their magazine in 1953 to see if she may still be under contract.

Salma

Salma

NASA officials have repeatedly denied the Hubble / Marilyn Monroe report, and NASA Administrator Michael Griffin recently issued a statement declaring, “Actually I’m kind of into Salma Hayek.”

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source documents:

Hubble finds dark matter rings around galaxies
http://media.www.jhunewsletter.com/media/storage/paper932/news/2009/03/26/Science/Hubble.Finds.Dark.Matter.Rings.Around.Galaxies-3685044.shtml

Atlantis finally go for Hubble mission
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/03/26/atlantis_roll_out/

Marilyn Monroe – From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marilyn_Monroe

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