Philadelphia Eagles sign Mary Lou Retton

> New Player is Small but Speedy
> If McNabb throws her with the ball, is it a completion if she lands in-bounds?
> Chicago Bears ponder signing Chinese women gymnasts

Inebriated Press Tabloid Division
April 9, 2009

Eagles new WR

Eagles new WR

The National Football League’s Philadelphia Eagles have signed U.S. Olympic Gold Medalist Mary Lou Retton to a one-year contract at the minimum base salary but heavy with incentives.  That’s the word from Inebriated tabloid and occasional sports reporter Misty Morning-Mayhem as she Twittered the sports-news flash from a strip club changing-room where she works part-time.  According to her inside scoop, gleaned from an assistant coach who refused to disclose his name or marital status, the Eagles believe the tiny but perky woman will add a “unique” dimension both on the field and in the locker room.  Reports from Chicago indicate that negotiations are underway to sign several Chinese women gymnasts to that NFL club, in order to provide Jay Cutler some springy new targets.  ESPN analysts are scoffing at the reports and think they can come up with something better.
 

Someone named Misty

Someone named Misty

“Sure there’s very little to report on right now other than basketball and for a lot of folks that’s a drag, and yes it’s been a long winter and it’s time to get outside and have some fun, but that’s no reason to invent silly stories about female gymnasts in guys locker rooms, or create an entire magazine issue dedicated to nothing but half naked women like SI does,” said an ESPN official, pretending he knows what he’s talking about.  “The Mary Lou Retton thing sounds like the time the St. Louis Browns baseball club had the 3 foot 7 inch tall Eddie Gaedel bat against the Tigers.  It’ just a crazy stunt.  Although it’s true that the Tigers did walk Gaedel, and the Browns got a lot of publicity, so I suppose that was something.  Still, I can’t believe the Eagles would stoop that low. Pardon the pun.”

Bears recruits

Bears recruits

Morning-Mayhem insists that the story is true and said she’d “fill us in” more after she is done with her stripping routine.  Inebriated Press decided to get the jump on the competition by not waiting for details and now you have the hottest piece of sports facts in front of you, thanks to our speed, efficiency and gullibility.  In the meantime, it’s important that we ponder the new trends in the NFL and recognize that it’s a copycat league and the story about the Bears signing 15-year-old female Chinese gymnasts is probably also true. And it’s likely that U.S. gymnastic Olympian Shawn Johnson is actually being stalked by an NFL recruiter. 

Stalked by the NFL

Stalked by the NFL

We’ll probably know more later, but in case we don’t, who the hell cares?  It’s enough that you get to see Shawn in a bikini, right?  Mmmm abs …

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Barely related source article:

The trade that decided a division
Posted by ESPN.com’s Kevin Seifert
http://myespn.go.com/blogs/nfcnorth/0-10-22/The-trade-that-decided-a-division.html

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