No Waterboarding, No Sex Tax, No People of Color

> CIA to decommission all waterboarding sites
> Nevada drops proposed $5 sex tax
> Funeral home sued after black man switched for white woman

Inebriated Press
April 13, 2009

Bunny RanchThe Boston Globe reported Friday that the CIA has announced it is decommissioning all “black sites” where terrorism suspects were questioned and three were waterboarded.  And Associated Press reported Friday that the Nevada Senate Taxation Committee has voted down a proposal to levy a $5 tax on legal and illegal sex acts in the State.  Meanwhile, the Houston Chronicle reported last Wednesday that a family is suing a funeral home after it mixed up the body of their black relative and switched it with a white woman.  Pundits say that the Obama European Tour has completed the solution to all the world’s problems and now there are no terrorists to question, no need to tax sex, and no need for affirmative action because no one can tell the difference between black and white.

Someone named Monica

Someone named Monica

“With the Obama Administrations official announcement that there will no longer be references to a ‘war on terror’ and the presidents bowing and scraping before the Saudi King, and U.S. willingness to let Iran go nuclear now, there is no need to have facilities where we ask people suspected as terrorists any questions,” said Monica Maidrite-Playtex, a community organizer and activist, currently the senior advisor to the U.S. Department of Defense.  “There are no terrorists; Barack has declared it so.  As far as the sex tax goes, I think the government should control access to sex and probably require a tax to fund an oversight board to regulate it, but at this point it’s more important that we simply control access to healthcare entirely.  Regarding the confusion between a black man and white woman, this is simply an example of the progress Barack has made since being in office.  This sort of thing didn’t happen while Bush was president because he was so polarizing; he is to blame for everything wrong with America.  Thank god he’s back in Texas.”

Someone named Jean

Someone named Jean

Not everyone agrees with Maidrite-Platex.  “Just because someone declares that there is no war with terrorists doesn’t make it so; there are still plenty of Islamofascists plotting to kill Americans.  The world won’t be safer when Iran has a nuke.  And just because the U.S. put a budget guy in charge of CIA doesn’t mean the intelligence agency is better at it’s job,” said Jean Denim-Blu, a Hooters waitress who moonlights as an aluminum welder at the Metallic Owl and Strip Club.  “As far as the black guy confused with a white woman goes, it just shows you that it’s time to drop special funding for affirmative action and get on with living together.  We have a black president, the head of the Republican party is black, Oprah is the richest and most powerful woman in the world, Tiger Woods is the worlds best golfer, the best female tennis players are black, the fastest race car driver in the world is black, the NFL superbowl winning coach is black, the fastest human in the world is black.  It’s time to let this affirmative action shit go.  And sex should never be taxed.  That’s counter intuitive, it’s the best stimulus the world’s got, let it alone for crying out loud.”

Click for larger pic

Click for larger pic

The Boston Globe reported that the CIA will decommission the infamous “black sites” where terrorism suspects were interrogated with harsh techniques that included waterboarding, agency director Leon Panetta said yesterday. Panetta said in a letter to agency employees that he had informed Congress of the CIA’s detention policies following an order by President Obama in January banning harsh interrogations and ordering that the secret detention sites be closed. Panetta said that from now on the CIA would use “a dialog style of questioning”. 

Under the Bush administration three terrorists were waterboarded and officials said key information was obtained that resulted in the lives of thousands of Americans being saved from the prevention of planned terrorist attacks.

Bunny Ranch patriots against taxation

Bunny Ranch patriots against taxation

Associated Press reported that a proposal to levy a $5 tax on sex acts in Nevada has died in a state Senate committee. The 3-4 vote Thursday in the Nevada Senate Taxation Committee was one shy of the four needed to keep the proposal afloat. Committee Chairman Bob Coffin, the Las Vegas Democrat who sponsored the bill, says the state is desperate for revenue and has not collected taxes from prostitution since it was legalized in some rural counties more than 30 years ago. Sen. Mike McGinness, a Republican from Fallon who voted against the tax, says he wouldn’t support a new tax on services. Coffin has estimated the tax would’ve raised at least $2 million a year. Nevada is facing a more than $2.8 billion revenue shortfall.

White woman

White woman

The Houston Chronicle reported that seven siblings sued the funeral home that handles Harris County’s indigent burials for cremating their father’s body instead of preparing it for a funeral as they had requested. The 91-year-old black man’s body was mixed up with the body of a white woman that was supposed to be cremated, according to the lawsuit. Both bodies were being handled through the county’s indigent burial program. The lawsuit filed by Fred Woods’ children seeks $2.7 million in damages from Carnes Funeral Home and Cremate Texas, both of which are owned by funeral director Jay Carnes. It alleges the negligence of the funeral home and crematory caused a host of physical and mental problems, including post-traumatic stress disorder, anguish and humiliation.

Some people say that decommissioning “black sites”, voting down a sex tax proposed by a guy named “Coffin”, coupled with the funeral home problem with a “black man” all indicates that America continues to have serious issues with color and taxation.

Another white woman, just for further clarification.

Another white woman, just for further clarification.

“The term ‘black site’ as a place for terrorists and the black and white funeral-home problem and the Senator Coffin guy, all this is twisted shit designed by white people to put down the black man and put negative connotations on people of color everywhere,” said a passing drunk who stumbled into the Inebriated office and was instantly hired as an Op-Ed columnist.  “We’ve made progress, that’s true, because we’re damned good and have won our way up.  But bullshit prejudice still needs to be fought and affirmative action is needed to help offset the crap that still goes on.  But it doesn’t need to be funded by mandatory taxation from income.  A nationwide sex tax would easily cover the affirmative action costs, and it would be better because sex is voluntary.  People will be okay with spending a few bucks for sex when they want to have it.  Think about the benefits of that kind of program.  Each time some people have sex they’re helping strengthen society and giving some minority an education and lifting them out of poverty and giving them a chance.  Kind of makes you want to have sex for all kinds of reasons.  Makes prostitutes more like social workers than they already are.”

Hey buddy, what to share your meat? You can take that both ways.

Hey buddy, what to share your meat? You can take that both ways.

In other news, Reuters reported last Tuesday that human females may get offended at dates who expect sex after they buy them a steak dinner, but for chimpanzees, the exchange may be a fair one, German researchers reported. They found that female chimpanzees mate more frequently with males who often share meat with them. “Our results strongly suggest that wild chimpanzees exchange meat for sex, and do so on a long-term basis,” Cristina Gomes of the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, Germany said in a statement. “Males who shared meat with females doubled their mating success, whereas females, who had difficulty obtaining meat on their own, increased their caloric intake without suffering the energetic costs and potential risk of injury related to hunting.” No word on how the chimps feel about a sex tax but so far none have been confused with either black men or white women.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

CIA will decommission detention ‘black sites’
http://www.boston.com/news/nation/washington/articles/2009/04/10/cia_will_decommission_detention_black_sites/

No sex tax in Nevada
http://www.wbbm780.com/No-sex-tax-in-Nevada/4180028

Suit over father’s cremation seeks $2.7 million
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/headline/metro/6365252.html

For chimps, candy is dandy but steak is quicker
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090408/sc_nm/us_chimps_dinner_1

Comments Off on No Waterboarding, No Sex Tax, No People of Color

Filed under Humor

Comments are closed.